I think you'll agree this one has plenty in him.
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘What kind of a creep joint is this?’
We’re looking at Teenage Zombies,
‘But if I have to tell you the truth, I’m not too optimistic about it’
Another half-arsed film from the half-baked mind of Jerry Warren,
dealing with the real problems of real kids.
‘How about you and the other guys come horseback riding with me and Dot?’
'No, can’t do it. I’ve been working on my boat all week and its working real good so we’re going water skiing.’
Heart-breaking stuff.
‘All you ever do is water ski’
The kids explore a strange island,
'Hey dig that.'
but when they get back to shore...
‘The boat’s gone’
‘Good afternoon mam. We’re looking for a boat’
‘Tell me about your boat’
Scenes from Vittorio de Sica’s The Boat Thieves.
‘What are talking about?’
But there’s something strange about the woman who lives on this island,
and not just her choice of servants.
She’s a mad scientist.
It’s a good to see a woman making strides in a male-dominated profession,
wearing a lab coat over her lab cocktail dress.
She takes the kids prisoner. But it’s not all bad news.
‘We’ve taken care of your boat’
Thank God. Although I can’t imagine how the film will ever recapture those levels of suspense.
‘Yeah, I guess you’re right’
Fortunately the kids’ friends come looking for them
‘I bet you don’t get many visitors out here’
You’d be surprised.
'Very funny’
And, having thoroughly searched the path between the shore and the house and nowhere else, they leave.
‘That sounds like a good idea’
Meanwhile, the guys have picked their lock and start work on the girls’.
‘You’ll have time to open ours’
before realising the film needs to be longer than half an hour.
‘No I think we’d better wait till the last minute’
Trust me it’ll be more dramatic that way. But how can they escape the island?
'And we can’t swim’
Oh well this puts the water skiing in a whole new light.
‘We’re building a raft’
Not a bad idea, you could use driftwood, fallen branches...
That pile of raft building materials someone has left out for you.
And when morning comes they return to their cell.
You gotta love a plan that relies on a mad scientist not doing her mad science on you for about 48 hours.
'How odd.'
On the mainland, the friends contact a policeman, who for some reason works in a picture frame.
'Can I help you?'
and tells him their story.
‘Have you kids been home, there or anyplace since arriving back?’
'No, we didn’t want to waste any time looking for you’
Hang on, that was yesterday! Unless the island operates in its own timezone!
Or is that that stupid island from 'Lost'
‘About zero consistency’
Back on the island things have gone badly
‘If we’d have only gotten out of here last night’
Yeah that would’ve been smart.
Still at least we got a gripping scene of raft-building that had no relevance to the story.
‘We gotta move now before it’s too late’
Speaking of the story, shouldn’t there be some teenage zombies.
‘Yeah I guess so’
We saw some zombies briefly earlier...
‘They look doped or dead or soemthing’
Never mentioned again and not teens.
Then, 10 minutes before the end...
‘Their minds are gone. They're like the rest’
That’s no great loss.
‘I suppose you’re right’
Fortunately there is a cure,
which the boys discover over the course of the lengthy, pointless, piss-boring scene
which might as well be subtitled ‘We’ve got to get this up to 70 minutes somehow’
‘I think that’s the mixture to counteract the gas’
Then there’s only one thing left to do.
‘Let’s go water skiing’
It’s hard for me to express how much I hate these people.
‘Anybody for horseback riding?’
Freddie Jason pinhead why are there so few horror films in which the woman is the horror... Thing?
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