Welcome back to The Whirlpool, where fibs and fabrications are pulled under and drowned.
I’m Michael Whirly.
Attention faithful brethren of the One True Church!
Your church and your Archbishop and your God need your help!
This is an urgent call to action!
But I’ll get to that in a second.
First, as we all know by now, the One True Church and its leadership are being persecuted
by our corrupt, godless government over false charges of condoning and covering up years
of sexual abuse at a remote cabin retreat owned by an upstanding member of the church.
The Holiest Father, His Preeminence Angelicus II, Archbishop of Wilkes-Barre, is being sued
by one of these so-called victims and is under federal investigation, and church assets have
been frozen!
How is that fair?
They’re investigating people before they even know if they’re guilty!
What ever happened to due process?
If you needed any more proof that this lawsuit and investigation are all about harassing
the church, think about this: the investigation is still ongoing even though there is now
literally nothing to investigate!
The cabin retreat where all these heinous crimes supposedly took place burned down several
days ago.
Law enforcement is all over local media trying to poison the well, telling everyone with
a microphone that the fire occurred under “suspicious circumstances,” whatever that
means.
Personally, I think the fire was set by God himself — not to erase anyone’s guilt
— but to thwart this corrupt attempt to persecute the servants of God and harm their
holy work.
But no matter what the cause of the fire was, the fact remains the fire happened and the
cabin, with all its quote-unquote “evidence,” has been utterly destroyed.
So what are these investigators doing still sniffing around?
Return to the pit, agents of Hell!
Do you have a question about a matter of scripture or church teaching?
Call us for the answer.
We’re the Canonicity Hotline.
We’ll help you read the Bible the right way so you can live your best life.
And that’s not all: we are here to resolve any disputes over any matter of canon, inside
or outside of the faith.
Did Greedo shoot first?
Which Spock is the real one?
Settle disputes or win bets with your friends (I was just being facetious; we do not condone
gambling).
Only $3.99 for the first minute, and $11.99 for each additional minute.
Call us now.
We’re the Canonicity Hotline.
But of course they will do no such thing, because this isn’t about an investigation.
It’s about attacking Our Heavenly Father’s One True Church.
And with its assets still frozen, the One True Church needs you.
In addition to everyday operating expenses, the One True Church would like to do the Christian
thing and pay for the rebuilding of our member’s burned-down cabin.
But it can’t.
That’s where we come in.
The time has come for us, the people of God, to join together and restore that which has
been wrongfully destroyed by the machinations of our worldly enemies, and to do it in Our
Lord’s holy name.
Accordingly, I have established a fund to pay for construction materials necessary to
rebuild the cabin retreat, primarily lumber.
I invite you all to join me in this effort and Get Wood For Christ.
To Get Wood For Christ should be the heart’s desire of everyone who truly loves Our Lord.
I think it gives him real pleasure to see us reaching out our hands to each other when
things get hard.
So let’s do it.
Let’s all come together and do it.
It will make you feel good, it will make me feel good, and it will make Our Heavenly Father
feel good.
Cash donations can be sent to the Get Wood For Christ fund via my virtual collection
plate on Petereon, the crowdfunding site by and for Traditionalist Catholics.
If you’d prefer to send a check, you can mail it to the usual address.
And if you’d rather forego a monetary donation altogether and simply donate the building
materials themselves, that’s fine, too.
St. Veritas Church has graciously agreed to hold any donations until I can pick them up.
Just be sure to make it clear that you’re making a donation to me, not to the church,
so that those pistol-packing accountants at the FBI will know to keep their sulphur-stained
fingers off of it!
I’ll be collecting those donations following morning mass this Sunday, and keeping them
in the storage shed behind my house for the time being.
I’ve got plenty of room back there, so don’t be shy.
Give me every inch of wood you’ve got.
I can take it.
For The Whirlpool, I’m Michael Whirly.