(00:00): Hey there it's clay with modern love.life. And in
this video, we are going to be talking about why the no contact rule is becoming less effective as
time goes on. I know you guys are watching other people online, listening to other people online,
and you've probably are turning or hearing about the no contact rule. You're probably hearing
people say, you got to do it a hundred percent. Just follow it. Don't think about it, just do it,
all that stuff. However, I do want to let you know that the no contact rule is becoming less
and less effective as time goes on. Now, why is this? Why is it becoming less and less effective?
Simply put it's because the no contact rule is becoming more widely known to people out there.
Uh, now obviously there's people that want to use the no contact rule to get back together with
their ex you know, they heard someone somewhere on the internet for some reason that still defies
my understanding, um, that they need to do the no contact rule to force their ex, to miss them
to the point where they crack under the pressure and crawl back to you over broken
shards of glass and can infest that they love you and can't live without you.
(01:10): And that the two of you should get back together
and have a million babies right now, maybe that works. I don't know, but I have noticed over the,
you know, whatever 11 years or something that I've been doing this that, um,
it's becoming less and less effective. Dave, why is this? People are becoming more and more aware
that exists. There's also the other no contact rule. Of course, people who use the no contact
rule for the purpose of just simply trying to get over to their ex. So, you know, if you're going
through a breakup and you're, you know, whether you want to get back together or when you, whether
you want to move on, if you're going through a breakup and you're looking for
some sort of help somewhere on the internet, you're probably hearing about the no contact rule.
And so your ex probably knows about it. (01:56):
Your ex probably picked up on this somewhere, whether it's on some website or some video or some
podcast or some book or something, they probably heard about it. And simply put people understand
what it means when you're just falling off the face of the earth and not talking to them for
a month or whatever. And so they record humanize. This is probably something that you're doing.
Am I doing something that they're doing too? And if there's two people doing the no contact rule,
basically you're both hiding behind a wall, kind of peeking out at one another waiting for one of
you to kind of wave the white flag of surrender first, you know, granted, it was a lot different,
you know, 15, 20 years ago. The, the very first time I went through a big breakup with,
with my big ex was in 2003. Um, back then people were still talking about the no contact rule.
(02:54): They were talking about it on a forum that I
used to go to. Cause that was the only place could actually go back then to,
um, get relationship advice was a forum on the internet. I mean, you know,
sure there were women's magazines and everything, but I'm not going to read a woman's magazine,
but, uh, there was a, there was a forum back then called E not alone. It's still there.
And, uh, that's where I heard about the no contact rule for the first time. Um, I did it,
it worked, you know, it got my ex to crack under the pressure and confess that she missed me.
Um, but would it still work today? I think it'd probably would be less effective today
because again, more people these days know what no contact is. They've heard about it
in some capacity. They've had it suggested to them, they've come across it on YouTube.
(03:37): They've come across
it on the internet. They've come across it in a book, they've come across it somewhere else.
And they know what no contact is. And so when you're just falling out of contact with them for,
you know, weeks or months or something, they know what you're doing. And many times, because
oftentimes after a breakup, people have this sort of competitive nature with their ex what's like,
Oh, which one of us is going to get into a relationship first? Which one of us is going
to seem like we're better off first, which one of us is going to, you know, confess that we miss
the other one first, they can kind of get into this competitive thing with you. And they think,
Oh, you're doing no contact. I should do no contact to let's see which one of us breaks first.
Let's see which one of us does whatever first. (04:17):
And so, although no contact can be effective, you know, the way that other people talk about it,
you know, they just do no contact, wait for your ex to crack under the pressure, to crawl
over the broken shards of glass and all that. Even though that can be effective,
um, it's becoming less and less effective. That is to say, it's no longer a surprise.
It's no longer coming out of nowhere. It's no longer a shock to the system.
It's no longer instilling that same degree of doubt or worry or concern that you're
not contacting them anymore than maybe it used to when people are less aware of it.
And so this brings up an important point, which is something that I've been advocating for a
while now, which is that no contact should not be your one and only strategy, especially not
in the way that you're hearing about it from other people you want to use no contact.
(05:04): If, and only if you and your ex
being in contact with one another is doing more harm than good to your connection.
If you and your ex being in contact with one another is bringing the two of you
closer together, Hey, something's working. Let's not mess with what's working, right.
You know, as they say, don't fix what ain't broken. However, if you are in contact with
them and it's damaging the emotional connection between the two of you, it makes sense to stop
doing that. It makes sense to stop doing whatever you're doing. Take a step back,
reevaluate what you're doing and say, okay, what's not working here. Can I bring myself up to speed?
What can I be focusing on? Instead, that's going to maximize things moving forward. Do I need to
get out of damage control mode? Do I need to work on things like advanced relational skills?
(05:46): Do we need to work on communication? Do we
need to work on all these other things before we get back into contact and I should not be getting
back in contact until I legitimately believe that something is going to be fundamentally different?
That's that's what active no-contact is. That's what we talk about. Uh, you know, we do have
our whole playlist on active, no contact right up there, check it out. If you're new to all of this,
if you've somehow, um, you know, just recently found me or something, uh, go ahead and do that.
Also while you're there hit that thumbs up button. If you like this video, it helps us with the
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(06:22): Don't just rely
on this increasingly ineffective strategy. It should not be your one and only tool. There are
other tools that you can use many, many other tools that you can use besides just no contact.
You're going to have a really hard time if you're just using one tool.
Oftentimes when I work with people, communication is a big thing. It's a very big issue that they
need to work through. We've been helping people with communication a lot, you know, in terms of
how to communicate clearly effectively, how to handle less than receptive partners and all of
that. Again, if you want to check that out, we have our communication course, it's called
effortless connection. You can find that over@modernlove.life slash E as in effortless,
C as in connection, modern love.life/e C. Um, but, uh, uh, you know, yeah, you should have a, a wide
arsenal of tools at your disposal because, you know, as they say, if the only tool you have is a
hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. (07:18):
And if the only tool that you have is no contact, it starts to seem like that's
what you should do in every situation. You know, that's why I hear from a lot of people that have,
you know, maybe you're just recently found me or tried some other strategy or something before,
um, where it's like, yeah, we did no contact. And then, uh, I found out that that, that they are
in a rebound relationship. So I did no contact again. And then, then we had an argument. So he
didn't no contact again. And then, uh, they said that they're confused. So I did no contact again.
And it's like, why are you just always doing no contact, no matter what they do. That's, that's
not helpful many times. It's not helpful because many times, if you were honest with yourself and
you look back at your relationship, you can say, okay, maybe it didn't work because I wasn't paying
attention to them. (08:02):
I wasn't, I was neglecting them in some way. And in a certain capacity is no contact any
different than not paying attention to them and neglecting them. And in which case you want to
be real with yourself and say, okay, if this strategy got me into trouble in the first place,
is it going to get me out of trouble now that I'm in trouble, some famous person that said
you can't solve a problem with the same level of thinking that got you in there in the first place,
something like that, or, or, or doing the same thing over and over again, um, and expecting
a different result is madness or the definition of insanity. I think Einstein said both of those
things it's attributed to him. I know that there's many quotes that, that are falsely attributed to
him. So I don't know, but anyway, we want to be careful with no contact to make sure that it's not
just the one thing that you're doing, make sure that, you know, when to use it when not to use it,
uh, when is the right time for using it, when is the wrong time for using it and make sure that
you're, you know, when it makes sense using it, if you need to and using other things,
if that makes more sense as well, too. (08:59):
But anyway, thanks so much for watching this video, this content, this audio,
whatever, uh, hit the thumbs up and be sure to subscribe, talk to you next time.