>> Stephen: GIEF IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW
BAND, EVERYBODY!
>> Stephen: QUICK REMINDER, EVERYBODY, QUICK REMINDER FOR
THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MAY NOT-- MAY NOT REALIZE THAT I AM
NOT THE MOST TALENTED PERSON ON THE SHOW.
THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE ARE THE MOST TALENTED PEOPLE ON THE
SHOW. >> Louis: I BEG TO DIFFER.
>> Stephen: CO COMING UP THIS WEEKEND, IS IT WINTER JAZZED
FEST? WHO ALL IS PERFORMING AT WINTER
JAZZFEST? >> MYSELF, LOUIS BOUCHER.
>> Stephen: WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO BE, LOUIS.
>> Louis: I'LL BE AT THE BROOKLYN BOWL.
>> AND I'LL BE AT THE ZINC BAR. >> Stephen: AND YOU WILL BE
PLAYING WITH HER? THAT'S FANTASTIC.
TONIGHT, SO MUCH SHOW, WE HAVE DANIA GURIRA TONIGHT FROM
"WAKANDA FOREVER." AND FROM THE NEW MOVIE "THE
INSPECTION" JEREMY POPE IS GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
FIRST, MY FRIENDS,s YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW
I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY SELECTING
THE DAY'S FINEST NEWS BLOODLINES, LOOKING FOR A FLAT
CROUP, HIGH WITHERS, AND METALLIC SHEEN TO THE COAT,
THEN PAIRING THEM TO PRODUCE THE GOLDEN AKHALTEKE PUREBRED
STALLION THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,
FOLKS, I BREAK INTO AN ANIMAL RESEARCH FACILITY, SHAKE UP
EVERY D.N.A. SAMPLE I CAN FIND IN A DISCARDED SOULCYCLE BLENDER
BOTTLE, THEN INCUBATE THE RESULTS BEHIND AN OLD RADIATOR
TO BIRTH THE WHEEZING CAT-FACED GIRAFF-IGATOR OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A SHOT GLASS, MY FRIEND. MEANWHILE, NEW YORK CITY'S "NO
PANTS SUBWAY RIDE" HAS BEEN CANCELED FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE
YEAR. ( BOOING ).
>> Stephen: I KNOW. ALTHOUGH, EVIDENTLY, NOBODY TOLD
THE DUDE SCREAMING QUOTES FROM "JUMANJI" ON THE E-TRAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
THE DRAIN. OF COURSE NOT.
THE ONLY APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR BAILEYS IS INTO DADDY'S
COFFEE, RIGHT THERE. MMMM.
MMMM. MMMM.
OOOH! THICK ALCOHOL.
THESE CREME-ALARMISTS SAY THAT DUE TO ITS THICK CONSISTENCY,
BAILEYS WILL COLLATE IN THE "U" BEND UNDER THE SINK AND PREVENT
LIQUID FROM PASSING THROUGH TO THE EXTERNAL DRAINAGE.
NOT THE MOST RINGING ENDORSEMENT FOR SOMETHING YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
DRINK. "WAITER, I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF
YOUR FINEST WHATEVER WILL COLLATE IN A U-BEND AND PREVENT
LIQUID FROM PASSING THROUGH TO MY EXTERNAL DRAIN ANNUAL, IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN." TO BE SAFE, THEY'RE RECOMMENDING
PEOPLE POUR THEIR BAILEYS INTO A SEALABLE CONTAINER AND DISPOSE
OF IT IN THEIR GENERAL WASTE BIN.
EXPLAINS THEIR NEW SLOGAN: "BAILEYS: JUST TREAT US LIKE
CREAMY BATTERIES." CAN
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
EVOLVED AWAY FROM IT, "HUMANS STILL HAVE GENES FOR A FULL COAT
OF FUR." RESEARCHERS MADE THE DISCOVERY
BY STUDYING THIS PHOTO OF EMMANUEL MACRON.
( LAUGHTER )
REACHED FOR COMMENT, THE IRISH WERE INCOMPREHENSIBLE.
( LAUGHTER )
GO UP? ACCORDING TO THE BREWER, 12 EURO
CENTS PER PINT. AND THE VINTNERS FEDERATION OF
IRELAND CALLED THE MOVE "UNPRECEDENTEND."
WOW. AN UNPRECEDENTED PRICE HIKE ON
GUINNESS OUGHT TO BE WRITTEN DOWN IN SOME KIND OF ANNUAL
"BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS."
>> Louis: SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M NOT GOING TO DRINK ANYMORE. MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY HAS SHOWN
THAT WOMEN SCORE HIGHER FOR EMPATHY THAN MEN IN MOST
COUNTRIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA
FOREVER," DANAI GURIRA.