I ACTUALLY FLEW IN AND OUT OF
RONNIE REAGAN AIRPORT THIS YEAR
ON A PROPELLER PLANE.
IT WAS LIKE A BOEING 7.
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S A REAL TRICK FOR ME TO GET
ON A TINY PLANE LIKE THAT.
I HAVE A HORRIBLE FEAR OF
FLYING.
I GET ON THE PLANE.
I FASTEN MY SEAT BELT AND I DO
NOT UNBUCKLE IT FOR THE DURATION
OF THE FLIGHT, BECAUSE IF THE
PLANE IS GONNA PLUMMET
6 AND A HALF MILES OUT OF THE
SKY, THAT LITTLE STRIP OF NYLON
MIGHT SAVE MY SORRY ASS.
(LAUGHTER)
I REFUSE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
ON AN AIRPLANE, BECAUSE IF
I'M GONNA DIE IN A CARTWHEELING
BALL OF FLAMES, IT IS NOT GONNA
BE IN A FLYING OUTHOUSE WITH MY
PANTS AROUND MY ANKLES.
(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)
I SIT IN MY SEAT AND READ
THE EMERGENCY INFORMATION CARD
OVER AND OVER.
THEY CAN GET RID OF PAGE 3.
THAT'S THE "WATER LANDING"
SECTION.
THERE IS NO USEFUL INFORMATION
THERE.
AT THE TOP THEY SHOW YOU HOW
TO USE YOUR SEAT BOTTOM CUSHION
AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.
I DON'T WANT TO PRESENT MYSELF
AS A GENIUS, BUT IF I AM
DROWNING AND SOMETHING IS
FLOATING, I WILL FIGURE OUT HOW
TO OPERATE IT.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SEAT BOTTOM CUSHION, SUITCASE,
DEAD PILOT...
I WILL SAVE MYSELF.
(LAUGHTER)
I WILL NOT NEED
LEONARDO DICAPRIO TO HELP ME.
(LAUGHTER)
THEN THEY SHOW YOU HOW TO EXIT
IN THE EVENT OF A WATER LANDING.
I THINK WE'VE SEEN EXACTLY HOW
LIKELY THEY ARE TO BE ABLE TO
LAND ONE OF THESE PUPPIES IN THE
WATER.
I'M PRETTY SURE I'LL BE
"EXITING" AS I "LAND."
(LAUGHTER)
BUT THEY GOT THE PICTURE.
THEY GOT THE MAN...
(LAUGHTER)
JUMPING CALMLY OUT ONTO THE
ESCAPE SLIDE.
ALWAYS A MAN.
THERE'S A WOMAN WAITING
PATIENTLY TO GO NEXT.
ALWAYS A WOMAN.
BECAUSE IT'S "LADIES FIRST"
UNTIL THE PLANE FALLS OUT OF
THE SKY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I USED TO BE SO SCARED TO FLY
THAT MY FRIENDS WOULD HAVE TO
TAKE ME TO THE AIRPORT AND
CONVINCE ME TO GET ON THE PLANE.
MY FRIENDS CAN TALK ME INTO
ANYTHING.
FRIENDS ARE WEIRD, HUH?
"A FRIEND IS A PRESENT YOU GIVE
YOURSELF."
(LAUGHTER)
MY FRIENDS TALKED ME INTO
WEARING A SKIRT ON A JOB
INTERVIEW.
GO AHEAD AND PICTURE THAT FOR
YOURSELVES.
(LAUGHTER)
THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS OUT ON
ANYTHING.
I PUT ON A SKIRT.
I LOOKED LIKE AN OLD GUY
WANDERING AROUND A STEAM ROOM.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
THAT'S IF I PUT THE THING ON
RIGHT.
OKAY.
WHAT THE WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE
ARE GONNA KNOW ABOUT SKIRTS--
AND STATISTICALLY SEVERAL OF
THE MEN-- IS THAT INSIDE OF
THE WAISTBAND OF THE SKIRT ARE
THESE TWO LOOPS OF FABRIC THAT
YOU USE TO HANG THE SKIRT UP SO
THAT WHEN YOU WEAR IT, IT HANGS
NEATLY; RIGHT?
WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS
INFORMATION WAS BEING HANDED
OUT?
(LAUGHTER)
THE DAY FOR THE JOB INTERVIEW
ROLLS AROUND.
I PULL MY SKIRT DOWN OFF
THE SHELF, UNFURL IT, PUT IT ON.
AND NOW I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT ROLE IN MY ENSEMBLE THESE
TWO RIBBONS OF FABRIC PLAY.
(LAUGHTER)
"IS IT A BELT?
THERE'S NO CLASP.
IT MUST BE A BOW.
I'LL JUST TIE IT--
IT'S NOT LONG ENOUGH.
WHO IN THE HELL WOULD SELL ME
A SKIRT WITH A BOW THAT'S NOT
(BLEEP) LONG?"
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
NOW I'VE GOT THE SKIRT UP HERE.
I'VE GOT THESE THINGS OVER MY
SHOULDERS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
GETTING READY TO GO TO A
JOB INTERVIEW WEARING
SKIRT-IN-HOSEN.
(LAUGHTER)
LIKE THE VON TRAPP FAMILY JOB
APPLICANT.
"I MADE IT FROM CURTAINS.
DO I GET THE POSITION?"
(LAUGHTER)
I DIDN'T WEAR THE PANTYHOSE.
I MEAN, I MADE A CERTAIN
SACRIFICE.
I BOUGHT FOUNDATION AND USED IT
TO COVER UP MY TATTOO.
BUT THE PANTY HOSE JUST MAKES
MY LEG HAIR LOOK REAL FUNNY.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
OKAY.
I THINK I'VE PROBABLY PRETTY
MUCH ANSWERED EVERYONE'S
QUESTIONS AT THIS POINT.
(LAUGHTER)
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
WHAT WAS I GONNA TELL YOU GUYS?
I'VE BEEN SO SPACY TODAY.
I WAS TALKING TO THIS FRIEND
OF MINE ON THE PHONE, AND I
SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
FEELING REALLY SPACED OUT."
AND SHE SAID ,"WELL, MERCURY IS
IN RETROGRADE."
"OH, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
IT COULDN'T BE ALL THAT POT
I SMOKED."
YES, THE THINGS YOU DO IN
HIGH SCHOOL WILL AFFECT YOU
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I HAD FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL
THAT USED TO DO SPEED.
ACTUALLY, THEY USED TO TAKE DIET
PILLS--
CHEAP SPEED.
AND THEY TALKED ME INTO TRYING
IT ONE TIME.
THEY'RE LIKE "YOU WON'T WANT TO
EAT ANYTHING."
IT DIDN'T HAVE THAT EFFECT ON ME
AT ALL.
I JUST ATE REALLY FAST.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I SAW THIS GUY ON A
HARLEY DAVIDSON TODAY.
I WAS SITTING BEHIND HIM AT A
STOPLIGHT.
AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE HARLEYS
WHERE THE DRIVER'S SEAT AND
THE PASSENGER'S SEAT ARE
SEPARATE.
I COULD TELL YOU THE NAME OF THE
MODEL IF I WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT
BUTCHER.
(LAUGHTER)
HERE WE HAVE A GROUP OF PEOPLE
WHO CAN RECOGNIZE THE WORD
"BUTCHER" AS AN ADJECTIVE.
(LAUGHTER)
"SHE CUTS HER MEAT WITH A
MOTORCYCLE?"
LET'S MOVE ON.
SO THERE'S THE DRIVER'S SEAT,
AND THEN THE PASSENGER'S SEAT
IS THIS SMALL RECTANGULAR PAD
AFFIXED TO THE REAR FENDER OF
THE MOTORCYCLE AND POPULARLY
REFEREED TO AS A "BITCH" SEAT.
LOVELY.
AND THIS MOTORCYCLE DIDN'T HAVE
A PASSENGER SEAT.
AND THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT
WAS, "WOW.
THAT BIKE DOESN'T HAVE A
BITCH SEAT."
AND THEN I WAS LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, SABRINA?
DON'T EVEN THINK THAT,
BECAUSE IT IS SO MISOGYNOUS.
AND IF YOU THINK IT,
YOU WILL SAY IT.
AND WHEN YOU SAY IT, YOU'LL BE
SORRY YOU EVER THOUGHT IT."
AND THEN I LOOKED.
THE GUY'S GOT A STICKER ON THE
BACK OF HIS HELMET AND IT SAYS,
"IF YOU CAN READ THIS,
THE BITCH FELL OFF."
(GROANS AND APPLAUSE)