Regrets could be your worst enemy or your best friend. Regrets are like a hammer. They
can hurt you, or you can use them to build the life that you want. In this video you're going
to learn how to channel the emotional energy of regrets into building something you really care about.
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Now, I get asked all the time how to deal with regrets. A lot of people, as they start to
make progress on their anxiety or their depression, they start to feel intense regret about the things
they missed out on in the past. Or when people start to improve their relationship skills, they
regret past mistakes or missed opportunities, lost connections or late starts. And regret can really
hurt. It's a painful emotion. But here's what's important: you can learn how to transform regret
into energy. So let's walk through how. Okay. First, people get really held up on regret because they
think that regret is in the past and they can't go back and ask the girl out or get the degree
or fix the relationship. So they feel really helpless to do anything about how they feel
because we can't change the past. But here's the thing: those feelings aren't in the past. Those
feelings are in the here and now. That feeling of regret is like a hammer. So when you point
it inward, it really hurts. When you ruminate on your mistakes over and over, you can really
hurt yourself, and then feel depressed or hopeless or like, why bother? Why try? But the truth is that,
just like a hammer, those feelings aren't bad. So emotions serve a function. So like thirst. Thirst
reminds us to drink here and now. Regrets are normal, and they mean that you care about living
a good life. So that painful feeling is like the rumble strip on the side of of the road, and that
buzzes when you're drifting. The feeling of regret is a warning to straighten out your course. Regret
is right here in the present moment. That feeling, that activation is right here, right now. So we're
going to channel all that energy, that emotion into taking action. Now, one of my favorite sayings is,
"The best time to plant a tree was 40 years ago. The next best time is now." So one of the biggest
mistakes that I see people make in therapy and and in life is that their goal is to make their
feelings go away instead of learning how to use them. So it's like saying like, "Dang, I hit my hand
with this hammer. I'm going to throw this hammer away instead of learning how to hammer correctly."
So it's not the hammer's fault. There's nothing wrong with the hammer. If you smash your thumb
it's like, "Oh, I just need to learn how to hammer differently." So we take that feeling of regret, we
take all that activated energy, we point it outward, and we build something we really care about. Now, in
this case I'm building a crappy shelter for my chickens. But in your case you're going to build
the life that you really want to have. So how do we do it? Number one, get super clear about what
regret is. Now, usually we need a piece of paper to do this, right? You need to write about it. So
let's say you regret not asking that girl out. You regret not going on the trip. You regret staying
in an abusive relationship too long. You regret all the things you avoided because of anxiety or
depression. Or you regret not going to the funeral or being there at the deathbed. Or you regret all
the mistakes that you made in a relationship that you care about. Okay. So we're going to
write this down. Okay. Step two: you're going to get super clear about what the value is. And to
do this, again, you've got to write it down. Uh so I value living, taking risks, doing the uncomfortable
thing instead of avoiding discomfort. I value adventure, connection, courage. I value
setting boundaries, creating healthy relationships speaking up, knowing my own worth. I value taking
care of my health, pushing myself to face my fears, taking action to get motivated, reaching out for
support and education and treatment. I value being present in relationships, even when emotions seem
overwhelming. I value putting love higher than emotional comfort. Now, this last one requires
you to get more specific. Did you yell a lot? Then you value emotional regulation, communication, and
healthy problem-solving skills. Did you just beat yourself up a lot? Were you too hard on
yourself? Then you value making repairs, letting go of perfectionism. Um you value acceptance
and compassion and striving to be vulnerable and improve a little bit each day with gentleness. So
so one of the tricky things is these problems that we regret, they're often complex, and when they live
in our head they stay cloudy and we don't know what to do with them. So step two is about getting
clarity. And it's important to set a positive goal, not a negative goal. So instead of saying,
"Oh, I regret being so lazy," you say, "I value um doing hard things." And instead of saying, "Oh, I regret, you
know, yelling. I'm just not going to yell. That's my value, is not yelling." No no no no. You have to say
what are you going to do instead? You're going to take breaks, you're going to practice talking about
problems and having crucial conversations. So make sure as you work on writing out your values that
you set positive goals. I've got videos on that. I will link them in the description. Okay. Step three:
we heal the rift, not in the past, but right here in the present moment. Um values aren't outcomes.
They're not a goal that you achieve. They are our present-moment direction. We can always choose
if we are lining up with our values right here in the present moment, because our values are a
direction, not a destination. So for example, do you regret not having kids in your youth? That's a goal,
that's a destination. But what do you value if you regret not having kids? What you value is building
a family, taking care of others, sacrificing your needs for others, building a community, showing
love. There are literally hundreds of ways that you can act on that value right here in the present
moment. There's adopt-a-grandparent program. You can connect with family members. You can volunteer to
hold babies at the local hospital. You can connect with a neighbor who has small children and ask
them how you can support them. And in many ways we can build up a family, because a family isn't just
a thing; it's also a direction. It's something we act on day to day. Okay. We have to let go of magical
thinking that says, "Ah, but I had to get married to do that." I mean, again, that's a goal or that's
outcome driven, and instead we want to embody the pathway, the direction instead. So I wanted to get
married. What would that look like in the present moment? That would look like putting yourself out
there, meeting people, building the skills to have healthy relationships, uh building communication
skills. We we've got to shift our focus from outcome, which is like getting married, to a
direction, like building healthy relationships, building connection. I think we ruminate, we
dwell on our regrets because dreaming of changing things in the past is always easier than actually
changing things in the present. So here's a great example from my life. Once when I was in grad
school I'd been on a handful of dates with this guy, um let's call him Alexander. But the thing - it
didn't go anywhere. And after that, you know, we parted ways. About 6 months later I'm visiting
my parents on Christmas Day, and guess who knocks on the door? Alex. Now, I had no idea he was coming,
and my parents were like, huh, I wonder if there's something going on there that they didn't know
about. So like it was kind of awkward, but we found a quiet place to catch up, and we talked about life
and, you know, chatted for a little while. And then he said, "Oh, I really wish we had tried to see if
the this relationship would work. I really regret that we didn't keep dating." Now, just to clarify,
I didn't break up with him or anything. Like we just were never exclusive. So I basically replied,
like, "There's no reason we can't try dating again. Like we're both single. I'm willing. Let's give it
a shot." And then he got super awkward, and he said something about needing to fix something on his
car, and then basically that was the end of that. For all I know, he had a dozen reasons why he didn't
want to date me. Which is cool. Like, whatever. But if we take it a face value, what
he said is the essence of unhelpful rumination. It's this whole idea of thinking a lot about your
regrets and then never doing anything about them when you do have the chance in the present moment.
Right? I don't blame him. He was probably still like gaining those relationship skills, like we all have
to do in our lives. But but this concept of, I'm going to think about and talk about all the things
that I regret but not do anything about them, that idea prevented him from being able to connect on a
deeper level or for more meaningful relationships. And it's it's that type of thinking about regrets
that's disordered. So we take the hammer, we take that emotional energy, and you use that energy to
do the thing, to ask someone out, to take the trip, to fix a relationship, whatever it is. Identify how
you can get out of your comfort zone and live the life you value right here in the present
moment. If I like someone, I'm going to tell them. If I feel to do something nice for someone, I'll
do it without second guessing. If I feel the need to speak up but I might get shut down, I'll speak
up anyway. I'm going to plan a trip, whether it's taking the subway for the first time in years or
flying to Siberia. I'm going to stretch my comfort zone. I'm going to initiate a trip with my friends
and follow through. Or next time I see someone getting bullied at work, I'm going to say something.
Next time someone mistreats me, I'm walking away, I'm standing up for myself, or I'm communicating
assertively. It's just about practice, practice, practice. It's about shifting your life to be
moving in that direction of your values. I'm going to do one thing every day that scares me. I'm going
to do one thing every day that's hard. I'm going to take cold showers or make that phone call or
go somewhere that's uncomfortable for me. When I know someone is sick or depressed or dying,
I'm leaning in instead of leaning out. When a coworker seems off or sad or down, I'm going
to ask them to tell me more. I'm going to embrace that discomfort. If my dog needs to be put down, I'm
going to stay in the room with him. I'm going to prioritize my relationship. When I make a mistake,
I'm going to apologize and seek to make repairs. Today, tomorrow, each day. If you think you're too
old for something, let's say like a college degree for an example, if you're 40 and you don't have a
degree, in 4 years you are going to be 44. You can either be 44 with a degree or without. Okay. So
what direction do you want to be moving? Those are the three steps to turning regrets into your best
friend. Regrets can be a rumble strip guiding you back on the pathway you really want to be
on. Now, I do think there are four real obstacles to doing this. There's rumination, lack of skills,
shame, and self-loathing. So rumination is where we get stuck in this mental habit of thinking
about our regrets over and over again. If you find yourself just getting stuck in rumination,
check out my video on scheduled worry. You can do the same thing with rumination. You schedule a
time each day to intentionally regret stuff, and then you set a time with like Lotus Bud or some
other app to prompt you to check in with yourself throughout the day, and if you're ruminating not
during your rumination time, just practice mindfulness. Catch those thoughts and say, "Oh, I'm
going to ruminate on those regrets at 6 p.m." And then you just redirect your attention back to what
you really care about. Okay. For self-loathing, we can only fight hate with compassion. It's the best
source of long-term motivation. So if you're having a hard time developing compassion towards yourself,
you could try writing a short letter to yourself forgiving yourself for the past and committing
to the future. Um if you're drowning in shame for something you did, the the most important thing is
to incorporate support, to let go of the shame. Uh so tell God, tell a friend, uh use the experience
to share with others or to teach, right? You channel all of that activated shame energy into movement,
not stagnation. So shame dies in the sunlight. We need to put it out there in order to heal. And
we can never truly connect with others if we're hiding parts of ourselves that we're ashamed of.
And then I would say seek closure. So whenever possible or helpful, make amends, um apologize
for past mistakes, or find ways to rectify certain situations. Or, you know, you can use your experience
to teach others. Lastly, skills. Um regret is an emotion that accompanies learning. So every
experience you've had, you can learn something from it. Uh what skills do you need to develop to change
things in in your present moment? So for example, I regret not having very many friends in high school,
but I simply lacked like basic social skills, like introducing myself to new people and asking them
about themselves. And when I learned these skills in college, I made a bunch of friends. So you
could always convert mistakes and regrets about the past into experience and learning by asking
like, "Oh, what can I learn from this?" Okay. Lastly, it helps to clarify your locus of control. So if you
have a regret, write it down on a piece of paper. Divide the paper in half. These are the things I
can change. These are the things I can't change. And just focus on finding solutions or closure
for the things that you can change and accepting the things you can. So this this is how you make
regret your best friend. Number one: you get super clear about what you regret. Number two: you get
super clear about what the value is around that regret. And then number three: you take action right
here in the present moment to line your life up with the thing you value. Regret is right here in
the present moment, so use that energy to live the life you care about. Henry David Thoreau said, "Make the
most of your regrets. Never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have
a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh." Okay. Also, if you'd like to learn
more skills to work through tricky emotions like regret, disappointment, sadness, anxiety, check out
my How to Process Your Emotions course. I've got 30 videos and a really fat workbook that'll walk
you through the little processes you can do to make clarity around those complex and cloudy
emotions and learn to get better at feeling. Okay. Thank you so much for watching, and take care.
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