WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN MAKING HER SECOND
APPEARANCE ON THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER STAGE.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK EMMA WILLMANN!
( APPLAUSE ).
>> THANK YOU, GUYS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU!
THANKS.
I APPRECIATE THAT.
AWESOME.
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
RIGHT BACK AT YOU.
THIS IS GREAT.
I-- I'M FROM MAINE, AND I JUST WENT BACK TO MY HOME TOWN TO
VISIT MY DAD.
EVER SINCE I'VE TOLD HIM I'M GAY HE'S OBSESSED WITH ASKING ME
WHO'S THE MAN?
HE'S OBSESSED WITH IT.
"WHO'S THE MAN?
WHO'S THE AND IT'S IGNORANT AND OFFENSIVE,
YOU KNOW.
OBVIOUSLY I'M THE MAN.
WHO DOES HE THINK I'M DATING?
WHENEVER I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP I ALWAYS LET THEM KNOW.
"I'M THE MAN ONE.
I'M THE MAN ONE, ME, I'M THE MAN ONE."
AND EVERY TIME THE WOMAN WON SAYS, "OH, MY GOD.
YOU SOUND LIKE OBNOXIOUS AND IGNORANT.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."
I'M LIKE, "YEAH, SEE?
I'M THE MAN!
THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
I'M THE MAN!" THE OTHER DAY-- THIS IS REALLY
EMBARRASSING-- THE OTHER DAY SOMEONE TRIED TO SET ME UP WITH
ANOTHER MAN ONE.
( LAUGHTER )
WAS HOMOPHOBIC.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT I WAS HOMOPHOBIC, JUST FOR THAT MINUTE.
I WAS JUST LIKE, "WHAT!
TWO MAN ONES TOGETHER!
IN A RELATIONSHIP?
YOU THINK I'D BE INTO THAT KIND OF THING!"
I TURNED INTO A CONSERVATIVE SENATOR.
I WAS LIKE, "YOU CANNOT HAVE TWO MAN ONES.
NO.
THAT'S-- THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE TWO MAN ONES.
IT HAS TO BE ONE MAN ONE WITH ONE WOMAN ONE, LIKE IN THE
BIBLE!"
THANK YOU.
THE OTHER DAY, MY MAN ONE FRIEND INTRODUCED ME TO HER GIRLFRIEND,
AND HER GIRLFRIEND WAS A MAN ONE.
AND IT'S INTERESTING, WHENEVER YOU MEET A SPECIFIC PERSON FROM
THE GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU'RE PREJUDICED AGAINST-- WE WENT OUT
TO DINNER, AND THEY WERE SO LOVELY, YOU KNOW.
IT'S LIKE TWO CONSENTING ADULTS.
THEY CLEARLY CARE FOR EACH OTHER.
LIKE, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
SO I LEFT THAT DINNER BEING LIKE, "LOVE IS LOVE.
I GET IT.
I REALLY GET IT.
I GET IT.
I AM FOR GAY MARRIAGE.
THIS IS GREAT.
I REALLY-- THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
LET THEM WADDLE AROUND."
( LAUGHTER )
MY YOUNGER SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED, WHICH HAS JUST GOT ME
THINKING A LOT ABOUT LIFE AND LOVE AND WHAT I WANT.
WHICH IS TO GET MARRIED BY THE TIME I'M 30.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
MARRIAGE AT 30.
IT'S JUST GOING TO BE TOUGH BECAUSE I'M 32.
SO...
( LAUGHTER )
I NEED TO GET A DATE FOR HER WEDDING.
THAT'S MY FOCUS RIGHT NOW.
I GOTTA GET A DATE.
AND I WAS ON A DATE THE OTHER NIGHT, AND TO SOUND MORE HEROIC,
I LIED AND SAID FOR FUN I GO WHITEWATER RAFTING-- WHATEVER.
( LAUGHTER )
WRENCH IN IT.
BECAUSE SHE GOES, "OH, I LOVE RAFTING.
WE SHOULD DO THAT TOGETHER SOME TIME."
I FREAKED OUT.
I WAS LIKE, "WE CAN'T.
THE RIVER IS CLOSED.
THEY HAD TO SHUT IT DOWN.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT THAT?
THEY GOT ALIKE, CLEAN ALL THE FISH?
YOU DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT THE RIVER SHUTDOWN?"
I WAS SO FLUSTERED FROM THAT, SHE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT
ABOUT FRACKING IN ARGENTINA.
AND FOR A SPLIT SECOND I THOUGHT FRACKING WAS SOME KIND OF
DIGESTIVE ISSUE.
I SAID FRACKING IN ARGENTINA PROBABLY HAS TO DO WITH THEIR
DIET.
FIX THE DIET.
FIX THE ISSUE.
( LAUGHTER )
STUPID THAT SOMEONE CAN'T EVEN GUESS WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE SHE CAN'T PIECE THAT TOGETHER.
SHE ACTUALLY BECAME MORE EXCITED.
SHE WAS LIKE, "THAT'S AMAZING.
YOU THINK BECAUSE OF THEIR DIET THAT IT'S AFFECTING THE WAY THEY
PRIORITIZE THEIR ENVIRONMENTAL POLICIES?
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S WHAT I WAS GETTING AT.
YOU KNOW, I WAS RAFTING ALL DAY.
I DIDN'T DO MY RESEARCH, BUT, YEAH.
ABSOLUTELY.
MY PADDLE BROKE.
IT WAS JUST ME OUT THERE, BUT I AGREE."
THEN I HAD A REAL TEST AIR, REAL TEST OF MATURITY.
NOW, THIS IS PROBLEMATIC WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY.
IT REALLY IS.
BUT I'M TRYING TO BE BETTER ABOUT PONTING THE FINGER INWARD.
RIGHT NOW PEOPLE ARE TRIGGER-HAPPY CALLING OTHER
PEOPLE OUT.
AND I'M TRYING TO HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE.
THE WAITER COME OVER, STRAIGHT GUY WITH A GAY VOICE.
I KNOW GAY VOICE ISN'T A THING.
THAT WOULD BE OFFENSIVE AND ABSURD.
AND YET, YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
LIKE...
( APPLAUSE )
WONDERING, YOU PROBABLY HAVE THAT VOICE.
LIKE, THAT'S-- "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S GETTING AT."
SO THE WAITER COMES OVER.
AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, YOU TWO ARE SO CUTE.
YES, YES!
KA-UTE.
YOU TWO REMIND ME OF ME AND MY WIFE."
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE A WIFE?" "YES, GIRL, YES!"
( LAUGHTER )
I'M GOING TO NEED TO SEE YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE."
( LAUGHTER )
"I'M GOING TO NEED TO SEE IT.
MAYBE FOR DESSERT OR SOMETHING I'M GOING TO NEED-- I'M GOING TO
NEED TO SEE YOU WITH THAT VOICE JUST BE LIKE 'GIRL, YOU'RE GOING
TO GET IT TONIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT!
I LOVE THOSE SHOES!
YES!
'" BECAUSE THEN I'M HOPING SHE'S GOING TO COME OUT AND BE LIKE,
," AND YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT TONIGHT!"
THE WOMAN'S THE MAN ONE.
OH, MY GOD.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE EMMA IN THE SEASON FINALE OF "CRAZY
EX-GIRLFRIEND" ON THE CW.
EMMA WILLMANN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.