Hello!
Seiiti Arata.
Have you ever tried to help someone and just got snapped at in return?
That person you love is upset, telling you about something bad that happened to them...
you try to help by offering a solution, and then they get mad at you?
To avoid suffering from this, there are many basic concepts from positive psychology that
you can use to improve your communication, learn to listen, and finally genuinely help
those who come to you with a problem.
Today, we'll explain the minimum you need to understand about one of the most important
of these basic concepts: the concept of validation.
Validation.
This is an idea that can make a huge difference in your relationships.
When it comes to offering help and support, it's not just about the solution you're providing
or how effective your strategy is.
In fact, you could offer the perfect solution, and it could still be totally useless if you
ignore the importance of validation.
Effective communication isn't just about the quality of your ideas, but also how you approach
the situation and the person you're trying to help.
If you want to be truly helpful and have a positive impact on your relationships, it's
important to prioritise validation and understanding before offering solutions or help.
So, when someone else is talking to you, listen carefully.
Show genuine interest and empathy.
Repeat or summarise the other person's perspective to demonstrate understanding.
This way, you can create a strong connection and build trust.
This makes your guidance and support welcome and effective, instead of coming across as
arrogant or condescending.
Remember that everyone has their own experiences and perspectives, and it's important to acknowledge
and respect that before trying to offer solutions or help.
We can mess up even when we just want to help.
I know you're doing your best to support those you love.
You want to help them overcome difficulties.
But sometimes, when we're trying to be helpful, we end up making things worse.
Have you ever noticed that when people share a problem with you and you try to offer solutions
or advice, they sometimes get angry and accuse you of not really listening?
In the Happiness training, which you can visit at https://arata.se/happiness, we will have
a series of interactive activities that help you get to know yourself better and also use
psychology to understand how other people behave.
And here's an important thing to remember: when someone shares a problem with you, they're
generally looking for validation and understanding first.
At that moment, they're probably not in the emotional state of wanting a solution.
In this initial shock phase, they just want to be heard, comforted, and feel like someone
cares about their feelings.
That's where active listening comes in.
Active listening is about paying full attention to what the other person is saying, without
interrupting or formulating a response in your head.
It's about showing genuine interest and empathy, and repeating or summarising their perspective
to show that you understand.
Now, I know you might be thinking, "But I listen!
I'm just trying to help!"
And that's great, you really are trying to help.
Soon, when we talk about advanced validation, you'll realise that it's not a good idea to
listen while your mind is thinking about what you'll say next.
Sometimes, when we're too focused on finding a solution, we can end up not really hearing
what the other person is saying.
Or we can give the impression that we're not listening.
It's not enough to just listen.
You also need to prove that you've listened.
Give this a go: next time someone you love shares a problem with you, take a deep breath
and just listen.
Acknowledge the other person's feelings and try to understand the situation from their
perspective.
Ask questions to make sure you get their point of view.
And if you're not sure you understood, don't be afraid to say: "Hey, can you help me understand
better what you're saying?
So this and this happened, and that's why you're feeling like this?".
All of this proves that you're listening, that you have genuine interest and are using
empathy in the conversation.
I know it might feel weird at first if you're not used to it.
But this simple change in the way you listen can make a big difference in your relationship.
And who knows, by practising active listening and showing that you truly care about their
feelings, later on you might find they're more open to your advice and support in the
long run.
Don't just listen to what's said.
To use advanced validation, pay attention to what's not said.
Now let's dive a bit deeper into the concept of validation.
Validation is about understanding and recognising another person's feelings and experiences.
It's about showing genuine interest and empathy, and trying to see things from their point
of view.
But there's a level of validation that goes beyond acknowledging what someone has said
out loud.
It's about reading between the lines, so to speak, and understanding the thoughts and
emotions that the other person hasn't expressed.
This requires a deep understanding of the person, and being able to articulate all of
this accurately, even if they haven't said anything out loud.
You'll only do this if you really actively listen and are fully present, paying attention
not just to the words, but also to facial expressions, body posture, and little details.
That's why you shouldn't try to formulate responses or think about what to say next
when doing active listening.
Now, it's important to note that validation doesn't mean agreeing and approving of everything
the other person says or does.
It's about being on their side, but also being honest and respectful.
If there are behaviours or actions that don't align with their desires or goals, it's okay
to address these points in a gentle, respectful way and at the right time.
Not only is it okay, sometimes it might even be necessary to move the conversation forward.
The key is to do this in a way that doesn't invalidate their feelings or experiences.
Don't invalidate others' feelings.
Let me give you an example.
Say your sister woke up late for a doctor's appointment because she stayed up late watching
TV shows.
She's upset and tells you about it, crying because the doctor was very rude during the
appointment.
Your sister is feeling awful.
The wrong way to handle this would be to completely ignore the fact that she woke up late.
Ignoring the fact that she woke up late is like not acknowledging the facts.
This makes you seem disinterested or naive because waking up late is an important part
of the story.
Another wrong way would be to be condescending or accuse your sister of being irresponsible
for staying up late.
That's not being on her side.
A better way to handle it would be to acknowledge that waking up late isn't ideal for meeting
her goal of seeing the doctor.
So, although waking up late contributed to the situation, you should also focus on the
fact that being late doesn't give the doctor the right to be rude to patients.
The doctor could have refused to see her because of the delay, but once they agreed to provide
the service, being rude was unfair.
Saying this out loud shows that you're on your sister's side.
Do you understand?
This shows that you're on your sister's side and that you understand and support her.
Make sure your communication demonstrates how you understand the situation and are on
her side, rather than blaming or ignoring her feelings or important facts in the story.
Validation should be honest and respectful.
And it's about being able to read between the lines and accurately articulate the unexpressed
thoughts and emotions of the other person.
This is a crucial skill to have in any relationship, and it can really make a big difference in
how you're able to support and help your loved ones.
You can have a better and happier life using basic concepts from positive psychology.
The key to being truly helpful and supportive in your relationships is to start with validation
and understanding.
By actively listening and acknowledging other people's feelings and experiences, you can
build a strong connection and create a safe space for open communication.
So, next time someone comes to you with a problem, first understand their point of view
before offering solutions.
Your genuine interest and empathy will build trust and strengthen your relationships.
You can learn more about positive psychology at https://arata.se/happiness.