JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT: The Royals!
Rulers of this mighty kingdom.
Now, the queen may be having a glorious nationwide party for
her Diamond Jubilee, but it's going to be nowhere near as
good as my patriotic picnic.
Harry!
MALE SPEAKER: Jubilee picnic.
JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT: So today for my royal hamper, I'm
going to be making a pink lemonade Victoria sponge, some
cava-jam with scones, and then some dog food sausage rolls
for the corgis.
Arf, arf, arf.
MALE SPEAKER: Pink lemonade cake.
JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT: So I've decided to bring the Victoria
sponge up-to-date and make a pink lemonade cake.
It's like any other cake, you're going to start with
breaking some eggs.
Harry's my favorite, because I imagine if it wasn't a royal
he'd just be daggering some girl at Oceana,
knocking back Reefs.
I kind of feel sorry for the queen, because her life is
just an endless stream of being forced to go to public
events, looking at things.
When I bet all she really wants to do
is hang out at Windsor.
Walking around with a rifle, with a Rothman fag hanging out
of her mouth and just finding wild rabbits to
shoot in the face.
If I were the queen, I would just get a hologram like
Tupac, and send it out to do all the shitty work.
Make sure it's whisked thoroughly.
And then you're going to put it in the two tins.
So it's one in the pink and two in the tins.
MALE SPEAKER: Cava-jam scones.
JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT: So the jam is really simple.
It's just blueberries, sugar, and some cava.
And you're going to dump that all in a pan.
It's really funny.
I guess from the outside looking in, as a nation we
must look really patriotic.
Because whenever there's any kind of royal bank holiday,
everyone has a party and gets shit-faced.
It's almost like a nationwide Nottinghill
carnival for white people.
MALE SPEAKER: Dog sausage rolls.
JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT: Now, I don't want to leave out the
best bit of the royal family, and that's the Queen's corgis.
So I'm going to make them some dog food sausage rolls.
So the first step is to roll out some puff pastry.
I couldn't be fucked to make my own.
You have to be an idiot with too much time on their hands
to make your own puff pastry.
I like corgis.
Because you know when you look at something really cute and
you want to crush it?
Just things that are already pudgy with big eyes, you want
to squeeze it to death.
They're so cute, I want to crush their skulls.
Oh, fuck it.
Oh, I got it on my crotch.
And now to roll them up into roll shapes.
You're going to pop these in the oven.
They go all puffed up and golden.
MALE SPEAKER: Cake layers.
JOANNA FUERTES-KNIGHT: So I've used most of the homemade
cava-jam already in my scones.
I'm just going to put it in the filling
of my lemonade cake.
I'd rather have a chemical rainbow in my mouth than bite
into a bean burger that takes like a coaster.
That's what science is for, making things better.
I'm really sick of all these pretentious foodies.
Good food doesn't need fancy
ingredients to taste delicious.
There you go.
It's a cake fit for a queen.
Who's a good corgi, hm?
Good corgi.
Aw!
Good corgi.