- [Narrator] From West Hollywood California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- I'm Scrum Tooterscoots.
- And I'm Danny Warbucks, no relation.
- Teens, they're America's largest children.
But could they also be the dumbest?
Only months after satisfying their hunger for Tide pods,
(laughs) teens have started a new dangerous fad.
- Taking shits while standing up.
- That's right, no squatting or bending or anything.
Just standing perfectly straight and squeezing out a turd.
- It's called Ann Coultering because your butthole is
(suppressed laughter)
unbelievably tight.
You spew shit everywhere and when you're done,
everyone hates you.
- Though some doctors say Ann Coultering
is physically impossible, others say,
"No, I bet I could do it."
Then everyone just sort of imagines
how that whole thing would even work.
Despite these warnings from the medical community,
hundreds of teens have attempted the Ann Coulter Challenge,
to the detriment of bathrooms everywhere.
Asked about how the phenomemon has effected his bathroom,
one Starbucks manager in Brooklyn said,
"I have seen no difference".
- Disturbing stuff, Scrum.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- While YouTube has promised to remove all videos
of lock-kneed teens dropping a deuce,
more go up every day as people hear about the challenge
and say, "Hey yeah, what would that look like?"
- And, more importantly, what would it feel like?
- Enticing questions, to be sure.
And now, for entertainment news, we go to Chunch Cucumbers.
Chunch?
- [Chunch] Thanks, Scrum.
If you're a fan
of the Transformers movie, you're shit outta luck,
because I'm gonna talk about "Call Me by Your Name."
Big news for the peach that got fucked by Timothée Chalamet.
This lovable bundle of juice is set to star
in the remake of "American Pie 2" in the role of the pie.
That's right, they're only remaking the second one.
Also, Streep alert! Streep alert!
Meryl Streep feasts tonight. (laughs)
Hide your children and hang a bough of fresh rosemary
over your door; Streep season is upon us.
Streep will feast on the bones of the unworthy.
Fear and glory to Streep!
Finally, it's pilot season and America can't wait
to see what piece of shit is only gonna last one month.
The top contender this year is a show
where a detective solves crimes but is also something else,
like a werewolf or a time traveler or a man
with a perfect memory or something.
But, the greatest mystery is the one that he is closest to,
like the murder of a family member.
He could also be a licensed psychiatrist
or a dog walker, or maybe he just has a mental illness.
Yes, it seems like America is always ready
to tolerate a show about a detective
who is also one other thing,
but only for about a month.
- I'm sorry, Chunch, I'm gonna have to interrupt you.
We're getting some breaking news from the mall.
We go live to our man in the street, Twink Marmalade.
Tell us what you're seeing, Twink.
- Chaos, Scrum. Utter chaos.
Starbucks is releasing seven new drinks
and people are rioting.
- What sort of new drinks are we talking about here, Twink?
- Oh, you better believe I'm gonna list them.
- Please do.
- Nothing would make me, personally, happier right now
than to hear you list a couple of new Starbucks flavors.
- Then buckle up, Danny, because here I go.
We've got the Caramel-fisted Bambino,
the Blumpkin-spiced Latte, the Burnt Dinner Coffee
poured by a brassy waitress who calls you "hon",
Bread and Gravy Mocha, Salted Chapstick Macchiato,
a cup full of bones, and something just called Jeremy.
- Yum! I can't wait to pour some Jeremy down my throat.
- (laughs) Then get down here, Scrum,
and enjoy a piping hot venti Jeremy while you still can.
- We will! Thanks, Twink.
- Thank you, Danny.
- No, thank you!
- Okay.
- Well, that's all the time we have.
To all our viewers at home, good night or good luck.
And an extra special congratulations
to our employee of the week this week.
We aren't supposed to laugh or smile
and this person really beefed it the most.
Congrats to Ally. - What?
(claps)
- Thank you.