why do people have hoover hope so what's happening in your brain
when you trauma bond with a cluster b and then why it's so hard to get away
and even if you do get away like you break away or they discard you
then why is it so hard to get over that and there's many reasons but
right now i'm just going to focus on what's going on
in people's brains the outsiders and all those people
in people's lives who say well why don't you just get over it already
or why do you keep going back to that person or because they don't understand
what you're really going through and they probably have never been
through anything like that so they just don't understand
so other people think it's just a simple logical decision to walk away
from anyone that poses or causes any psychological threat or damage
but the reasons that people end up staying entangled in harmful
relationships are really complex and so it's not okay it's not so simple
just saying your behavior is unacceptable
or this violated my boundary or hey you cheated on me that
that's a deal breaker and i'm leaving because some people have real struggles
with this and for legitimate reasons it means that leaving an abuser is not
solely a cognitive decision so it's not just based on thinking but
it's tied to neurochemical psychological and emotional anchors and when it comes
to the brain when given the choice to follow emotions
or logic in circumstances like these it but the brain follows
emotions which isn't always the most helpful
thing it all starts at the beginning of these relationships obviously right
they seem so great they seem like somebody they're not
intermittent reinforcement is so super powerful and addicting trauma
bonding it was identified in around i think 1981
by dr donald dutton and susan painter it was a theory that they posed but i
think it's way more than a theory now but in their theory it explained that
there are two features within abusive relationships that seem
to strongly seal the emotional attachment
remember that attachment is a trauma bond
that many victims have to an abuser power differential and the intermittent
style of bad good treatment are those two main things so it's an
emotional roller coaster and the brain of the victim or your brain responds to
everything that's going on it's it the neurochemistry
can increase the bond and attachment to an abuse of person
many with cluster b as you know some people
bpd and of course narcissists and beyond but like many with bpd2 and
different motivations but they have this um you know all about power and me
kind of approach and many with bp you don't realize this but
they can still do it like in a more over compensatory way
not quite as controlling or seemingly you know in charge so to speak as
perhaps a narcissist or a psychopath but they require this dominant position
often a person with ppd might show a really
dependent position but they will over compensate
usually at times with a dominant position
or they may stay in a more needy sort of you know really dependent position
but whichever way this goes it's it's to ensure that this that they get
what they need right supply in the narcissist case a
lot of different things in case of somebody with dpd
but it's manipulation and emotional abuse and it can also rise to physical
violence so this unreasonable control that's
needed over partners in one way or another
leaves people um trying to struggle to establish a cooperative or
fair relationship so there's some non-psychological and non-neurological
factors but right now i think a lot of people
know what they are the trauma bond which is also a type
of bond but it's based it's not based on love
when you get into these relationships feel such a strong connection
and gone through many ups and downs and and then you feel like you really
just love this person so much i mean that's what clients are telling me all
the time that's what comments to the channel and
my different videos of mine reflect really really just love this person
really loving somebody who's abusing you and this might mean that you know people
believe that this means that you're meant to be
together but of course there's a lot more going
on subconsciously in those who are trauma bonded to a
person with bpd npd or even a psychopath that that really
drives a lot of what's happening inside of you that can be subconscious
for you as well many people ascribe that this abuser
that their relationship to or person like with bp that's abusive
and untreated as a soulmate right this this status
they give soulmate status to this person based on the chemistry they feel with
them you may believe or have believe that
you've been loved in return and bonding is not always a synonym for
love and chemistry can be extremely strong
even with the wrong person the human brain
is able to connect to negative sources sometimes even
with more intensity than positive safe sources
and that goes back again usually to family of origin
childhood issues and trauma and what's happening
subconsciously in the inner child of so many people
that are with cluster b's and going through or going through this
after a relationship so it's really important to know that because
some bonds are detrimental and not based on love
at all so neuroscience underlying this crippling trauma bond with people
who are in relationship with often stressed are narcissists or
psychopaths but this is true for people in relationships
with bpd2 especially when they're untreated
so there's a lot of psychological symptoms there's underlying brain
functions that are responsible for people's behavior
and two of the most prominent neural chemicals linked to
traumatic bonding are dopamine and oxytocin and dopamine
is a neurotransmitter in the brain that's associated with several functions
due to the presence of two general types of dopamine receptors
and i'm not going to go into the deep level of all the neurobiological
information with that through these receptors dopamine can be
involved in many different actions and behaviors
like for example even movement disorders emotions
mental illness well what they always refer to as mental illness
it's just stress and abuse and oxytocin is a neuropeptide and a hormone that is
synthesized in the hypothalamus and and many
have termed it the cuddle hormone but it's quite like dopamine and has
wide range of actions and depending on the brain regions and social stimuli
present oxytocin can even have some negative effects on behavior
and actions so all this is going on with brain chemistry in the aftermath
of these cluster b relationship for many oxytocin and dopamine become imbalanced
and unregulated by the way this is not so unlike what happens
with these two um the neurotransmitter and the
neuropeptide i mentioned to people with bpd
and what's going on with their behavior too because it's all about
trauma the neurochemical changes will place the victim
in a tough position because dopamine and oxytocin
can lead to so many different actions that place
your safety at risk so lots of people know hey this person with bpd this
narcissist is psychopath and i'm not saying they're all the same
but but they're no good for me and like what am i doing
and like but your brain is really you know working against you there so the
imbalance of chemistry can cause the victim to experience intense cravings
and wanting that partner wanting them back to hoover hope
etc thoughts will often follow to make then you have obsessive thoughts that
are often following to try to make sense of your feelings and your behavior and
why you haven't just walked away it's like your head knows like
intellectually you're like this doesn't make any sense but it's just not that
simple because trauma bonding really is trauma
bonding and it affects your neurobiology and your psychology
and your mental health and your way the way that you think it's
just it just it overtakes people really and people
try to rationalize the behaviors of the abuser because they can't figure
out why they're feeling the way that they're
feeling and that's why i think so many people get into the false hope
that later becomes hoover hope of you know well they're trying
or even now you know i hear a lot from clients too that
well he or she is in therapy or they discarded me and they just started
therapy but remember a lot of these people are not going to therapy for the
right reasons a lot of them are with the right type or
special specialist in this area of mental health
or trauma real really more to the point so
so just because somebody goes to therapy it's like
the horse that you've led to water or that decides to go to the water but
never takes a drink staying when logic says go boy do people
go through this and then have a really hard time and
feel really bad about themselves and in some cases and in some cases
unfortunately people really lose their lives to this because they can't make
sense out of staying or or the hoover hope or
the hoover that the self hoovering of the ex when the brain when you know
somewhere inside uh you know logic says i gotta go but what i like i can't go
because all the obsessive thinking and all what your brain is doing
and the brain's reward system is often the motivation behind
your decision it's not really a decision but to stay
and unfortunately this has led to negative consequences for so many people
and like i said so many people lose their lives to this
they take their lives it's extremely difficult to think clearly
number one when you've been stressed abused and traumatized
but also because oxytocin and dopamine place such importance
and value on that person that abuser so the combination of neurochemistry
with endogenous opioids can create an addictive attachment
that's difficult to break which is really the essence of what a
trauma bond is and for the person who's developed
post-traumatic stress disorder or complex post-traumatic stress
disorder their return to the abuser will worsen their mental health and
physical health and having reactions of craving
dependence withdrawal can occur even after you've been aware
that logically this person is dangerous for
you and not a desirable mate partner
girlfriend boyfriend or even friend or mother
or whatever the relationship type is so the decision
to stay is not really such a clear decision at all it rather
is an addictive response that the brain can have to a relationship of this type
and this is predicated on usually some level of trauma varying levels of trauma
and people's early childhood so this could happen to anyone after a toxic
relationship though but particularly for those who have an
attachment that makes them vulnerable to an
intimate partner so different attachments involved in
that too dependency and avoidance withdrawal
well due to the search of oxytocin and dopamine the victim will require a
connection to the abusive individual to keep from going through the painful
feelings of withdrawal because you have become dependent
and this particular dependency it's really important to note
is not codependents now codependents often exist with this other
really sort of brain-driven neural peptides and neurotransmitter
driven chemical soup of dependence
so it's not always just a codependency this particular neurochemical
dependency is a reflection of the same neural circuitry we associate
with drug dependence so so that withdrawal that people are
feeling and have described and you might still be dealing with
really is the addre withdrawal of an addiction
but it's not like you took a drug but it's it's
the sort of quote drugs unquote that work
in our systems and symptoms of withdrawal
craving the toxic relationship or the abuse of individual or the borderline
the narcissist or the psychopath deciding to stay are
not a reflection of personal weakness on the part of the
person being victimized and traumatized by someone else
so it's simply normal brain response to an
abnormal situation the kindness abuse mixture you know
in in with those with bp the mean sweet cycle
when the narcissist it's that you know slides on the mr or
nice guy or ms nice person mask and then boom it comes off and everything changes
intermittent reinforcement again so those with insecure attachment
foundations will unfortunately respond more intensely to these circumstances
um isn't it sorry isn't it hard to get over anyone though
well yes to bearing degrees for people will be hard to get over anyone though
as you put it but not in the sense of what trauma bonding really
is in that neurochemical soup i just barely described some of
and the fact that it becomes an addictive situation
because in in healthier relationships people usually aren't carrying around
the same kind of woundedness or trauma from their childhoods as well
so it's a mix of things in healthier relationships when people break up
or yeah it's often much more mutual or if it's not mutual
it's at least discussed and it has that really important difference
not always but often of closure or some sense of closure
and so it can be hard to get over any relationship breakup very true
but not in the same way that it is hard to get out of a trauma bond and really
move forward and do the healing required to not still be having the hover hope or
still be having a withdrawal because like i was just explaining there
it's really bigger than what one's thinking it's it
it overrides it's the brain overriding your intellectual process of knowing
that somebody isn't good for you this doesn't tend to happen in other
types of relationships but it happens with the so-called
cluster b personality disorder um for other for
for those who get trauma bonded with them so so you
know you you're in a trauma bonded situation
with your family of origin and i think it's really important to note that
that's that's exactly what i was describing in
many ways that's how so many people feel but you make very good points there
wills and and so it really is what's happened to your system
it's what's going on in your brain it's not what's just going on in your
psychology or your emotions but you know whenever whenever the brain has
these different kinds of reactions along with
protective reactions a fight bite freezer pond within the amygdala you
know the reptilian brain wow you know you can't just think your
way out of it that's the problem and you said uh that that's me ptsd not
going back well that's good i'm glad to hear that
you you really resolute that you're not going back sorry to hear you have the
ptsd though uh new here i've been sick for almost
five years because of my ex oh well welcome but i'm sorry to hear that
watch a lot of my videos thought i was going nuts
and just and just not good enough it was tough and still is
just new here hello well like i said yeah i'm sorry to hear it's tough
it is tough for a while this is why people really do need to seek out some
therapy and some help with this because it's very complicated
and it's hard for people you know when you're overrun by emotion
and the neuro chemicals in your brain and the amygdala's response to all of
this one is so overwhelmed when you know
people can often you can't think your way out of it
that's the difficulty there but welcome again to the channel always
nice to see somebody new that's something that can be quite the
issue and and you know i think i wonder if anybody here's experienced this
and wales is kind of not and that's really sad and tragic and i'm one of
those people by the way that you know i really have um
you know i really had that dysfunctional family of origin and
you know i don't know how i figured this out when i was in therapy like three
decades plus ago because there was no internet to say go
no contact there were no books but you know i think somewhere
inside we can have this intuition of knowing but again it's really difficult
because of different relationships like it like
when i was leaving my family of origin when i went no contact with them
you know that's parents that's it's it's like really difficult and painful but of
course people have to go through this process
to you to be able to get free among all the other steps required
and the healing and recovery journey required to really get
free you need to break the trauma bond and to break the trauma bond means
going no contact
you