[ MUSIC ] [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH.
WOW.
THANK YOU.
WHAT A SHOW!
THIS IS EXCITING!
I'M EXCITED.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] OH MY GOSH.
WOW.
ALL RIGHT.
UM, JEWS -- [ LAUGHTER ]
-- OK, WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE AT?
JEWS IN THE HOUSE?
WOW.
A LOT OF THEM.
WE'RE REPRESENTING TONIGHT.
REPRESENTING.
ALTHOUGH WE DON'T REALLY REPRESENT LIKE THAT.
IT'S LIKE WE REPRESENT MANY CLIENTS.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF
REPRESENTING.
LISTEN, JEWS, WE'RE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
WE ALL HAVE THE THREE BASIC HUMAN NEEDS, SEX, MONEY AND
FOOD.
WE JUST WANT THEM IN A DIFFERENT ORDER.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S TOO LATE FOR THE REST OF
THE WORLD.
IT'S SEX, MONEY AND FOOD IN THAT ORDER.
FOR US, NUMBER ONE, MONEY.
HOW DARE YOU!
DO YOU SEE THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ] I LOVE HOW THAT WAS IN UNISON
WITHOUT ANY RESERVATION OR HESITATION.
LIKE, WE'RE GOING TO WIN SOMETHING.
LIKE WE'RE PLAYING "THE FEUD" HERE.
TOP THREE ANSWERS ON THE BOARD, HERE IS THE QUESTION, NAME
SOMETHING JEWS -- [ LAUGHTER ]
-- WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE!
MONEY!
[ LAUGHTER ] WELL, YOU'RE WRONG, IT'S NOT
MONEY.
IT'S FOOD.
FOOD IS NUMBER ONE.
YOU ASK ANY JEW IF THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE A HOT BRISKET
SANDWICH OR THE CASH VALUE OF A HOT BRISKET SANDWICH.
THEY WOULD TAKE THE CASH AND BUY A HOT BRISKET SANDWICH AT A
CHEAPER PLACE AND KEEP THE PROFITS, OK?
YES!
THAT'S HOW WE DO THIS!
[ APPLAUSE ] YES.
FOOD IS NUMBER ONE.
THEN MONEY AND THEN, YEAH.
SEX IS LAST.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SEX, IF YOU HEAR A JEWISH GUY BE LIKE, DAMN, I GOT TO GET ME SOME
OF THAT, HE'S STANDING OVER A DELI COUNTER.
[ LAUGHTER ] WE'RE OBSESSED WITH COLD CUTS,
PEOPLE.
OBSESSED WITH IT.
HIDE THE SALAMI.
NOT A EUPHEMISM FOR US.
WE MEAN IT.
'S A SINGLE -- IT'S A SINGLE -- THEY'RE COMING OVER.
HIDE THE SALAMI.
I ACTUALLY LIKE FOOD.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I LIKE FOOD MORE THAN SEX.
YEAH, FOOD IS JUST SO MUCH LESS COMPLICATED, RIGHT?
THERE'S NO PRESSURE.
IT'S JUST PURE, SELFISH FUN.
WHEN I'M EATING A BURGER, I DON'T HAVE TO BE THINKING, IS
THIS ALSO GOOD FOR THE BURGER?
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE I COULD EAT A SLICE OF PIZZA IN 20 SECONDS.
JUST FINISH IT PREMATURELY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THE PIZZA IS NOT GOING TO BE
LIKE, WHAT WAS THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU GUYS ARE FUN.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW.
FUN.
NOW, I DON'T -- I DON'T MEAN TO COMPLAIN, BUT I'M MARRIED.
I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 24 YEARS.
[ APPLAUSE ] YES, THANK YOU.
THAT'S TRUE.
NOT A JOKE, SADLY.
I KNOW, I LOOK AMAZING.
[ LAUGHTER ] YES.
I AM MARRIED.
IT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT TO SAY THE WORD MARRIED ANYMORE.
I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT MARRIED.
I'M SEXUALLY IMPAIRED.
[ LAUGHTER ] BEING IMPAIRED, YOU KNOW, IT IS
LIKE HAVING A DISABILITY EXCEPT INSTEAD OF BEING ABLE TO PARK
ANYWHERE, UM, YOU ONLY GET ONE SPOT TO PARK IN.
AND ON MOST NIGHTS, THERE'S NO PARKING ALLOWED.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
SINGLE GUYS AND MARRIED GUYS, RIGHT?
SINGLE GUYS, THEY GO AROUND LOOKING FOR A SPOT.
SINGLE GUYS JUST WANT SOME OVERNIGHT PARKING, RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S TRUE.
SOMETIMES -- SOMETIMES WE'LL TAKE THE FIRST SPOT WE'LL SEE.
SOMETIMES THEY WILL CIRCLE THE BLOCK LOOKING FOR A BETTER SPOT.
THEY WILL EVEN APPROACH A SPOT THAT'S TAKEN AND BE LIKE, ARE
YOU -- [ LAUGHTER ]
ARE YOU LEAVING?
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] YOU GUYS ARE STAYING?
HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE?
IT'LL BE AWHILE?
OK.
I'LL GO AROUND.
THAT'S SINGLE GUYS.
MARRIED GUYS, WE HAVE A SPOT, AND IT'S OUR OWN LEGAL SPOT, BUT
THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF PARKING RESTRICTIONS.
OH YEAH, YOU HAVE TO READ THE SIGNS ON HER FACE EVERY NIGHT
LIKE, CAN I PARK HERE TONIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ] WILL THIS BE OK?
WHAT'S THIS SAY?
NO PARKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY, 8:00 P.M. TO MIDNIGHT EXCEPT FOR
WEEKENDS, HOLIDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES.
YEAH, I'M NOT GOING TO RISK IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO RISK IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU GOT TO READ THE SIGNS.
EVEN ABOUT POSITIONS.
NO STANDING ANYTIME.
THAT'S OK.
I DON'T -- LISTEN IDON'T NEED ANY FANCY POSITIONS, YOU KNOW?
I'M HAPPY TO JUST PARALLEL PARK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'VE ACCEPTED THE FACT THERE'S
NO REAR PARKING.
[ LAUGHTER ] OH NO.
NO.
NO. NO.
I TRIED ONCE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I GOT TOWED!
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH.
YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] THANK YOU.
[ APPLAUSE ] BUT I DON'T NEED ANYTHING CRAZY.
I DON'T ASK FOR THREE WAYS.
I GET IT.
THERE'S NO DOUBLE-PARKING.
I GOT IT.
I'M NOT LOOKING TO VALET PARK.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS EITHER.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT ALL OF THE RESTRICTIONS,
IT'S FRUSTRATING.
IT'S FRUSTRATING, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY SOME GUYS ARE LIKE, I SHOULD JUST PAY FOR PARKING.
BUT NOT ME.
I NEVER HAVE.
EVER.
JEWS DON'T PAY FOR PARKING!
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
OK? YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ESPECIALLY WHEN SELF-PARKING IS FREE.
THANK YOU, GUYS, SO MUCH.
YOU'RE A BLAST.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> James: ELON GOLD, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
WATCH FOR HIM ON CRASHING ON HBO!
COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY!