WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ONE AND ALL.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE, BUT DONALD TRUMP CAN
STILL SHOCK ME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA, SHOCK!
>> Stephen: IT'S KIND OF NICE, YOU KNOW, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
HE CAN KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP FRESH.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK, YOU KNOW, HE'S BEEN AROUND FOR A WHILE AND
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE SHOCKED BY HIM ANYMORE, HE POPS UP AND
SCARES THE ( BLEEP ) OUT OF YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S, LIKE, LEATHERFACE BUT WITH
MORE LEATHER AND WAY MORE FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR INSTANCE, OVER THE WEEKEND,
SEX CRIMINAL JEFFREY EPSTEIN WAS FOUND DEAD IN HIS NEW YORK JAIL
CELL.
NOW, HE APPARENTLY, THEY SAY -- AND I GUESS THEY WOULD KNOW,
THOUGH THEY CAN'T SAY HOW -- ( LAUGHTER )
COMMITTED SUICIDE, WHICH IS SURPRISING BECAUSE, THREE WEEKS
AGO, HE WAS FOUND UNCONSCIOUS WITH MARKS ON HIS NECK.
HOW THE MARKS GOT THERE, THE AUTHORITIES DID NOT SHARE WITH
THE PUBLIC.
AND YET, EPSTEIN WAS LEFT ALONE AND NOT CLOSELY MONITORED.
NOW, MAYBE HE WAS JUST IN ONE OF THOSE PRISONS THAT REALLY VALUES
INMATE PRIVACY!
( LAUGHTER ) LOVELY.
THEN AGAIN, EPSTEIN KNEW A LOT OF POWERFUL AND IMPORTANT
PEOPLE, INCLUDING ALAN DERSHOWITZ, FORMER NEW MEXICO
GOVERNOR BILL RICHARDSON, PRINCE ANDREW, AS WELL AS
PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON AND PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP.
IT'S A WHO'S WHO OF "WHO'S JEFFREY EPSTEIN?
I'VE NEVER MET JEFFREY EPSTEIN."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS HAS SET OFF A WAVE OF WILD
CONSPIRACY THEORIES ONLINE.
THE SORT OF STUFF THAT ONLY UNSTABLE TINFOIL HAT LOONS COULD
POSSIBLY BELIEVE, SO DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP FANS, THEY'RE COMING
AROUND!
COMING AROUND!
BECAUSE A FEW HOURS AFTER EPSTEIN'S BODY WAS FOUND, TRUMP
SHARED A TWEET AND VIDEO THAT CLAIMED WITHOUT EVIDENCE THAT
FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON AND FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE
HILLARY CLINTON WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR EPSTEIN'S DEATH.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) REALLY?
REALLY?
THAT'S YOUR THEORY?
I'M NOT SAYING THE CLINTONS DON'T HAVE ANY POWER-- HE COULD
DEFINITELY GET A RESERVATION AT ANY RESTAURANT IN NEW YORK
CITY, PARTY OF FOUR, 7:00 ON A SATURDAY -- MAYBE NOT -- BUT
MASTERMINDING A SCHEME TO ASSASSINATE A HIGH PROFILE
PRISONER IN MAXIMUM SECURITY FEDERAL CUSTODY?
THEY COULDN'T EVEN MASTERMIND A VISIT TO WISCONSIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT TRUMP CLEARLY THINKS IT'S
THE LOGICAL ANSWER.
(AS TRUMP) "FOLLOW ME DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
HERE.
OKAY?
WHO HAD THE MOST TO GAIN FROM EPSTEIN'S DEATH BESIDES ME WHO
IS ON VIDEOTAPE PARTYING WITH HIM AND YOUNG WOMEN?
( LAUGHTER ) AND WHO CONTROLS ALL FEDERAL
PRISONS?
THE PRESIDENT.
BILL CLINTON!
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
WHAT?
ME?
HOW?
( LAUGHTER ) DIDN'T THEY HEAR WHAT I SAID ON
THAT BUS?
THIS IS INSANE."
YES, IT IS INSANE, MR. PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS PUSHING A DANGEROUS
AND COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED MURDER CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT HIS
PREDECESSOR.
IT REMINDS ME OF F.D.R.'S IMMORTAL WORDS:
>> THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS --
HERBERT HOOVER!
HE'S A LIZARD ALIEN!
THEY WALK AMONG US!
RUN!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MISS THAT MAN.
THIS CAME RIGHT ON THE HEELS OF TRUMP'S VISITS TO DAYTON, OHIO
AND EL PASO, TEXAS.
IN A TIME OF NATIONAL TRAGEDY, WE LOOK TO THE PRESIDENT TO
CONSOLE A NATION.
BUT DONALD TRUMP WAS LOOKING TO HEAL A DEEPER WOUND: HIS EGO.
( LAUGHTER ) AIDES SAY THAT WHEN TRUMP DOES
SOMETHING THAT HE BELIEVES HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN PRAISED FOR,
SUCH AS WEDNESDAY'S VISITS TO THE CITIES, HE GROWS FURIOUS
WHEN HE DOES NOT RECEIVE ACCOLADES.
(AS TRUMP) "I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY TO ALL
THOSE SUFFERING HERE IN DAYTON, YOU'RE WELCOME.
( LAUGHTER ) WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SMILE?"
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THIS WOULD EXPLAIN WHY, ON HIS
WAY TO EL PASO, AFTER TRUMP SAW NEGATIVE NEWS COVERAGE, HE
SCREAMED AT HIS AIDES TO BEGIN PRODUCING PROOF THAT, IN EL
PASO, PEOPLE WERE HAPPY TO SEE HIM.
BUT NOT ONE OF THE EIGHT PATIENTS STILL BEING TREATED
WANTED TO MEET WITH THE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) (AS SURVIVOR)
"I JUST SURVIVED A NATIONAL TRAGEDY, DON'T MAKE ME MEET
ONE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S REALLY GOT TO BE A BLOW TO TRUMP'S EGO.
(AS TRUMP) "THEY DON'T WANT TO MEET ME?
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?
A CHAMPIONSHIP SPORTS TEAM?
( LAUGHTER ) I EVEN BROUGHT A TABLE OF
CONGEALED BIG MAC."
( LAUGHTER ) "IT CONGEALS INTO ONE LARGER
MAC.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
TO COMPENSATE, ADMINISTRATORS BROUGHT BACK TWO PATIENTS WHO
HAD ALREADY BEEN DISCHARGED WHO EXPRESSED A WILLINGNESS TO MEET
WITH THE PRESIDENT.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A STRANGE CALL.
(AS PATIENT ON PHONE) "WHAT'S THAT, DOCTOR?
YOU NEED ME TO COME BACK TO THE HOSPITAL?
THERE'S AN INFECTION?
AND IT WANTS A PICTURE WITH ME?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THE PRESS WERE NOT ALLOWED
INSIDE THE HOSPITAL, BUT CELLPHONE VIDEO SHOWED TRUMP
CONSOLING THE SURVIVORS IN THE ONLY WAY HE KNEW HOW: BY TALKING
ABOUT HIS EL PASO RALLY FROM FEBRUARY.
>> THAT WAS SOME CROWD.
NK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO.
>> WE HAD TWICE THE NUMBER OUTSIDE. AND THEN YOU HAD THIS
CRAZY BETO.
BETO HAD LIKE 400 PEOPLE IN A PARKING LOT AND THEY SAY HIS
CROWD WAS WONDERFUL.
>> STEPHEN: A BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENT, WHICH IS WHY EVERY
TIME I HEAD TO A FUNERAL I CONSOLE THE FAMILY WITH MY
STRAIGHT A'S REPORT CARD FROM 8TH GRADE.
PRETTY GREAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE, I
TID NOT MAKE ONE A IN EIGHTH GRADE.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE PATIENTS INVITED BACK
TO THE HOSPITAL TO MEET THE PRESIDENT WAS AN INFANT BOY WHO
LOST BOTH HIS PARENTS IN THE SHOOTING.
THIS IS AN UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDY THAT WILL ALTER THE CHILD'S LIFE
FOREVER, SO, NATURALLY, IN THE PHOTO, TRUMP
IS SMILING, AND GIVING A BIG THUMBS UP.
WHO DOES THAT?
(AS TRUMP) "HEY, WHO'S GOT TWO THUMBS AND
PUTS THEM UP AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME?
THIS GUY."
AND HIS CRITICS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO NOTICED THE WEIRDNESS.
SUCH PICTURES HAVE CONCERNED WHITE HOUSE AIDES, WHO HAVE
ENCOURAGED HIM TO STRIKE A MORE EMPATHETIC TONE.
WHAT HIS AIDES DON'T UNDERSTAND IS THAT TRUMP HAS ONLY ONE PHOTO
POSE AND HE USES IT WITH EVERYONE -- BEAUTY PAGEANT
WINNERS, DICTATORS, OTHER DICTATORS, LIL' JON AND TACO
BOWLS.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"I'M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, TACO BOWL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )