Anyway, I'm very happy to be here.
And I did a show here last night,
and some lady asked if my hair
was natural.
Like, where would you go to get
your hair done like this, you know?
(audience laughing)
She said PetSmart, and that stung
a little bit.
But she was right.
It's a really good deal.
So I've been going back every four
to six weeks, and I'll tell you
that flea bath is tough, man, but--
(audience laughing)
All right, some of you
are digging this, and some of you
are looking at me like didn't we see
this guy under a bridge earlier
today?
(audience laughing)
That was me, man.
I write these jokes in the dirt
and then come in and try them out.
And I'm not looking forward
to this rain.
It's going to wipe out my act.
(audience laughing)
Thanks a lot.
I'm doing good on the right side
of the room,
(audience laughing)
got some Republicans over there.
But, no, I am.
I'm a registered Republican
because I just like showing up
to the meetings
and freaking them out.
They're like, "you're not supposed
"to be here."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, yeah, I am.
When I tie my hair back,
I look like that guy on the nickel.
So they're like, we got to let him in.
He's on the nickel.
(audience laughing)
All right, now, I'm so happy to be
doing shows again.
And I fly to most places.
I mean, I'm not a good driver.
I think when you get a good look
at me, I don't think that comes
as a real shock.
I don't think you
guys are like, I bet this guy can
really drive a car, man.
I'm not good behind the wheel
of an automobile.
If you look at me,
I've got a weird eye going that way,
which makes it
interesting at four-way stops,
you know.
(audience laughing)
They're like, which way is this guy
going to go here?
(audience laughing)
That joke always does better
over here.
(audience laughing)
People over here like his eye
is the only normal-looking thing
on him, man.
(audience laughing)
All right.
But I am a bus rider,
and weird things happen to me just
in general, but the bus magnifies it.
And this happened to me at a bus
stop in Colorado.
And I'm from Colorado,
but I don't ski because I'm already
sliding downhill
in so many other areas of my life.
(audience laughing)
Wow, thank you over there, man.
I'm going to get the whole room
to laugh, and my eye will straighten
out just for a minute there.
Wow.
(audience laughing)
But this happened in Colorado.
It was 8 o'clock at night.
It was this time of year.
It was dark out, and say,
like that stool is the bus stop,
right?
I walk up to the bus stop
like you normally would,
and I startled this woman
who was there.
And I get it.
I mean, you know,
I'm a weird-looking guy.
However, you want to say it.
But we live in America here, right?
We have freedom of choice, like--
all right, I'm doing well.
One person at a time, man.
(audience laughing)
Everybody's going to laugh,
it's just individually, but I have--
I've been there before.
I'm not even a comic.
I came in to get out of the cold
for a while,
(audience laughing)
said let me tell my stories.
Give me a bottle of water,
and let me go up there.
No, but what I'm saying
is we live in America, you know.
We have freedom of choice.
I choose to look like this like--
well, people don't usually laugh
there, but all right.
That's cool.
Wherever you guys laugh,
I'll slow down, all right.
I get the feeling there's something
going on behind me that
I'm unaware of.
But no, you know, I do.
I get up in the morning,
check my reflection in the mirror.
I'm like, that is the look
I'm going for.
Let's go to the bank.
I've got stuff to do, you know.
So I walk up to this bus stop.
I startle this woman,
and she says to me,
"are you all right?
(audience laughing)
"Do you have somewhere to go?"
(audience laughing)
And I'm like, yeah, that's why I'm
at a bus stop.
(audience laughing)
I'm going places.
(audience laughing)
I don't think I can time it much better.
Is this is your first time
at a bus stop?
And this happened to me late at night.
I'm riding the bus.
I'm a nightclub entertainer.
This guy stands up on a rolling bus
and asked me for $1.
And first of all,
if you're asking me for money,
I'm going to question
your analytical skills.
I mean, I do not look
like a high roller.
It's like do your homework.
But this guy asked me for $1,
so I try to be polite.
I'm like, I'm sorry, sir,
I don't have a dollar.
Then he cops an attitude with me
and starts talking all tough.
He's like, "hey, man, why don't we
"take our shoes off and do
"a little boxing?"
I don't know.
I'm like, well, that
is a weird request,
but I'm on this bus for another 35
minutes, so let's box, bro.
(audience laughing)
So as he was taking his shoes off,
I beat the heck out of him,
you know.
I'm like, you're the one who wanted
to fight me over $1, buddy.
And you know, because I don't drive,
I walk a lot.
That's my main form of exercise.
And I try to get 10,000 steps a day.
That's what the doctors tell you.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Were you just clapping
because you're like, I bet this guy
didn't even make 7,000 today?
But, no, I bought one
of those pedometers
that you clip on your belt,
you know.
And then I lost it, so I was bummed
because I don't have
a lot of extra pedometer cash laying
around the house, you know.
So then I was like, well, I'll just
keep track in my head of my steps,
and honestly, that's what happened
in my eye, man.
And I was like,
I was doing some heavy math,
my eye was like, I'm not going
to carry the one anymore.
I'm out.
Oh, thanks, wow.
The ole wandering eye joke is found.
Thanks you, guys.
So then I sat down on the sidewalk,
tried to recount my steps.
(audience laughing)
You guys are making up
your own jokes.
You know that huh?
I'll set them up.
You knock them down.
We'll be home.
Time to watch the weather.
But no, I sat down and was retracing
my steps.
I went to the paint store
for no apparent reason,
thinking about some other stuff.
Someone walked by, and they thought
I was inebriated, you know,
so they suggested 12 steps.
And I'm like, I know I made it
farther than that man.
(audience laughing)
That's like 40 feet tops if you're
taking big steps.
All right, you guys seem to be
a little bit of a math crowd,
and I've got a math joke,
and it's a timely one if I do
say so myself
because we're going back to
Standard Time tomorrow.
I like daylight savings time
better, you guys.
I do.
But you know how they say you gain
an hour when we set the clocks back?
That's not really true.
But I came up with a plan
where you really do gain an hour,
and it's called daylight driving
time, and here's how it works.
You drive 95 miles an hour
in a 65-mile-an-hour zone
for 205 miles--
you have picked up an hour.
That's the good news.
The bad news is you're in Wyoming
but, you know.
You're an hour ahead.
But I do go for a lot of walks,
and I've walked around this town
today, you know, Provo,
and it's very nice here.
But this happens to me wherever I go,
you guys, whether it's a city
or town, whatever, at least once
during the weekend, a car
will slow down and yell at me.
Not the cars themselves, but I mean
people in the cars.
And what they yell 99 times
out of 100 is get a job.
(audience laughing)
That was funny over there.
That's good.
No, but, you know,
I thought about it.
It's like I have a job.
I support comedy clubs, restaurants,
airlines wherever I go.
So now when a car slows down
and yells get a job,
I start running alongside the car,
and I look over, and I'm like,
"but I have a job."
And it freaks out the driver.
(audience laughing)
He's like, it's not supposed
to happen like this.
I'm supposed to yell at the weirdo,
and he's supposed to go back
in the alley.
How is he running 40 miles an hour?
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you, I can run 40 miles
an hour because I'm a bodybuilder.
And-- yeah, thanks.
You should see me when
I'm all oiled up.
(audience laughing)
But I am.
I'm a bodybuilder, and I am selling
a workout tape after this.
It's an audio,
so I don't know if you have
a cassette deck, but if you do,
you can have a body like mine,
and I'm not going to lie.
It's 8 cassette series,
so there's a lot of work on there.
But there's some downtime on some
of those cassettes.
It's just me going hey, let's rest
for a while.
(audience laughing)
This is only tape one.
(audience laughing)
Tape two,
we're looking for a lighter
the whole tape, so that's cardio.
(audience laughing)
Man, I really like where
you guys laugh.
Sometimes you're there,
and other times like no.