Listen carefully and see if you can detect what these two examples have in common:
The color scheme for the new web design is spot on, but the layout feels crowded. You’re
a skilled designer, so we’re confident you can fix that.
This hummus tastes delicious, but you added too much cumin. You’re on your way to becoming
a hummus pro. Okay, did you catch the pattern?
Looks like someone is serving up some compliment sandwiches! Yum yum.
Compliment sandwiches represent a single piece of criticism “sandwiched” between two
flimsy compliments. They are supposed to soften the blow of criticism.
The problem with compliment sandwiches is that everything but the filling gets ignored.
As soon as the “but” is uttered, the listener knows criticism is coming, and that is all
they will remember from the interaction. Sounds like there’s room for improvement
here… In this lesson, we’re going to throw those
moldy compliment sandwiches in the trash and explore a better way to give constructive
criticism.
What’s up Explearners. Mary Daphne here of explearning.co where we believe social
skills are the key to the Good Life. What’s the Good Life? It’s where you call the shots,
you have a crew you can count on, and you’re on a mission you care about.
Before I jump in, I wanted to tell you about a great free resource we’ve created for
the Explearning community. It’s a comprehensive small talk guide. If you find yourself grasping
at thin air when you’re in unfamiliar social situations, then our small talk guide is for
you! Click the link in the description box below to get the downloadable delivered to
your inbox. Now that the compliment sandwich has been
disposed of, you’re probably looking for a new way to give constructive criticism in
a polite way. Before we go any further, I should highlight
the “constructive” nature of this criticism. When criticism is constructive, that means
the focus is on helping the recipient improve, rather than on the recipient’s faults.
Constructive criticism is feedback that, when delivered properly, should leave the recipient
feeling excited about an opportunity to do better.
Now, for a lot of us, criticism is tough to deliver, and even tougher to receive. Even
when that criticism is constructive. Fortunately, the method I’m about to introduce
helps streamline the process. The method is called the “velvet hammer”.
This is a term coined by Joy Baldridge, author of The Joy in Business: Innovative Ideas to
Find Positivity (and Profit) In Your Daily Work Life.
Baldridge highlights the fact that words carry a lot of meaning and power, so we must choose
our words wisely. Once uttered, you can’t unsay what’s been said.
Because of this, it’s especially critical that we pay careful attention when giving
feedback and criticism. As Baldridge says, “When you communicate something to somebody,
it’s irreversible and irretrievable.” So, it’s all up to you, dear critic, to
choose the right words, lest you offend your recipient. No pressure though.
But don’t despair, because Baldridge’s velvet hammer method provides a formula that
you can follow to really “hit the nail on the head”.
Let’s take a look: Step 1
Start by asking them for a minute of their time, informing them that you need their help.
This looks like: 1. Hey Jeff, got five minutes? Awesome. I
could use your help. 2. Got a minute, Teresa? Great, it shouldn’t
take long. I’d love a hand with something. By initiating the process with a simple request
for help, you immediately put them at ease. You are implying they are capable of something
that you are not. This sets a friendly and collaborative tone and it makes them feel
useful and capable. Now, you’re probably wondering: what on
earth do you need their help with? It’s their problem, not yours!
Well, think again. If you care enough to offer criticism, then it’s also your problem.
And that’s why you need their help. You will need their help in fixing something they
did or didn’t do – whatever it is that you plan to offer constructive criticism about.
And you need their help with this because you can’t change it for them. The change
comes from within them. This could apply to any variety of behaviors
that need fixing. Examples include arriving late to meetings, falling behind on important
deliverables, or submitting unpolished work. But the behaviors could also be and often
are, communication-related. This includes issues like inattentive listening, uncollaborative
language, or unprofessional diction. Step 2
Ok, so we’ve asked them for help. Once they’ve agreed, here’s what you say
next: “I’ve noticed quite a few typos in your
recent client reports, [PAUSE]. I was wondering what’s causing this problem, [PAUSE]. I’m
concerned it will give our clients the impression that we don’t care about them. What do you
suggest we do?” Pay close attention to the structure here:
1) You state the problem 2) You explain why it is important to you
3) You invite the recipient to offer a solution. By stating the problem clearly at the outset,
you avoid any confusion as to what is being discussed. This is very important.
After that, you provide a clear justification for why it matters. This proves you aren’t
just nitpicking. It offers a valid motivation for approaching them.
Finally, instead of telling them what to do about it, you give them agency over finding
a solution, while also indicating that you are there as a thought partner to help solve
this with them. This is critical because it invests the recipient in fixing the problem
without you coming across as domineering or combative.
When executed correctly, the recipient will be grateful for your feedback and eager to
make amends. ----
Alrighty, there you have it. In one fell swoop, we’ve replaced the compliment sandwich with
the velvet hammer. Let’s briefly recap:
- Ensure that your feedback is constructive, oriented toward improvement rather than faults
- Initiate the process with a request for help
- Deliver your feedback clearly, explaining why it is important to you
- Invite them to join you in coming up with a solution
Providing constructive feedback is a fundamental communication skill to have. And, as with
most topics we discuss, it’s not reserved only for those in managerial roles or for
the workplace. Think about it, we give constructive criticism
to friends, family, and anyone else we interact with on a daily basis.
It pays lifetime dividends to get good at it.
The velvet hammer packs a firm punch, but it does so in a softer way. It emphasizes
that you have the recipients’ best interests at heart. And it says you’re there to help
them fix things. Now I encourage you to practice this at home
first. Try giving this criticism to an imaginary person. Then get a friend to role-play it
with you (and as a bonus, they’ll learn the skill as well!) You can even film the
interaction so that you can analyze your word choice, pacing, and intonation. Remember,
you’re going for a thoughtful, collaborative, and open-minded approach here.
The end result is an efficient, polite, and collaborative way of delivering constructive
criticism. Not bad, eh?
So now that I've shared our thoughts, I would love to hear about your experiences with constructive
criticism – giving and receiving. Where did you encounter it and how did it make you
feel? What strategies can you think of to give constructive criticism? Share that with
me and the Explearning community in the comments below.
And, if you loved this lesson, please be sure to let me know. You can give this video a
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And remember, the writeup of these lessons are always available on our blog at explearning.co/blog.
With that, have an awesome week, Explearners. Thank you so much for joining me and I’ll
see you next time for your next Explearning lesson.
Happy Explearning ⚡