(sighs)
(beep)
(groans)
- Hi, I'm Kelsey, and I'm pretty fucked up.
Like every other human,
I have a lot of shit going on in my life.
I live with a chronic pain disorder,
have anxiety and depression, adult ADHD.
I have a full time job in the entertainment industry.
Not to mention just whatever else
life happens to be throwing at me that week.
Recently I've been reading into yoga,
meditation and mindfulness.
There are many descriptions of mindfulness.
In general, though, it's a conscious effort
to be completely present.
To set aside worries, expectations and other thoughts,
and emotion, and be fully aware of the current mood.
That comes from this paper I'm reading.
Millennials are the most stressed out generation in America.
That's people ages 18-35.
With Gen X, the generation behind us,
coming in at a close second.
Right now the way that I cope with stress,
I actually try and make my brain busier.
I'm always scrolling on my phone.
However, our generation has a really hard time,
not only turning off our phones,
but also turning off our minds.
So there's this device called the Muse Headband.
Muse is a brain-sensing headband,
that's supposed to elevate
your meditation experience.
It gently guides your meditation
through changing sounds of weather,
based on real-time state of your brain.
This thing actually reads my brain waves.
It'll play thunder to replicate the noise
that's happening in my brain,
so that it'll alert me, so I can try and bring
myself back to a more present and meditative state.
Fuckin' science.
So I'm supposed to put it on,
supposed to be really super still.
(chime)
- [Phone] For this calibration,
find a comfortable position and close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
Let go of any tension you might be holding
in your face and jaw.
Muse is now listening to your brain signals.
Calibration paused due to a drop in signal quality.
- Uh-oh.
- [Phone] After all, it's tempting see distractions
as something you don't want,
but this attitude sets you up for disappointment.
Distractions are a fundamental part of the process.
- Okay.
(comical music)
I'm gonna test something, I have a minute left.
I'm gonna start just working on my computer.
Totally not being present, and see if the noise goes up,
or if that actually calms me.
Yep, boom.
See?
I'm already just on Twitter,
and it's making the noise go up.
What I did learn from that session,
was apparently birds equal good.
Storm, thunder, equals bad.
(buzzer)
Whoa, excuse me, I just had a anxiety burp.
(buzzer)
Just as I expected, just tons of peaks.
Quick little tiny valleys,
and then just back to stressed out.
Couldn't get comfortable, really.
And I'm an overachiever, so the fact that I wasn't
getting a bunch of frickin' birds, really pissed me off.
I just don't know what the fuck
is gonna make me good at this.
Also, I've had one glass of wine.
Two, make that two.
(buzzer)
I was even worse.
Oh my, I look naked, I swear I'm not.
It can feel like it's training a puppy.
Like, of course the first time you do it,
the puppy's gonna run away.
But eventually it keeps hittin' that fucker down
and making it stay, it'll learn how to stay.
So, I'm basically saying I'm a puppy.
(buzzer)
Okay, so it's night something.
And I'm super tipsy.
I have my retainers in.
Yeah, this is like the catalyst in the situation.
I'm gonna see what happens when I meditate very drunk.
Wow, so it turns out I had the least amount of calm.
And then I feel asleep, actually, at the end.
I got something out of it.
Let's practice.
(snort)
God damn it, I don't want to do this.
I've got a sinus infection.
I just haven't been taking care of myself lately.
It's like maybe meditating at night isn't my fuckin' thing.
This is definitely a workout.
If you don't do it for a couple days, then you lose it.
So I definitely feel a lot calmer.
What I love about the app is this lady's soothing voice,
that just is giving gentle reminders.
Whereas I feel like my own voice in my head,
can be very harsh and sort of punishing.
And it's not great when I'm trying
to do something that's healing a loving for myself.
(chimes)
(upbeat music)
Good morning, it's 7 a.m. and I'm already pissed off.
I didn't sleep very well, I'm having a lot of pain.
I just had like crazy-ass dreams.
So I'm gonna go ahead and try and meditate this morning.
Sitting on my floor, 'cause I realized laying down
maybe isn't the best way to do it.
Because I feel like maybe my shoulders
already talking about like that.
There's something peaceful as fuck about the morning.
So I just hit a milestone,
that this was the calmest session.
As soon as I went in, I heard the city,
I started hearing birds as fuck.
I heard so many fucking birds.
What I love about this app is that it also gives you tips.
So I've been really focusing on the breath.
So even if I was thinking about something else,
as long as I kept my breathing normal ...
(sighs)
(chimes)
You know, there's something I'm learning about anxiety,
especially as someone with an anxiety disorder,
that anxiety is always gonna be there.
Like, everyone has anxiety,
even the fucking Dalai Lama has anxiety.
It's just about learning how to manage it,
and not let it take over you.
And even if it does take over you,
how to do things like this
to bring yourself back down from it.
(upbeat music)
Well, we made it.
It's day 30, it's early.
50 percent 6 calm.
I mean, hell.
(bings)
Is a lot better than when I started at 11% calm.
That's math here, that's math.
Having this time to really practice mindfulness has ...
God damn it, it's fucking changed me.
I hated many of you and this shit works!
It's not about doing yoga, or even meditating, really.
Or clean eating.
It genuinely is just about helping take back control
of my anxiety, by not thinking too much about the future,
not thinking about too much in the past.
But totally just living right now.
I mean, that's what anxiety is.
It's me thinking too much about the shit
I'm gonna have to do, or shit I haven't done yet.
And yes, it was a fucking struggle to begin with,
but it doesn't matter if I'm bad at it.
Just doing it is enough.
And people with anxiety know,
if there's one thing someone could tell you,
or one magic pill you could take, you'd fucking do it.
But this isn't that, but it's pretty damn close for me.
Shit, that worth it to me.
Wait, should I call this show Worth It?
Seems like a good idea.
(upbeat music)