In 2007, a Scottish court case hit the headlines causing a ripple effect world wide. A seemingly
inconsequential tale about an insignificant man. It should have been quickly forgotten.
Instead it became the topic of heated debate from the UK to America and beyond.
Hello Mister X!
You may have heard his name or seen photographs of this man, but for our purposes he will
remain anonymous. We shall just call him, 'Mister X'.
In fact, let's imagine the story unfolding in another world entirely.
Imagine a small hostile in a small town.
A small town a lot like here.
[Bell dings]
- Mhm? [Mister X groans]
- Hmm...
Now this is quite a predicament Mister X. Needless to say, the cleaners wasted no time
before relating these events to their manager, who immediately called the police.
Mister X was promptly arrested.
Which brings us here, to a sheriff court in a small town.
A small town a lot like here.
Mister X stands accused of sexually aggravated breach of the peace.
The prosecution described events at the crime scene thus:
"The cleaners observed the accused wearing
a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down. The accused was holding a bike and moving
his hips back and forth. When they walked into the room the accused just said "What
"What is it, hen?
Let's digress for just a moment
to consider the heinous criminal act of which Mister X is accused.
How exactly do you go about having sex with a bicycle?
- I was thinking the rubber on the handle bars, that's how I would do it [laughs]
That's disgusting, so.
Anyway, handlebars, just like a metal frame, grips, the metal frames- I don't know.
- It's hard to imagine a part of a bike that doesn't chafe or there isn't
something metal sticking out, so...
My- what I personally, theoretically, go for first, would be maybe something
to do with the saddle, ah... since that's the only really soft bit.
So many underneath the saddle?
That's got springs as well. - Well take the saddle off, or?
- No, just leave it on, just take from behind.
- Then you've got the inner tubes, I don't know.
- Of the tire? - Who knows.
- Interesting [laughs] - Use the imagination.
- Perhaps something with the spokes, I- I don't know.
I think it would all be sore, I mean, I know a lot
of guys who love their bikes but never in the sort of Biblical sense of things.
The only thing I can think of would maybe be, something to do with the saddle, perhaps?
Well there's a tube here, obviously it would have to be a bike with oversized tubing, ehm...
but... it would be very uncomfortable, I would imagine.
- But back to the case in hand. It's time for sentencing.
The court sheriff observed: - "In almost four decades in the law, I thought
I had come across every perversion known to man kind, but this one's a new one on me.
I've never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."
- Mister X was sentenced to three years on probation.
Because there was a sexual aspect to the charge, Mister X was also placed on
the register of sex offenders for three years. That's three years during which every time
Mister X applies for a job or a visa or a passport, his status as a registered sex offender
will be flagged up. Mister X has paid quite a price. It would seem in Scotland, what you
do in the privacy of your own room doesn't always stay private.
[Simultaneous singing]
Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle!
I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle, bicycle!
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike,
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like.