- Les, thanks for being here.
- Always good to be with you, girl.
- Always fun.
- Super fun.
- We're usually on the road.
- I was going to say, we've been out changing the world,
trying to help people in their married life
with their money, right?
- I know, it's been good, it's been good.
Okay, question for you.
This episode is all about insecurities,
and how our insecurities can sometimes cause--
- I'm probably not qualified to talk about this.
(laughing)
I feel very insecure about this question so.
(laughing)
- Speak out of your own experience.
- Yes I can actually,
we all have insecurities, right?
- Yes, I know, totally.
- Nobody's immune, I mean,
that's just a part of life.
But yeah, how does that impact--
- Marriage?
Because you're the marriage expert,
so like when you're counseling couples
or teaching or studying on the subject,
how do you see that affect marriage?
- Well you've heard me say this so many times,
but it's worth repeating in my mind,
because your marriage, really any relationship,
but your marriage can only be as healthy as you are.
- Yeah.
- If you want to eradicate insecurity,
you've got to get a lock on, what I call,
your profound significance.
And it's, you know, if we don't get a lock on that,
we are continually trying to find our significance
in places that won't ever give it to us.
So, insecurities, that's why I love
this show that you're doing,
it's so vital to so many things in our lives,
but certainly when it comes to marriage,
you just can't have a healthy relationship
until you get a handle on that.
And like I said, for me, it comes down to understanding
that God loves you like nobody else could ever love you.
- Yes.
Which is so crucial because I'm like,
you have two imperfect people,
coming into a relationship, right?
And so, having that foundation,
that healthiness is so huge.
So I'm just curious, off the top of your head,
what are the top insecurities you see
with women and also then with men?
Like, are they different, but, like,
as a psychologist, a doctor if you will.
- As you called me once, a real doctor.
- I know, one time I was like,
Les, it's not like you're a doctor or something.
And then I was like, oh no, you are.
(laughing)
You're Dr. Les Parrott.
(laughing)
- Just went to graduate school for eight years. That's all.
- No big deal.
- But, for women this is no surprise,
but it's body image, right?
The biggest insecurities,
and there's been dramatic studies on that,
even with supermodels.
It just seems like a thing.
And guys often feel,
they can suffer from body image stuff, too,
but not to the same degree,
but it's usually, what's my worth?
What am I providing? You know,
those are the big insecurities.
The big gender difference.
- Yes, totally. So we talk a lot about comparison on this show,
and comparison fuels insecurity
because you have this measuring stick
that you feel like you're not measuring up to
what you're seeing on social media.
But do you see comparisons affecting marriages?
- Oh, all the time.
And the more insecure you are,
the more comparisons there are.
And you think about it,
think about the healthiest people you know
that don't suffer from too much insecurity,
they're not looking around and, "Oh man,
I wish we were more like this or more like those people,
or we had that, or we got that vacation, or whatever."
And that's why I love this book,
it happens to be here on your own set.
- Oh, what's that Les?
- No, we didn't plan this,
but you know, this is so true, "Love Your Life, Not Theirs,"
that's all about, if you think about it,
it's about stepping outside of that insecure lifestyle
so that you can be comfortable and content
in who you are in a relationship.
That's, the happiest people on this planet
are content because they don't think,
"Man I wish I could be more like them,
or have more of that, or have that house,
or have that boat, or whatever,"
and so the comparison thing,
you're just asking for trouble,
you're playing with fire when it comes to comparisons.
- Totally, and a lot of comparison happens on social media,
so what would you say to one couple
that maybe they're fighting about social media,
and one couple spends,
or one spouse spends so much time on social media,
and the other doesn't.
- So I just read this study that shows that couples
that are the happiest,
have incredibly thick boundaries around social media.
- Interesting.
- Yes.
And so--
- Winston Cruze will be very happy
we're talking about this right now.
- And it's not just putting boundaries around,
oh we need rules,
and I don't mean kind of boundaries like that,
it's you find your groove with it in a way
that honors your spouse,
so they don't feel like
I'm playing second fiddle in this relationship,
because she or he's really married
to that phone and all that social media.
- So you talk a lot about fighting well,
like having a good fight, and so I love that
because some couples believe,
oh well we never fight so we have a great marriage,
where that's kind of the opposite,
that means you're probably not really digging in,
so talk about conflict, I just want to know,
conflict in general, your thoughts on it.
- Yes, so conflict is so important
because, as you've heard me say it so many times,
it's the price we pay for a better connection,
it's the admission to a good relationship.
- So good.
Conflict is the price you pay for intimacy.
- Exactly.
- It's like what I've heard you say
I'm like, oh, it's so good, that's such a good quote.
- It's true because the goal is not to avoid conflict,
if you do that, you're going to walk around on eggshells,
and nobody's going to be genuine with each other.
The goal is to be able to express
whatever it is that you're not in agreement with,
or what have you,
and still honor your spouse,
and be understood and understanding.
And those kinds of fights are good.
- Yeah, so good, oh that's so interesting.
So we'll end by this, I'm just curious,
as we were doing these questions for you, I was like,
oh I just want to know, so it's more out of my curiosity,
what are the top three things
that create a healthy marriage?
- Well, one is awareness.
I think there's this idea that
you can just kind of float through life
and you're just in love and that's all you need.
No no no,
you've got to be aware of the emotional landscape
around you, which involves you and this other person,
and that awareness, and by the way,
you know we have an assessment,
it's called Better Love,
that is all about creating awareness for couples.
- So good, Winston and I took it,
it's awesome.
- Betterlove.com, you go online,
you answer a few questions, generates this little 10-page
report that is really a customized road map
for your relationship.
And so anyway, I think awareness
has got to be near the top of the list for me.
A second is empathy.
Seeing the world from somebody else's perspective,
and vice versa,
and when you have two people that are both working on that,
life doesn't get much sweeter.
- Yeah, it's good.
- So, awareness and empathy,
and then old faithful, communication.
How in the world do you have a good relationship
without having great conversations?
- So good.
- [Les] That's the challenge.
- Les, thanks for coming on.
- Good to be with you.
- Always a pleasure.
- As always.
- So fun.
Okay, we've been talking about our event,
Money & Marriage you guys,
it's a blast.
- I know.
And I'm excited because Valentine's,
we're going to do this again,
right here in Nashville, Money & Marriage,
talk about an ideal Valentine date for couples,
it's going to be a blast.
- I know you guys,
so we'll put a link in the show notes,
click on it, because it's like Valentine's weekend,
and there's going to be a whole weekend experience
here in Nashville, a whole thing,
so make sure to check it out.
He talks marriage. I talk money.
It's a fun event.
It's great, it's great.
Les, thanks again.
- All right, thank you.
(closing music)