- "Hey, Marisa.
"I don't understand why my boyfriend
"never tells me I'm pretty.
"He never tells me I'm beautiful.
"He never compliments my appearance,
"even when I have made a huge effort to look nice for him.
"Why is that? I don't understand."
Well, I have another question for you,
I don't understand why you haven't asked him.
If you're with someone and you're sharing a life,
you can say,
"Hey, why do you never tell me I look good?
"Why do you never say I'm beautiful or sexy
"or gorgeous? I need to hear those words
"and I wonder why you never tell me."
He may say,
"Oh, you know,
"I really wanted you to feel that I love you for you.
"It's not about looks. My last girlfriend hated that
"and that's why I do that with you."
But, you see, you're in a relationship with someone,
your job is to tell them what you need.
Your job is to say,
"Hey, I put on this lovely dress for you,
"I wore these heels for you,
"I put on this lingerie for you, what do you think?
"Do I look nice?"
And he'll say, "Yes." I do that, I go, "What do I look like?"
He goes, "Lovely."
I say, "You didn't even look,
"lift your head up from the phone."
And we joke about that.
And I'll say to him, "Tell me why you love me.
"Tell me what you like about me."
And he makes little lists.
And if he says physical things, I'm like, "Oh, is that it?
"It's just about what I look like?"
And he goes, "Oh, you're doing that on purpose.
"I can't remember."
It's like a joke.
I like him to tell me that I look nice.
I like him to notice I'm getting dressed for him.
But then if he always said,
"Oh, I love your figure. I love your hair."
I'd think, "Oh."
I remember, years ago, when I was 18,
my first boyfriend was sitting in a car, and he was saying,
"I love your hair, I love your eyes, I love your legs."
And I thought, "Oh, he doesn't love me. He just loves the way I look."
And I went and said to my mom,
"You know, Mom, I don't have a personality.
"This boyfriend only talks about what I look like."
She says, "Of course you have a personality,
"you've got a very strong character."
"But he never says that. He just talks about my looks."
We were 18.
But she made me understand that I was picking up something.
And it could be that your boyfriend wants you to know
that he loves your very soul, he loves your character.
My father's second wife was very ill
one day, she got food poisoning.
He said, "I'm coming."
She said, "Don't come, do not come.
"I don't want you to see me looking like this."
He said, "I don't care what you look like. You're sick.
"I want to hold your hair up.
"I want to wash your face with a flannel, I love you.
"I don't care what you look like."
And there are people who are really anxious
about talking about looks.
And maybe your boyfriend is one of those.
Maybe he comes from a family where he's been trained
not to do that, but you will never know until you ask him.
And don't say, "Why don't you say I'm pretty?
"Why don't you say I'm beautiful?"
Say, "Hey, you know what I'd love?
"I would love to hear that you think I'm beautiful.
"I have a great need,
"it's a woman's greatest, need to feel desired.
"I need to feel that you desire me."
And sometimes, I say to my husband,
"Hey, how can I be a better wife for you?"
And he'll say, "You can do this and this."
And I go, "Okay, and this is how you can be
"a better husband for me;
"I want you to not walk around the street
"looking at your phone, I want you to look at me."
So my way of getting him to be a better husband
is to volunteer, "Hey, how can I be a better wife?"
And he'll tell me.
He doesn't like it when I walk ahead of him in an airport
or in a store.
I like to walk really fast, he likes to walk really slow.
And he'll say, "I want you to slow down and walk next to me."
So we have this little thing.
So you could start by going,
"Hey, how can I be a better girlfriend to you?
"What can I do to be a better girlfriend, a better partner?"
He'll think of something, I promise you.
And then say, "Wow, thank you so much,
"I'm going to do that.
"And here's how you can be a better partner to me,
"you can tell me I'm beautiful, I need that,
"I need to hear that.
"I need to feel that you desire me,
"that you find me desirable, that you find me sexually attractive.
"It's very important to me that I hear that I'm attractive,
"that you find me beautiful.
"I'd like you to say that."
Be honest, you know,
the quality of your relationship
is the quality of your communication.
So if you don't communicate your needs,
how can he meet them?
Say, "I need this.
"This is very important to me,
"even if it's not important to you, I need it.
"I need to hear it."
And if you tell him what you need,
I promise you, he'll do it, because part of loving someone
is finding out their needs and meeting them.
Even if those needs are not important.
My husband has a need,
he really wants us to watch the same show together.
When I'm watching a show,
I look at my phone, I do other stuff,
and sometimes I don't want to watch it.
He's like, "Why don't you watch it?"
"No." It's his need that we watch it together.
So I find stuff we like and I put my phone away.
It doesn't matter, but it really matters to him.
And that's part of caring about someone.
They have a need that's different to my need,
but I need to meet their need because I love them.
And they need to meet my need because they love me.
The quality of your relationship
is down to the quality of you telling him what you need,
he's not psychic.
You haven't dated a clairvoyant. He can't give you
what you want until you tell him what you want.
When you tell him, not in a huge way,
"You never, you always, you don't make me feel...,"
but rather, "Hey, I know you care about me,
"I know you love me, and I know that you want me to feel sexy
"and desirable and pretty. I know you must want that for me.
"So I need you to tell me."
I've told you this story before,
my husband will sometimes go to bed,
he'd just get up and go to bed.
And we have lots of different doors in our house.
So I say, "Hey, you know, I know you love me,
"and I know that you love protecting me,
"but when you get up and go to bed
"and leave all the doors unlocked, I feel unprotected.
"But when you lock all the doors,
"I feel, 'Wow, there's my husband looking after me.'"
He went, "I'll lock all the doors, that's my job."
It isn't his job.
And now, every night, he locks all the doors and says,
"There you go, I'm protecting you,"
and I love that.
But you know how it worked?
I didn't go, "Hey, when you go to bed at night
"and leave all the doors unlocked,
"I feel you don't care about me.
"You don't care about me
"because you don't even lock the doors."
I started with, "I know you care about me,
"I know you love me,
"I know you want me to feel protected, and when you don't lock the doors,
"I don't feel protected.
"When you do, I feel, 'There's my guy, looking after me.'"
Now, he does it every night,
because I came at it so nicely.
And you can do, "I know you love me,
"I know you want me to feel sexy and desirable and beautiful.
"I need you to tell me. And when you tell me,
"this is what will work for me."
So tell him, be honest, do it nicely.
Remember the sandwich and you'll get what you want,
because you can't get it if you don't express it.
Let me know how you get on
and I'm excited for you.
Sending you lots of love.