YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME OVER THERE MELTING DOWN THE
BIGGEST, FATTEST NUGGETS OF NEWS GOLD TO FASHION YOU THE FINELY
CRAFTED COMEDY TIARA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO GATHER UP SOME LOOSE BEADS, SEA
SHELLS, SOME OLD BITS OF LEGO AND MACARONI, A LITTLE BRIGHTLY
COLORED YARN, AND THROW TOGETHER THE DOLLAR STORE FRIENDSHIP
BRACELET OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE."
AMAZING.
NEVER FAILS.
NEVER FAILS!
IT'S LIKE IT'S AUTOMATIC.
MEANWHILE, LEBRON JAMES RECENTLY FILED A TRADEMARK FOR THE TERM
"TACO TUESDAY," APPARENTLY BECAUSE "HIS AFFINITY FOR TACOS
IS WELL KNOWN, AS HE OFTEN POSTS TACO TUESDAY ON INSTAGRAM."
LeBRON, YOU KNOW I RESPECT YOU,
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE SOMETHING AND DO IT A LOT
DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN TRADEMARK IT.
OTHERWISE, I WOULD OWN THE RIGHTS TO THE PHRASE: "IT'S
BOURBON O'CLOCK."
WHOOPS, IT'S ALREADY TEN PAST BOURBON O'CLOCK.
( APPLAUSE )
CONSTANTLY DRINKING BOURBON.
( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEW MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT:
♪ POPE IN AN ELEVATOR ♪ AND WHY IS IT TIME FOR
♪ POPE IN AN ELEVATOR ♪ BECAUSE THE POPE GOT STUCK IN AN
ELEVATOR.
I'M SURPRISED THEY DON'T GET STUCK MORE OFTEN, GIVEN HOW
HEAVY THE ELEVATORS ARE AT THE VATICAN.
"FOURTH FLOOR, PIETAS AND ABSOLUTIONS."
( LAUGHTER )
NO.
THANK YOU, NO.
( APPLAUSE )
AND IT WAS HARROWING.
BEFORE BEING RESCUED, THE POPE WAS TRAPPED FOR 25 MINUTES.
THAT IS LONG ENOUGH TO RATTLE YOU.
"DEAR GOD, IF YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE, I PROMISE TO PRAY EVERY
DAY.
I KNOW I HAVEN'T ALWAYS BEEN THE BEST CATHOLIC."
THIS STALLED ELEVATOR IS WHYN AN EMERGENCY YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, A MAN WAS ARRESTED IN SINGAPORE'S CHANGI
AIRPORT FOR BUYING A TICKET JUST TO WAVE HIS WIFE OFF AT THE
GATE.
IT EXPLAINS THEIR MOTTO: "CHANGI AIRPORT: WE HATE LOVE."
NOW, IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH CHANGI AIRPORT, IT'S FAMOUSLY
BEAUTIFUL.
IT HAS "AN ONSITE BUTTERFLY DOME, A 40-METER WATERFALL, AND
ONE OF ASIA'S LARGEST INDOOR GARDENS."
HEY, WE HAVE GREAT STUFF AT OUR AIRPORTS, TOO.
I WILL REMIND YOU THAT THE AUNT ANNE'S AT LAGUARDIA'S
TERMINAL B IS SOMETIMES NOT BEING CITED FOR HEALTH
VIOLATIONS.
SOMETIMES.
CHANGI AIRPORT ALSO HAS "A 14,000-SQUARE-METER CANOPY PARK,
COMPLETE WITH A SUSPENSION BRIDGE, TOPIARY, AND MAZES"
JUST WHAT I WANT AT AN AIRPORT: MAZES.
"HURRY UP AND GET IN THE CAR, KIDS.
THE AIRLINE SAYS WE NEED TO GET THERE TWO DAYS BEFORE OUR
FLIGHT!" MEANWHILE, A CATHOLIC SCHOOL IN
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, HAS BANNED THE "HARRY POTTER" SERIES
BECAUSE A REVEREND AT THE SCHOOL CLAIMS THE BOOKS INCLUDE SPELLS
WHICH, IF READ BY A HUMAN, CAN CONJURE "EVIL SPIRITS."
WELL, THAT'S ABSURD.
IF J.K. ROWLING COULD CRAFT ACTUAL MAGIC SPELLS, SHE WOULD
HAVE MADE "THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD" A BETTER MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO WITH-- COME ON.
COME ON!
SO WITH HARRY POTTER GONE FROM THE LIBRARY-- I GUESS THOSE
TENNESSEE SCHOOL KIDS WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE MAGIC OF JUDY
BLUME.
"EXPECTO MENSTRUATION!"