Alright, this is a story about how I gave a homeless guy a ride to a prostitute
Now, how did I get myself in this predicament?
Well, sit back and relax, I'll tell you
So one winter night my fiance and I went out to dinner and we were on our way home
We pull onto our street and we see this old guy just trudging along in the freezing cold
He's going like 8 inches an hour with his little shitty walker
Now normally, I can stifle my guilt, I can just ignore the whole situation
And just drive right on past
You know, like the terrible person that I am
But my fiance's with me. She gives me that look like: Uhm, are you really that big of a piece of shit?
Are you really just gonna let this old man just die out here in the elements?
And I was like: Yeah, you're absolutely right
"Look, I'm not picking up some random guy in the steet, look at him over there"
"He looks.. Dangerous"
"Ahh, alright, Jesus Christ, I'll pick him up"
So I drop her off at the house, I pull up next to him
"Hey, Old Man River, you are gonna die out here! Do you need a ride home?"
"Man, I don't got no home. I'm homeless, God damn it!"
"Ah..Uhh..Okay. Well, do you want to ride somewhere?"
So he gets in the car, I'm a little suspicious of this guy
He's really dirty, he smells like a hangover
He kinda looks like a guy that probably has nothing to lose, you know what I'm saying?
He might have a knife in his pocket or a hand grenade under his shirt
Or something, I don't know
"Yeah, I just wanted to warn ya, I have a flamethrower in the trunk of my car"
"So no funny business"
"Hey, whatever, man, my name is Jon. J-O-N, Jon. There's no H"
"Uh, okay! Thanks for pointing that out for me. My name is Tyler. T-Y-L-E-R"
"There ain't no H in that either. We've got something in common I guess"
"Look, man, I just need a ride to my girlfriend's house."
"I'm trying to get some booty"
Uhh, alright. Well, this is already more than I bargained for, cool.
I'm over here just trying to be a nice person, saving this old man's life
And now I'm on a quest to get this homeless guy some booty. Perfect
Just take me over down LaGrange street real quick
Ah, that's great, LaGrange street. Let me tell you little something about LaGrange street
If you're in search for a prostitute and some smack. Well, you're in luck!
Because LaGrange street is the Disney World of prostitutes and smack
It's a dime a dozen out there because it's in a shitty part of town
And the farther you go down LaGrange street, the shittier it gets
You go down that street far enough, all of sudden you're looking around like: "Oh, shit!"
"How did I end up in Afghanistan? God damn it!"
So there I am, smack dab in the middle of the hood
Taking a homeless guy to see a prostitute
Just what I wanted to do with my Saturday night
There's like a bunch of a bandit buildings around us
I'm running over dead bodies with my car
"Man, this is a nice car! This is like a spaceship car!"
"Uh, well, it's a 2008 Ford Taurus, but sure, it's a spaceship car!"
"Hey, man, you got any money I can have?"
"Uh, no. I usually don't keep cash on me" *Lie
"Come on, man, I'm starving out here!"
"Look, John with no H, how about I stop somewhere and get you something to eat, how does that sound?"
So I pull in to a Wendy's
It's the shittiest Wendy's I've ever seen in my life!
Like even the Wendy's girl on the sign got like gang tattoos and shit
I'm in a drive-through, and before I can even start ordering
This dude just leans over and starts yelling out of the window
"Yeah, I need a four-piece nugget, double cheeseburger, large fry, another four-piece nugget.."
"Jesus Christ, Jon, get out of my face, your breath smells like a Denny's bathroom for Christ's Sake!"
This dude orders like $27 worth of Wendy's, because apparently he's The Very Hungry Homeless Guy
And he wants to become a goddamn butterfly
So I'm pretty pissed at this point. My opinion of Jon is rapidly declining
"Hey, you know, this friendship kinda seems a little one-sided, don't you think?"
"I'm over here giving you a ride and some Wendy's, what are you giving me?"
"Nothing. Maybe some bed bugs in my car, I don't even know"
So we pull out of Wendy's
And Jon's got the audacity to ask me for more money
"Dude, are you sure you don't got any money I can have?"
"God damn it, Jon, I just told you I don't have any cash on me!"
"And you probably just overdrafted my checking account in your smorgasbord of Wendy's food!"
"Well, can you go to an ATM or something?"
"I'm not going to an ATM, are you smoking crack?!"
"I don't know, do you got some?"
"No, Jon, I don't have any crack"
"Because I must've smoked it all right before I decided to pick you up!"
"How about you pick up a couple bottles of wine? We can go and party at my girlfriend's house"
"Yeah, Jon, I'll get right on that!"
"*boop-boop-boop-boop*, Honey, I'm gonna be a little late"
"I'm gonna party with this homeless guy and his hooker girlfriend! See you later!"
Just show up there. "Hey, hooker lady, are you ready to party? We've got your favourite, wine and Wendy's!"
Because everybody knows, a nice pino noir pairs well with a four-piece nugget!
"No Jon, I'm not gonna go party with you and some lady of the night"
"Why not?!"
"Because that's the most insane shit I've ever heard of. That's why!"
"Are you serious? You have no teeth in your head, Jon. You have lupus, I'm pretty sure!"
And I was tempted to just kick him out of my car right then and there
But in the back of my mind I was just like: "You know what? Just do it"
"Just get him to where he needs to be"
So that when you die, you will be up there at the pearly gates, trying to get into Heaven
And Saint Peter's gonna be like:" Ugh, your resume looks like shit, you're not going into Heaven"
And I'll be like: "Yeah, well, what about that one time I got that homeless guy some booty?"
And then God's gonna pop up like: "Yeah, Peter, let him in, stop being a dick!"
So I just need to tough it out, do the right thing and drive this dirty old man to a prostitute
Well, now he starts getting a little pissy with me, because I'm not gonna give him any money
"Whatever then, I don't need your money, I got some money right here!"
"Hey, pull over to this liquor store, let me get some beer!"
"You just asked me for money!"
"Yeah, so what?"
"You have money!"
"Well, yeah, but I'd have more money if you game your money, dummy!"
"Alright, get out of my car!"
"Oh, hold on a goddamn minute!"
"Get out of my spaceship car, John with no H!
"No wonder, why you don't have an H in your name, Jon! You probably sold it for crack!"
"Well, how the hell am I supposed to get out of your car without my walker, you stupid ass?"
"GOD DAMN IT!"
"Here, take your walker and your goddamn Wendy's, good luck getting your booty!"
And I left him right there, right in the middle of Afghanistan
There's probably people driving by, wondering what the hell is going on
"Why is that man kicking that senior citizen out of his vehicle?"
"Sir, are you looking for a ride?"
"Ah, hell yeah!"
"My name's Jon. J-O-N. Jon. No H"
"Do you guys want to party? You got any crack in here?"
I went home. I'm so pissed
I barge through the door like:
"Hey, thanks for letting me be a homeless guy's booty chauffeur for an hour"
"Just drained my bank account by buying fifty thousand chicken nuggets"
"Next old guy we see out on the street, we're letting them die!"
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