Three, two, one...
I'm done with my shift, Mr. Krabs!
And let me just say there will come a day
when I will make something of my life and I will never have to set foot
in this grease trap again!
Yeah, we'll see you after your lunch break, Squidward.
OK.
[SpongeBob crying]
Another one?
Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!
Well, this one's on the house!
Squidward, can you scoot over a little?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, while you're at it, can you get me a glass of water?
OK, yeah, sure.
Yeah, this is a real swell place you got here.
Thanks, buddy.
You're welcome.
It's exactly as it used to be!
Here's the curtained windows!
Oh, Squidward, isn't this great?
I'm back forever!
[muffled] Forever?
Listen up! Gather around, everyone! Chop-chop!
Now, you may be thinking this is your one shot at the big time.
Well, it's not.
It's mine.
[clapping]
[clears throat]
Good evening and welcome
to the first annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show,
sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty,
because no one else would give it a home.
[laughing]
Ah, thank you!
[clapping]
[classical music starts playing]
[birds chirping]
[psychedelic music starts playing]
What the...?
[booing]
I'm losing money on this deal!
It's worth every penny.
[booing continues]
You bottom feeders!
You don't even know talent!
[crowd chanting] No talent! No talent! No talent!
La, la, la-la-la! La-la-la!
La-la-la! [crowd gasping]
SpongeBob!
Why have you stopped playing that wonderful music?
La-la...
This music touches me ever so...
I fear that my tears might stain my petticoat.
[cheering]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[echoing] Have you finished those errands?
Have you finished those errands?
[echoing] Errands, errands, errands.
Errands, errands.
Have you finished those errands?
No, I have not finished with those errands, and I never will be!
So quit checking up on me!
I know what you're up to!
Forcing me to come back here every time you mess up!
- But I haven't. - OK, maybe you haven't messed up yet,
but you will.
You will.
And when you do, I'll be there.
I'll be there!
[laughs hysterically]
Gosh, Squidward sure is a hard worker.
He makes me proud to wear these hats.
It's that stupid bubble of SpongeBob that's causing all the problems!
Who's with me?
Pop the bubble!
[clamoring]
Hey, everyone! Have you met my friend Bubble Buddy?
Yes.
Hey, is this one of those sewing circles?
[giggles]
No.
Oh-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho!
Hello? Yes, who's there?
Huh? Hello? Show yourself.
Ooh! Hello? Who is it?
I'm here, you dunce!
I mean, uh... Merry Christmas, little boy.
Ah! C-Could it be?
Yes, it is I, Santa Claus!
Ho-ho-ho--
[groaning]
Hey, you're...
[stuttering] S...
Sa...
Hey, uh, kid... Take it easy.
[stuttering] San... ta...
SpongeBob?
SpongeBob.
[indistinct chattering]
[crowd] Blah, blah, blah, blah.
[Squidward] People! People! Settle down!
OK, now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?
Do instruments of torture count?
No.
Is mayonnaise an instrument?
No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Squidward] Horseradish is not an instrument either.
That's fine. No one has any experience.
Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you.
[laughs]
All of you...
[keeps laughing]
Yeah... [coughs]
I'll go down in history!
Someday there will be a wing with my name on it
in all the museums of the world!
Dude, you're teaching art at the Rec Center.
Calm down.
Uncultured trash urchin.
OK, pay attention, SpongeBob.
Now we're gonna make picket signs.
This is a very important part of striking.
Like this, Squidward?
Not a picket fence, you ding-dong!
Picket sign!
How's this?
No, this is a picket sign.
"Krusty Krab unfair." Short, sweet and to the point.
How about this, Squidward?
SpongeBob, it's "unfair", not "funfair"!
A funfair? Where?
I could go for some fun!
At the Krusty Krab!
Hey, everybody, let's go to the funfair!
[clamoring]
Squidward!
- What? - What in Neptune's name is going on?
We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs.
What you're doing is throwing away me money!
I told you to rent only what's absolutely necessary!
This is all necessary.
Well, what's all this useless junk?
That's the useless junk for scene, uh... 28.
Oh, well, how do you explain that?
A second Krusty Krab?!
Mr. Krabs, everyone needs an understudy!
Well, you got me there.
Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in 20 minutes.
Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab
into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible.
Patrick, what are you doing here?
I thought the corp would help me straighten out my life, sir!
The corp? What the...?
Pat, this isn't the... Ugh!
OK, Snellie, let's show these common garden-variety snails
what superior breeding is all about.
Meow.
Woo-woo-woo-woo!
[spits food]
[meditating chant]
By the All-Seeing Eye, ye are worthy, we are not!
What are you two idiots doing?!
- Secret ritual. - To inaugurate you as president.
Me? President of Bikini Bottom?
I knew the people would come to their senses.
No, silly, not the president of Bikini Bottom.
- Even better. - Better?
You're the president of...
the Secret Royal Order of the Good Neighbor Lodge.
The what?
♪ I was the King's favorite fool I made merry mirth and laughter! ♪
♪ But I told one bad joke and the King had a stroke ♪
♪ Now I hang from ye olde rafter ♪
[presenter] Ladies and gentlefish...
Bikini Bottom's Community Rec Center is proud to present...
Squidward Tentacles.
Oh...!
[starts playing the flute]
Honey, I'm scared.
[plays the wrong note]
[keeps playing]
[murmuring]
[gasps]
[gasping]
Hi, Squidward.
Well, the submarine is safely inside you.
Wonderful.
Wait, if you're out here, then who's in here?
Well, why don't you take a look for yourself?
[screams]
SpongeBob and Patrick are piloting a miniature submarine inside my head.
SpongeBob and Patrick...
SpongeBob and...
[laughs nervously]
What can I get you, stranger?
Give me a shot.
Of milk.
- Milk? - Two percent.
Think you can handle it?
I drink this stuff every day.
Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes!
Get ready, Tapey.
[laughs]
Ah...
Ah!
Oh, yeah... Smooth.
Right.
Whoo! Let's rock!
- Yeah! - We're gonna be stars!
All right! Squidward, are you ready?
[plays a chord]
I'm ready!
[clears throat]
Good evening, students.
Now, our first--
[students] Good evening, professor.
Bikini Bottom Public Access presents...
Squidward Chat! With your host, Squidward Tentacles!
Greetings, I'm Squidward Tentacles, your host of Squidward Chat.
[TV] Today, on Squidward Chat,
we'll be discussing something near and dear to my heart:
underappreciated artists, like myself.
Oh, sweet sassafras!
Do mine eyes deceive me?
That was the greatest routine since the greatest thing
since sliced bread dancing routine!
Congratulations!
You got the gig.
Oh, baby, I knew it!
You won't be sorry you made this decision.
I don't think you'll be sorry either, because you'll be dancing in...
Squilliam's show!
[stuttering] Squ-squ-squ-squ... Ah!
Well, don't just stand there!
Get the sand out of your leotard and dance for me, nitwit.
[guitar music starts playing] Dance!
Not like that, kelp-for-brains!
You call that dancing?
Do it like this.
Here I go.
Who put you on the planet? Ugh!
Now, do it exactly as I did, and don't stop till you get it right!
And I don't care how long it takes!
[music keeps playing]
Stupid policeman, I'm no litter bug!
Hey! No more trash!
Looks like I'm done!
Here, you can have mine.
[sighs] Can things get any worse?
[Squilliam] Oh, of course they can!
Ah! Squilliam Fancyson! My arch foe from band class!
Stuck doing community service, eh? Court ordered?
No! I... um... I'm... volunteering!
Yeah, I'm cleaning up Bikini Bottom,
selflessly devoting my time to a worthy cause.
Hmm...
[sighs]
[struggles]
[honk]
[revving and braking]
Oh, I like this!
Ow!
Hey, I'm doing it! I'm blocking the acorns!
Yee-haw!
I told you all you had to do was know the movements of everyday
to master karate!
Hah-hah! I can't believe I did it!
Yeah, yeah! Now try this!
OK, OK! Hee-yah!
[laughs] I did it!
Hee-yah!
I can protect my groceries now!
Hee-yah!
I am a karate master!
And everybody knows that grownups never play with kids.
And on that note, I would like to personally commend the sea star
for taking his first baby steps into the adult world.
Facial hair is a good start, I suppose.
I am curious to know
what mature people, like Squidward, do.
- Won't you show me? - Show you?
Show me! Show me! Oh, please, please, please!
Pretty please! Pretty please!
[sighs]
I know I'm going to regret this.
- Alright, I will take on this mission. - Hurray!
In the hope that a quiet, grown-up neighborhood
will prevail at last,
moving me one step closer to peace and blessed tranquility.
- A place where at last I can-- - Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
What?!
May I tag along and observe your instruction?
Why in a million years would I let you tag along?
Because maybe some of your lessons in maturity will rub off on me,
bringing us two steps closer to a quiet, grown-up neighborhood!
Wow, that actually made sense.