-Thank you, everybody, for tuning in
and watching "The Tonight Show."
I appreciate it.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, today is September 17th.
I point that out 'cause, once again,
President Trump has contradicted one of his medical experts.
I didn't want you to think tonight's show was a rerun.
That's right, yesterday, the director of the CDC,
Robert Redfield, testified before Congress,
and he was asked when a COVID vaccine
would be available to the public.
Here's what he said.
-If you're asking me, when is it gonna be generally available
to the American public
so we can begin to take advantage of vaccine
to get back to our regular life,
I think we're probably looking at third -- late second quarter,
third quarter 2021.
-Trump's staff saw that and was like,
"Better put on another pot of coffee.
It's gonna be a long one tonight."
Meanwhile, Americans looked at their sweatpants and were like,
"Guess it's gonna be me and you, buddy, for a little while longer.
Here we go."
Let me put this in perspective for the Netflix generation.
By the time there's a vaccine, the students at Cobra Kai
will be older than Mr. Miyagi.
Later that day, Trump was asked
about Redfield's vaccine comments.
And check out what he said.
-I think he made a mistake when he said that.
It's just incorrect information.
And I called him, and he didn't tell me that,
and I think he got the message, maybe, confused.
-He got the message maybe confused.
Man, could Trump sound any more like a mob boss?
"Yeah, this guy Redfield, maybe he don't know so good.
Capisce?"
[ Laughter ]
Next he's gonna send Eric and Don Jr. with baseball bats
down to the CDC.
"It looks like you, uh, misremembered,
and maybe we can help jog your memory."
The head of the CDC was confused.
Trump was like, "The vaccine is right around the corner,
according to my experts Chuck Woolery and the My Pillow guy."
You know, as we speak, Dr. Redfield is being led
into the White House basement, where there's just a pullout couch
and Dr. Fauci.
At the same press conference,
Trump said something pretty shocking
about the number of COVID cases in the United States.
Listen to this.
-If you take the blue states out,
we're at a level
that I don't think anybody in the world would be at.
-"Also, if you don't count the racial tension and the economy,
it's been a pretty smooth six months.
Wouldn't you say?"
Then Trump was like, "And if you also take out the red states,
boom, we have no cases at all.
So, basically, no virus."
You can't just not count certain states.
That's like eating a salad for lunch,
a cheeseburger for dinner, then saying,
"If you don't count the burger, I'm vegan."
All this COVID stuff is so depressing.
Do we have any lighter Trump news?
-CNN has learned the Trump administration
considered using a heat ray
against protesters in Lafayette Park back in June.
The heat ray makes people feel like their skin is on fire.
-I'm sorry, what? A heat ray?
Who are his advisors, a bunch of minions stacked on top of each other?
Even Kim Jong-un was like, "That's pretty messed up, dude."
A heat ray. Apparently, Trump ripped out a page
of an X-Men comic and was like, "This."
But despite everything that's going on,
Trump spent the morning complaining about
Twitter's trending page.
Yeah, he believes trends are rigged against him.
I don't know about that, but I do think that, sometimes,
seeing a hashtag doesn't tell the whole story.
So, we decided to take a look at what's trending
and, more importantly, why.
I'll show you what I mean.
First up, Snuffleupagus was trending.
You may think it's 'cause of "Sesame Street's"
"Back to School" town hall.
But Snuffleupagus is actually trending
'cause it's how Trump kept pronouncing "Stephanopoulos."
Next up, cocaine was trending.
You may think it's 'cause a cocaine ring
was busted in Brooklyn.
But cocaine is actually trending 'cause
it's what Red Lobster uses for the salt rim
on their Dew-Garita.
[ Laughter ]
Up next, Emergen-C was trending.
You may think it's 'cause people are preparing for a second wave.
But Emergen-C is actually trending 'cause
it's what Trump's been using as makeup since the virus started.
And, finally, 10.9 inches was trending.
And you may think it's 'cause it's the size
of Apple's new iPad.
But 10.9 inches is actually trending 'cause of Chris Evans.
That --
I didn't even know -- I didn't even get to --
[ Cymbal crashes ]
[ Chuckles ]
"Maybe I could jog your memory a bit."
Toothpick.
-No.
-Check this out. Today, there's a pretty big announcement
from President Obama. Listen to this.
-Former President Barack Obama this morning announcing
that he will be releasing his Presidential memoir.
It will come in not one but two parts.
The first volume, "A Promised Land,"
will hit bookshelves on Tuesday, November 17th.
-Yeah, "A Promised Land" is the first of two volumes.
And get this -- volume one, this is real --
is 768 pages.
Wow.
Meanwhile, Trump already claimed he read both volumes last night
and it was "boring."
768 pages.
That's not a coffee table book. That's a coffee table.
768 pages. That's like my new book plus another 760 pages.
[ Laughter ]
I actually plan on buying both volumes
just in case I ever need to block myself from a heat ray.
The heat ray!
This is interesting. I saw that Amazon
has launched a new invite-only section of its site
called Luxury Stores.
That's nice. Now you can order a $5,000 Oscar de la Renta gown
and then have the package hurled over your fence.
Yeah, it's about time you can order a designer dress
that comes in the same box as your Ragu sauce
and Lucky Charms.
And finally, a bus passenger in the U.K. --
did you see this -- he came up with a pretty interesting way
of protecting himself from the virus.
Watch this.
-In other news, a man in England
was spotted on a public bus
using a live snake wrapped around his head
as a COVID facemask.
-Meanwhile, the guy was screaming,
"Somebody help me.
Help! Help me!"
You know someone's on Facebook still like,
"You know, you got to use the snake to cover your mouth
and your nose."
Unfortunately, chaos erupted when another guy put a mouse on
as a facemask.