WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" EVERYBODY.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> THERE'S A BIG STORY THAT REINFORCED WHAT I BELIEVE IS THE
CENTRAL MESSAGE OF THE 2016 ELECTION-- NEVER USE E-MAIL.
THE LATEST PERSON CAUGHT WITH HIS INBOX FLAPPIN' IN THE WIND
IS FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE, COLIN POWELL, WHO HAD ABOUT TWO
YEARS OF E-MAILS STOLEN AND THEN POSTED ON LINE.
TWO YEARS!
WOW!
THAT IS A DEEP DIVE INTO THE COLIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
AND THESE EMAILS CONTAIN SOME REAL BOMBSHELLS.
FOR INSTANCE, POWELL CALLED DONALD TRUMP "A NATIONAL
DISGRACE AND AN INTERNATIONAL PARIAH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
BUT THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY FAIR.
HE'S ALSO AN INTERNATIONAL DISGRACE AND A NATIONAL PARIAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IN ANOTHER EMAIL, POWELL
SAID THAT ANY MEDIA ATTENTION JUST HELPS TRUMP, EVEN
CRITICISMS, WRITING, "TO GO ON AND CALL HIM
AN IDIOT JUST EMBOLDENS HIM."
IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE.
YOU CANNOT STOP TRUMP BY CALL HIM STUPID.
HE'S JUST LIKE FORREST GUMP: HE WAS BIG IN THE '90s, SOMEHOW
ACQUIRED A FORTUNE, AND RUNS LONGER THAN ANYONE THOUGHT HE
COULD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE-- RUN, FOREST!
RUN!
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS FORREST GUMP WENT TO VIETNAM.
IT'S TRUE.
COLD-BLOODED!
BUT SECRETARY POWELL DIDN'T JUST TALK TRUMP.
HE LET LOOSE ON HILLARY CLINTON WITH EITHER A
BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT OR A FRONTHANDED INSULT WRITING:
>> Jon: OH, COLD-BLOODED.
>> Stephen: "BIMBOS."
A DAMNING ACCUSINGATION.
AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, THE WORST DAVE MATTHEWS SONG EVER.
THAT'S MY DAVE MATTHEWS.
IT'S NOT VERY GOOD.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THESE TWO HAVE BUTTED HEADS. BECAUSE
HILLARY HAS REPEATEDLY CLAIMED THAT COLIN POWELL WAS
THE ONE WHO TOLD HER TO SET UP A PRIVATE SERVER, WHILE IN THE
LEAKED E-MAILS COLIN POWELL WRITES:
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT TWO PEOPLE WHO HAVE SERVED AS THIS
COUNTRY'S TOP DIPLOMATS COMMUNICATE VIA "MINI-TANTRUMS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT AT LEAST-- ( APPLAUSE )
AT LEAST-- MINI-TANTRUM.
JUST A MINI-TANTRUM.
BUT AT LEAST SHE DIDN'T GET THE FULL COLIN FREAKOUT.
SHE JUST GOT THE SEMI-COLON.
( APPLAUSE ) YES, THANK YOU.
THAT DESERVED-- THAT'S A JOKE YOU WANT TO END WITH THAT--
SEMICOLON.
GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT?
THIS IS GREAT NEWS.
A NEW CENSUS DATA JUST CAME OUT.
SIT DOWN, I KNOW WE'RE ALL EXCITED.
THE REPORT SHOWED THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SEVEN YEARS,
MEDIAN HOUSEHOLD INCOME WENT UP.
IT ALSO HAD SOME GOOD NEWS FOR THE LADY BECAUSE THE GENDER WAGE
GAP HAS CAN DECREASED BY ONE CENT, ONE CENT.
SO, GALS, WHY DON'T YOU CELEBRATE WITH A NICE PIECE OF
PENNY CANDY.
NOT TWO PIECES, THOUGH.
THAT'LL TAKE ANOTHER 25 YEARS.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN BEATING AROUND THE BUSH HERE.
I HAVE TO GET SOMETHING THAT'S KIND OF UPSETTING ME, I WAS
HOPING I COULD GET IT OFF MY CHEST.
WOULD THAT BE OKAY?
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS EARLIER.
I FEEL DUMB.
I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.
I NEVER KNEW THERE WERE FOUR DIFFERENT SPECIES OF GIRAFFES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
APPARENTLY, A NEW STUDY FOUND THERE ARE FOUR SPECIES OF
GIRAFFE INSTEAD OF JUST ONE.
I GUESS NOW WHEN YOUR FIVE-YEAR-OLD SAYS THEIR
FAVORITE ANIMAL IS A GIRAFFE, YOU CAN SAY, "BE MORE SPECIFIC,
JONATHAN, OR YOU'LL NEVER GET INTO THE RIGHT PRE-SCHOOL."
( LAUGHTER ) AND, SURE, NO ONE KNEW THAT
UNTIL THIS WEEK, BUT I STILL FEEL PRETTY STUPID.
PLUS, UP UNTIL NOW, I JUST THOUGHT A
GIRAFFE WAS JUST A SNAKE ON TOP OF A HORSE.
SCIENTISTS MADE THE DISCOVERY BY PERFORMING SKIN BIOPSIES ON 190
GIRAFFES FROM ALL AROUND AFRICA.
THEY FOUND FOUR DISTINCT SPECIES AND THREE MOLES THE GIRAFFES
MIGHT WANT TO HAVE CHECKED OUT.
ADDITIONALLY, "THE FOUR NEWLY DEFINED SPECIES CANNOT BREED
WITH EACH OTHER IN THE WILD," ALTHOUGH, IN THE GIRAFFES'
DEFENSE, THEY'VE BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS AT WORK, AND THEY
GOT KIDS NOW.
AND, FRANKLY, EVEN WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER
THE SEX WAS GOOD, BUT NOT EXACTLY "IN THE WILD."
GIRAFFES USUALLY DON'T MAKE IT PAST THE NECKING PHASE.