HELLO, EVERYBODY!
LIVING THE DREAM, RIGHT?
TELLING JOKES ON TV.
IT'S AMAZING THAT I'M ABLE TO DO THIS BECAUSE I'M FROM
PHILADELPHIA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ACTUALLY THE MEANEST, MOST
SARCASTIC CITY IN THE COUNTRY.
IT'S A GOOD PLACE TO GROW UP AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HAVE A DREAM
YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY.
I SAID I THINK I'M GOING TO BE A WRITER WHEN I GROW UP.
THEY'RE, LIKE, OH, MY GOD, YOU SHOULD WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE, YOU
BIG LOSER.
MAYBELY, GRANDMA.
( LAUGHTER ) THE TURKEY'S DRY THIS YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN YOU START OUT, YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY MONEY.
I USED TO GET MY HAIRCUT AT A BARBER SCHOOL.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT BARBER SCHOOL IS.
BARBER SCHOOL IS WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO CUT YOUR HAIR, AND
YOU HAVE FIVE DOLLARS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO IT'S A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO I'M IN NEW YORK CITY, I'M
BROKE, I SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS HAIRCUTS FIVE BUCKS.
I GO DOWN THIS ALLEY AND THIS RUSSIAN GUY IS CUTTING MY HAIR,
RIGHT?
AND HE WANTS TO MAKE SMALL TALK BUT HE'S RUSSIAN AND THEY'RE TOO
INTENSE FOR SMALL TALK SO THE FIRST THING OUT OF HIS MOUTH
HE'S, LIKE, (RUSSIAN ACCENT) SO WHAT THIS LIFE DREAM?
IT'S PROBABLY SAFE TO SAY HE'S NOT FROM PHILLY.
I SAID, COLDY.
HE SAYS, AH, TELL ME JOKE!
I SAID, I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, YOU'RE HOLDING
SOMETHING SHARP AND YOU'RE RUSSIAN.
HE GOES, I LOVE TO LAUGH!
I SAID, I'LL TELL YOU A JOKE IF YOU TELL ME A JOKE FROM RUSSIA
I'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE.
HE SAID, OKAY, DEAL, DEAL.
NOT AS FUNNY IN TRANSLATION.
I GO, IT'S OKAY, I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
HE GOES, OKAY, OKAY.
OH, HUSBAND WALKS INTO WOODS WITH WIFE.
20 MINUTES LATER, COMES OUT OF WOODS, NO WIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT A JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S NO TWIST.
THAT'S JUST A MURDER.
( LAUGHTER ) HE GOES, IT'S FUNNIER IN
RUSSIAN.
I GO, I DON'T THINK IT IS, DUDE.
THAT'S NOT EVEN THE SCARIEST RUSSIAN I EVER MET.
I USED TO QUIT DRINKING A LOT -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- AND IT DIDN'T STICK.
( APPLAUSE ) SO ONE TIME THIS RUSSIAN GUY
COMES IN TO AA AND HE'S TELLING HIS STORY.
THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS, I'M NOT CHANGING ANYTHING, OKAY.
HE GOES, (RUSSIAN ACCENT) I DON'T KNOW, I COME TODAY BECAUSE
I WAKE UP THIS MORNING IN BATHTUB.
SHOWER STILL ON, ALMOST DROWNED IN TUB.
MY MOTHER SHE WAKE ME UP, YOU ALMOST DROWN!
YOU DRINKING!
YOU NEED HELP!
YOU GET HELP!
I KNOW I KNOW.
I DRINK BECAUSE I WORK FOR MY FRIENDS.
AND MY FRIENDS, THEY PEOPLE OWE THEM THE MONEYS, THEY DON'T PAY,
I GO TO THE HOUSE TO GET MONEY FROM THE PEOPLE.
THEY DON'T PAY ME, I HAVE TO DO THINGS TO THE PEOPLE TO GET THE
MONEYS, AFTER THAT I FEEL BAD BECAUSE OF THE THINGS I DO SO I
I -- SO I DRINK TO FORGET THE THINGS.
IT WAS THE ONLY TIME I HAD EVER BEEN AT AN AA MEETING WHERE THE
ENTIRE ROOM WAS, LIKE, DUDE, YOU CAN TOTALLY DRINK.
THAT IS THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS.
AND YOU LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER, THAT SOUNDS STRESSFUL.
I'M ACTUALLY -- I COULD RELATE TO THAT GUY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW
STRESSFUL IT IS TO COLLECT MONEY FROM PEOPLE THAT DON'T WANT TO
PAY YOU.
I HAD A PAPER ROUTE WHEN I WAS 12, AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW, WHEN
YOU HAVE A PAPER ROUTE, YOU HAVE TO GO TO EVERY HOUSE THAT YOU
DELIVER TO TO GET YOUR MONEY, RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE 12, AND IT'S
REALLY HARD TO SCARE PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE 12.
THE THREATS ARE VERY DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE 12 THAN WHEN YOU'RE
AN ADULT HIT MAN WORKING FOR THE RUSSIAN MAFIA.
I REMEMBER I'D KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND BE, LIKE, HI, SIR, YOU OWE
ME SIX DOLLARS AND I WOULD BE, LIKE, I DON'T HAVE IT.
AND HE WOULD BE LIKE, THAT'S A PRETTY WIFE YOU HAVE, IT SHOULD
BE A SHAME IF SOMEBODY WERE TO GO HOME AND HUMP THEIR COUCH
WHEN THEY THOUGHT ABOUT HER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I WAS LIKE, THEY ALWAYS PAID.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> James: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JULIAN McCULLOUGH!
CHECK HIM OUT AT THE NEW YORK COMEDY FESTIVAL!