Hi. So, I recorded this video last week, and I had planned on putting it up today. I'm still putting it up, obviously,
but that was before the shooting in Orlando, and my heart obviously goes out to all of the victims,
all the families, and friends of the victims... everyone who is hurting right now. And I know that...
I had a lot of mixed feelings about putting this up, because of the timing I think my tone in the video is a lot more upbeat
than I feel, and most people in the LGBTQ community feel right now. But, I think it's really important for me, at least,
to be proud of my identity, and to not let hate and violence scare me more than it already does.
So, I'm gonna put this up anyway, but I just wanted to address it in case, you know, anyone was wondering why I wasn't talking about it.
This is like one of those things where you watch a million coming out videos on YouTube,
and you're just like, "It's no big deal." But then you actually sit down to do it, and you're just like, "Oh my god!"
I feel like I'm in the hot seat... but also, it's just very hot in Sacramento... so, everywhere I sit is the hot seat.
I wrote down some notes. But, this is weirdly so stressful.
So I've been watching a lot of coming out videos on YouTube in preparation for this,
but also just because I love them, and I can't stop watching them.
Can I just talk about femme lesbian YouTube for a sec? Because I'm... I'm so into it. I, I'm so into it.
So in preparation I stumbled upon Ingrid's coming out video, and I can't believe it was a year ago that I was watching that video originally, and just crying my eyes out.
I probably should've realized at the time that the reason I was so interested and touched by Ingrid's video,
and other coming out videos on YouTube is because I related to them, but Marina wasn't quite there yet in her sexual awakening.
Let's just be nice to past Marina, who needed to take awhile to figure things out, and was really slow to figure it out, but eventually got there.
So for most of my life, there's been a part of me that's been very intrigued and interested in women...
But there's also been this part of me that was very doubtful, and either repressed those feelings, or didn't believe that those feelings were valid.
So for the last six months or so, I've just been thinking about my sexuality... a lot.
So I remember being in seventh grade, siting in class, kind of just letting my thoughts wander because whatever was being taught, was not interesting,
and this was a Catholic school environment that I was raised in from kindergarten to eighth grade,
so really not the best environment to be questioning your sexual orientation in.... just, at all.
And I remember kind of looking at girls, just with like, a curiosity, but never allowing myself to explore that further.
Because I remember legitimately sitting there thinking in class, "Please don't be gay. You're not allowed to be gay."
Just like a really sad thought to have, as like, a twelve year old... fuck. Okay. It's cool. I'm not gonna cry in a coming out video. This is fucking ridiculous.
So before I even allowed myself to entertain that idea, I immediately shut it down, and repressed it.
Because in seventh grade, I also remember having a "frank discussion" in my religion class, where someone asked, "Is it okay to be gay?"
And my wonderful religion teacher, Mrs. Keith(?), who is, I'm sorry... a terrible person. Just, absolutely horrible said,
"It's okay to be gay, as long as you never act on it. You can be gay, but if you ever act on it, if you ever date another person of your own gender,
if you ever have a relationship with them, or have sex with them, that's a sin, and you'll go to hell."
Which even at the time, I was like, "Um, I've seen Degrassi. This is bullshit."
But I think it's a lot easier to be accepting of someone's sexual orientation in theory, than it is to be accepting of your own orientation in practice.
Growing up, I had a lot of social anxiety, but I do remember, very specifically kind of having a disconnect between me and other women,
because a part of me was really afraid to be caught looking at them, or acting in a certain way that would make them think, "Oh my god, Marina's a lesbian!"
Like, a lot of straight girl friendships are very close, very touchy, you hold hands, you hug, you cuddle.
You do a lot of borderline romantic stuff with girls, but it's in a very, like, platonic... should be platonic, way.
And I always felt kind of uncomfortable with that. Not even that I had specific feelings for my friends, but I was worried that I would do something wrong, and it would just give away that I wasn't the straightest girl ever.
I was afraid that I would come on too strong, or it would be interpreted as me making romantic moves, or not being platonic.
So I never really handled those situations with finesse, cause I didn't want to be perceived like I was flirting with my female friends.
So, I always felt really uncomfortable with that kind of stuff. And this was... these were thoughts that I had that weren't even fully formed.
Like, it was just a sense of fear and discomfort, but it wasn't like a fully formed thought that I had in my head.
It was there, but it was something that I couldn't really articulate yet.
So, I get to high school, and I have tons of crushes on boys. I'm just... I'm real into boys.
But I remember my sophomore year, also kind of having a crush on a girl. She was very edgy, she had like, short dyed black hair, and like, piercings, and gauges, and I was so into it.
She was really nice, really outgoing. Her name was Taylor, so if anyone is watching this video from high school, then you might know who I'm talking about.
I didn't talk to her. I was really quiet and shy, so she probably had no idea, but I was just kind of in the distance, like... hey.
So we wouldn't talk that much, but occasionally she would give me a compliment, she'd be like, "Hey, you look really cute today, Marina." Because she was a nice person.
But, on the inside, I would secretly be like, "Is this flirting? What are we?" It was probably just wishful thinking, and she was being nice.
But, little fifteen year old Marina had a lot of fantasies about this.
Hi, friends. I'm back from earlier. Took a little break from now, and then, but I'm sorry I'm sweating so much... because it's so fucking hot.
I also always really connected to the few LGBQ storylines that I would see represented in media.
Every time there was a gay, or bi, or lesbian character, I was always so into it. I think the reason why I was so interested in those story lines, and why I connected to them so much,
is because I wasn't used to seeing gay characters represented at all, especially gay women.
Like, it always felt like this really secret, special thing that I was so lucky to be able to have.
But I also remember being really wary of coming across like I was "too into" those story lines, at least to my friends, and family, and people I knew.
Cause, I didn't want them to get suspicious, or anything.
I realize that up until this point in the video I haven't actually come out yet, but, a couple months ago I finally came to terms with it and started identifying as bisexual.
So yeah, that's a fun thing to say on camera. This is such a weird experience because I always felt like if I came out as bi, and that's always been something on the table...
Like, I've never really felt comfortable identifying as straight. I've definitely alluded to it over the years, I've talked about it on my blog, I've talked about it with my friends.
But it wasn't until very recently that I... that I was like, "You know, Marina, you're attracted to women. You figured it out now, after years of questioning it, so you should probably just start using the label."
And I made a post about it on tumblr before I told my boyfriend, or my friends, or told anyone. I still haven't officially come out to most people.
I made a post on tumblr, like, really casual, like, "Yo. I'm bisexual, just so you know."
And at first I was like, "It's no big deal." And then, an hour later, I started panicking, and I was so surprised, because I never thought that I would feel that way.
I never thought it would be a big deal. It was always just that I didn't feel valid in my bisexuality. Like, I didn't feel like I was "bi enough."
Which is a very common feeling that a lot of bisexual people have. So, immediately after posting it, I just felt very afraid.
Like I'd just taken on this new identity, and I hadn't processed it yet, and I wasn't totally ready.
But then a couple days later, I was okay with it. But, at that time it was a little too heavy for me to deal with, even though I didn't think it would be at all, because it didn't seem like a big deal.
But then when I actually did it, it felt like a much bigger deal than I was anticipating. And it's weird because I don't think its a big deal.
Like, everyone watching this is probably going to be like, "It's not. It doesn't matter, Marina."
But, something about physically having to come out to people is really awkward, and uncomfortable, and it feels like this big thing that you need to reveal to them.
Even if... the reality of coming out does not match the reality of being, like, a queer person. One is so much more daunting and scary than the other one.
When the other is just like, "Eh. Just how I am." It doesn't match up, in my opinion, and I feel like that's probably how a lot of other people feel.
And I haven't actually come out to my parents yet. Like, I told my brother. But it's not really something that comes up. So, if you're watching this, mom and dad...
Surprise... It's just not something that comes up naturally. It's relevant because it's part of who I am,
but it's not relevant in the sense that I have been in a relationship with a dude for the last two years. And we're living together.
And, like me dating girls isn't really a thing that's happening because I'm in a monogamous relationship.
So it's not really something that needs to come up. But I feel like it's important to who I am.
So, it's just... it's a weird disconnect between wanting people to know but not knowing how to tell them, because it's not relevant to the conversations you're having.
So yeah, anyway, that's my coming out experience that I'm still in the process of because, as a lot of people know, you don't come out once. You are continually coming out your entire life.
And I am a very femme person, so I don't really think that you would just assume that of me. Like, just looking at me with another dude, like I'm almost always perceived as straight.
So, that's kind of a weird thing to try and manage. It's a confusing thing, but it's something that I gotta figure out, I guess.
And will figure out, with time. So yeah, thanks for watching this. It's probably gonna be really long.
Because I have a lot of thoughts, and these videos are usually longer, so, whatever.
I guess I'm just really happy that this is something that I finally came to accept about myself, and stopped repressing,
and feeling the need to pretend it wasn't there, or invalidate it. And I'm happy that I can finally be honest with myself, and other people. And not feel boxed in.
Anyway, thank you for watching this video. If you enjoyed it, please give it a like and subscribe to this channel for more videos like this one.
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