So many people are walking the surface of this earth
with terribly low self-esteem.
And the core of that low self-esteem
is the feeling of not being valued.
When we value something,
we recognize that it has worth
because it's useful, beneficial or important.
And it's looking at that definition of value
that can actually change your life.
The realization that can change your life,
is that value is entirely based upon needs.
I want you to sit with that concept for a minute
while I explain how this whole thing
has the capacity to increase your self-esteem.
When you were young,
unfortunately, you came into an unawakened society.
And in this particular society,
there were collective social and cultural values.
Those are the values that you ''become completely indoctrinated with.
And when a society has a specific value,
it tends to condemn the opposite.
For example,
self-sacrifice may be a social value,
in which case selfishness is condemned.
To the opposite winning may be a social value in which case,
considering someone else's best interests above your own, is condemned.
We deem one good and the other bad.
Because of our societal decision
to keep societal order,
what we do is we indoctrinate children
with these social or cultural values.
And this is how we do it:
We reward them when they adopt and live by those
and we punish them when they don't.
if you want to survive in society,
if you want to feel good at all,
if you want to have a chance at your needs being met,
needs like belonging, love, Connection...
You have one option:
That's to adopt and adhere to the values
of your specific social group.
the disapproval and punishment
you are met with as a result of not adhering to these societal values
is painful enough, that you will avoid it in the future at all costs.
In response, what you do in order to avoid it in the future
is to adopt the social value and make it your own.
You make it your own standard for yourself.
This is a problem if any of these values become standards
that oppose your own truth or your own unique being.
For example, let's imagine that a child is born into an artistic community,
but this child is more of a scientist.
His only way of surviving is to adopt that value of artistry
and then use that as a standard for himself.
A standard he's going to fall miserably short of
over and over and over again.
Here's another example;
Let's say that you've got a little boy
who feels like he's gay.
But he is in a Christian society
that teachers that it is completely wrong
for there to be a romantic or sexual relationship
between a man and a man.
Now his only way of surviving in this type of a situation
is to adopt that same cultural and social value.
That means it's only right to have a relationship with another woman.
Yet again, this becomes his new standard for himself,
which he's going to fail at
over and over and over again.
Because even if he does end up in a relationship with a woman,
deep down he knows he's failing at it,
if you catch my drift.
To understand this concept
about values being entirely based upon needs,
I'm gonna give you a scenario;
Imagine that you're driving down the highway
When you see a man running into the middle of the road
as fast as he can to retrieve a ladder
that's fallen out of the back of a truck.
I want you to think about the different reactions to the situation
that could be elicited in the people that are driving by it.
One driver could be absolutely furious
because the man caused him to swerve so as to not hit him.
one driver could thank God for his bravery
because by risking his own life to run out into the road
he's potentially saving the lives of anyone else who might hit that ladder.
If this man has a wife and children
They may feel betrayed because their husband and father
would choose to risk his life without a thought to the pain it would cause them.
A police officer may see this man as an absolute idiot
and be upset that he didn't call the authorities
when he had to do with the ladder on the highway.
A news anchor may want to feature him on the nightly news as a hero.
All of these reactions were entirely different. Did you notice?
They were different because they had different needs,
different past experiences and therefore different values.
Values are determined by needs.
So relative to this example I just gave you,
Let's look at some of the needs that might be behind these reactions.
If I need to get to work on time
I'm gonna value an efficient highway
and get really angry at a person who gets in my way.
If I need to stay safe, I'm gonna value anyone
who makes sure the road is a safe place for me to drive.
If I need my husband alive,
I'm gonna value any act that keeps him with me
and devalue any act that could take him away.
If I need to feel like I'm in control of Public Safety,
I'm gonna value people who follow the freaking rules
and get angry at anyone who risks their own life.
If I'm a news anchor
who values a really good story
because it's really good for my own career,
I'm gonna tell you a story about a public hero.
Beliefs, rules and standards
are formed because of your needs.
So I want you to do the following exercise:
Examine your beliefs, rules and values through the lens of:
Every one of them is created in response to a need
of parents, culture or society
at some point in time.
Also, beliefs, values and rules change
when needs change.
When it comes to the concept of self-worth
the first thing you have to do,
is to throw the concept of self-worth or worth in general away.
Why? Because worth is entirely subjective.
It's entirely based on the specific needs and circumstances
of a given moment in time.
The criteria created to define whether a person has worth,
is entirely based on the specific society
or family that this person is born into.
I'll give you two examples:
The quality of being able to be completely present
is useless in a society that values doing.
Being gorgeous
is absolutely useless in a society where everyone is blind.
So it's at this point
I'm going to tell you something that I never want you to forget.
Perhaps the inborn value,
those talents,
those aptitudes,
those interests
which really could add up to someone seeing you as worthy
or full of worth, I should say,
is not what your society,
culture or family needed,
wanted or saw as important
or beneficial or useful.
Maybe the only reason you lack self-worth,
is because of the place you were born.
~ Laughter ~
For example, if you were born with artistic talents
but landed in a family that valued the quality of scholarly intellect above all else,
they may not consider your gifts valuable,
and therefore, you would have received the message
that YOU were not valuable.
However, if you would have been born into a family of artists
your gift would have been instantaneously recognized as valuable.
And therefore, you would have felt as if you were valuable.
The sad reality is that you can be born into a society, culture or family
That is incompatible to you
because your own innate value is not in alignment
with their specific needs and therefore values.
I'm going to tell you a story now,
so you can completely grasp this concept.
It's a story that I've told before,
some of you may have heard it some of you may not have.
If not this is your lucky day.
The story starts like this;
There's a horse that lives with a car salesman.
This horse feels crappy about himself.
All day, every day he gets to watch this car salesman
wipe all of these cars and his lot down with a diaper.
I mean hours spent like this.
He overhears this man bragging
about the fact that this engine is 140 horsepower
and he thinks to himself:
"Gosh, it would take a hundred and forty of me
to equal one of that car."
He hears this man brag about how much money
he can make on this car.
And he realizes:
"I would sell for a lot less money."
So this horse realizes
that he's completely worthless.
One day he gets put into a trailer.
As this horse is being driven away,
he decides that it's finally happened.
He's so worthless that they're getting rid of him.
But when he's loaded out of this trailer,
he sees a man who's standing there with a big grin on his face,
super excited to see him.
This confuses the horse.
In the days to come,
this man spends hours brushing him,
just like that old car salesman used to do with the cars.
He overhears this man bragging
about how amazing this horse is,
because of his great conformation.
This man has the need of sailing over these jumps
which a car could never do,
and suddenly this horse has a realization,
that something's worth is entirely
dependent upon somebody
who has the needs that that thing meets.
What the horse realizes is that there's value in everything in this world.
It's simply a matter of being in the right place
with the right person who will recognize the needs
that you're designed to meet
So many of us
grew up in households,
went to schools,
were part of cultures or societies
where it's no different than a horse living with a car salesman.
But it is just as much B.S.,
that just because you're being treated
like you're being treated it means you have no value,
as it is B.S.
that just because this car salesman treats the horse like he does,
that the horse innately and of itself, has no value to anyone.
So it's at this point that you're gonna start to do another exercise;
You're gonna start to look at your parents needs
and at why they have those needs.
You're gonna see if your innate talents,
tendencies, nature and interests
are something that they value.
If not, what do they value?
What needs make them value those things?
Are you a match to those needs or not?
For example, let's say that your mother does not value
the fact that you tell it like it is.
What she values
is social etiquette and politeness.
Why?
Because she really needs to be seen as a good mother.
That's her number one need.
Now it's pretty hard to get that need met
when you've got a kid who's always telling it like it is.
Why?
Because you can only be seen as a really good mom, in most societies,
when you've got a kid who's like insanely well behaved.
A person who tells the truth or tells it like it is,
is extremely valuable
in certain social settings,
in certain societies.
There are people who would kill for a person like that.
However, it's incompatible to the need of this mother
keeping up appearances in her social sphere.
Essentially you need to realize that their valuing or lack thereof,
is not about you at all.
It's about their needs.
Another way of kind of grasping this concept
is to understand that in most cultures
money is obviously something of value
because you can use it to get whatever the hell you need, right?
But overnight let's say wartime strikes out,
BAM, money in a specific country
can become completely worthless overnight.
Because the times and the needs changed.
Worth and value is completely subjective,
variable, often irrational and dependent upon circumstance.
For this reason, true human worth is impossible to determine.
Another perspective about value or another way of looking at it is this:
Instead of seeing that there's no worth
or no inherent value in anything because it's a completely subjective,
I want you to consider that there is
worth and value in absolutely everything that's inherent.
However, that inherent worth in any one thing,
is only going to be recognized
in certain situations
and by certain individuals.
Now the mistake we make when we start to accept
that our value is really dependent on someone needing us,
is that we suddenly start to want to change what they need and want
we're gonna try to convince them to need or want
what we can provide.
It's really the wrong way of going about it.
In fact, you're most likely gonna just be running your head into a brick wall.
So, the better way of doing it
is to really find those
people, places and cultures
who will genuinely need
what it is that you have innately as a value within you.
In other words,
it's a better strategy to find someone
who has a need that's compatible to you
and it's a guarantee that you will be seen as valuable to someone.
Who might that someone be?
To revolutionize your self-worth
you're gonna ask yourself the following question:
"If I were to accept today
that value was entirely based on needs,
then who needs me?
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com