WELCOME ONE AT ALL. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
CHILDREN OF ALL AGES. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WANT TO START OFF TONIGHT WITH SOME
GREAT NEWS ABOUT OUR FINANCIAL SYSTEM.
WE STILL HAVE ONE! OVER THIS WEEKEND, THERE WERE
SOME DOUBTS, THANKS TO THE RAPID IMPLOSION OF SILICON VALLEY
BANK, WHICH LAST WEEK COLLAPSED, AFTER LOSING ALL
OF ITS MONEY IN JUST 48 HOURS. I DON'T SEE HOW A BANK COULD
LOSE ALL THEIR MONEY? WHY DON'T THEY JUST ATTACH IT
TO THE CHAINS THEY PUT ON THE PENS?
THEN THEY CAN'T. IT'S PRETTY BAD WHEN THE FIRST
TIME YOU EVER HEAR OF A BANK IS WHEN THEY'RE GOING OUT OF
BUSINESS. BUT WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT
COMING FROM THEIR SLOGAN, SILICON VALLEY BANK.
"WE WILL BE MISSED." SILICON VALLEY WASN'T A NORMAL
BANK, AS WE WOULD THINK OF IT. THEY DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF
SMALL DEPOSITORS. THEY HAD A LOT OF TECH START-UPS
WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF CASH THAT STARTUPS NEEDED TO TRANSFER
SOMEPLACE UNTIL THEY WITHDREW IT LATER.
MEANING SVB WAS SORT OF LIKE A VENMO FOR DROPBOX.
OR LIKE A TASKRABBIT FOR PAYPAL.
NO, IT WAS LIKE A GRINDER FOR GRUBHUB.
WHATEVER IT WAS. POINT IS, THESE TECH START UPS
HAD ACCOUNTS SO HUGE THAT THEY WERE TOO BIG TO BE FEDERALLY
INSURED. AND ON WEDNESDAY, IT WAS
REVEALED THAT SVB HAD INVESTED THESE MASSIVE DEPOSITS IN
TREASURY BONDS WHICH HAD LOST VALUE WHEN THE FED RAISED RATES,
WHICH THEY HAD TO SELL AT A LOSS TO COVER THEIR
DEPOSITS, SPARKING A RUN ON THE BANK.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF WHAT A RUN ON A BANK
FOR TECH START-UPS LOOKS LIKE. >> NO, BUT YOU'RE THINKING
OF THIS PLACE ALL WRONG, AS IF I HAD THE MONEY BACK
IN A SAFE. THE MONEY'S NOT HERE.
YOUR MONEY'S IN A SMART WATCH FOR DOGS,
AND YOURS IS IN AN ENERGY DRINK FOR GHOSTS.
>> Stephen: WITH OVER $200 BILLION IN ASSETS, THIS IS
THE SECOND-LARGEST BANK FAILURE IN U.S. HISTORY, SINCE THE
COLLAPSE OF WASHINGTON MUTUAL IN 2008.
IT'S 2008 ALL OVER AGAIN! BANKS ARE COLLAPSING,
FLIP PHONES ARE BACK, AND HILLARY CLINTON'S
GOT THE NOMINATION LOCKED UP! NO WAY OBAMA IS GOING TO TAKE
IT. HUSSEIN, COME ON.
THEN JUST 2 DAYS LATER, AFTER THE SECOND LARGEST BANK
COLLAPSE IN HISTORY, WE GOT THE THIRD LARGEST BANK COLLAPSE IN
HISTORY, WHEN REGULATORS ANNOUNCED THAT NEW YORK-BASED
SIGNATURE BANK HAD ALSO FAILED. YEAH, BUT IT FAILED IN THE
GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD! IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT HERE,
YOU CAN'T MAKE IT ANYWHERE! NOW, DON'T WORRY, GUYS, NEW YORK
IS THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY. JUST GRAB YOURSELF AN ELMO HEAD,
GET OUT TO TIMES SQUARE, AND YOU SHAKE YOUR FURRY
MONEY-MAKERS! BACK ON TOP IN NO TIME.
TO STOP THE SPREAD OF FINANCIAL PANIC, ON SUNDAY, TREASURY
SECRETARY JANET YELLIN ANNOUNCED THE FEDS WILL FULLY
REIMBURSE THE BANKS' CUSTOMERS USING CASH FROM THE
DEPOSIT INSURANCE FUND, WHICH HAS OVER $100 BILLION IN IT.
A TREASURY OFFICIAL SAYS THAT AMOUNT IS
"MORE THAN FULLY SUFFICIENT" TO COVER SVB AND SIGNATURE
DEPOSITORS, BUT NPR REPORTS THAT NOW "THE FUND IS GOING TO BE
PRETTY DEPLETED." SO WE'RE TOTALLY FINE AS LON AS
WE DON'T HAVE ANOTHER CRISIS. IT'S LIKE THE FIRE
EXTINGUISHER SAYS, "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY,
TOUGH LUCK! YOU USED THIS LAST YEAR!
MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH GOD." THE FLAMES, THE FLAMES ARE YOUR
FRIENDS NOW. IN ADDITION, FEDERAL OFFICIALS
ARE AUCTIONING OFF SILICON VALLEY BANK.
THEY'RE PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS AT THE AUCTION.
THEY'VE EVEN GOT ONE OF THOSE INFLATABLE JANET YELLINS.
THAT'S GOOD. PRESIDENT BIDEN ADDRESSED THE
CRISIS THIS MORNING. >> EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD FEEL
CONFIDENT THEIR DEPOSITS WILL BE THERE.
YOUR DEPOSITS ARE SAFE. AMERICANS CAN HAVE CONFIDENCE
THAT THE BANKING SYSTEM IS SAFE. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS,
AMERICANS CAN REST ASSURED THAT OUR BANKING SYSTEM IS SAFE.
>> Stephen: NOT AS COMFORTING AS HE IMAGINES.
NO ONE WANTS A CALL FROM THE BABYSITTER THAT GOES,
"THE KIDS ARE SAFE. YOU CAN HAVE TOTAL CONFIDENCE
THAT THE KIDS ARE SAFE. REST ASSURED,
YOUR KIDS ARE SAFE. THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS:
ALL KIDS HAVE ALL FINGERS AND THE TOASTER OVEN IS NOWHERE
NEAR THE BATHTUB." ALL AMERICANS SHOULD KNOW.
BECAUSE ALSO A LITTLE UNSET UNSETTLING, BIDEN GAVE THE
SPEECH AT 9:00 A.M. PRESIDENTS NEVER SPEAK
THAT EARLY. BIDEN SPEAKING AT 9:00 A.M.
IS LIKE YOUR PARENTS CALLING YOU AT 9:00 A.M.
"OH, GOD. EITHER SOMEBODY'S DEAD OR THE
INTERNET IS DOWN, I'M GONNA HAVE TO FLY TO OHIO
TO PRESS A RESET BUTTON." SPEAKING OF FAILURES, WE HAVE AN
UPDATE ON MIKE PENCE, SEEN HERE [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SEEN HERE THINKING ABOUT NAPKINS.
OL' MIKEY P. GAVE A SPEECH TO JOURNALISTS AT THE ANNUAL
GRIDIRON SEX CLUB DINNER, AND HE CAME OUT HARD AGAINST HIS OLD
BOSS, SAYING, "THE EX PRESIDENT WAS WRONG.
I HAD NO RIGHT TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION.
AND HIS RECKLESS WORDS ENDANGERED MY FAMILY
AND EVERYONE AT THE CAPITOL THAT DAY."
"I KNOW THAT HISTORY WILL HOLD THE EX-PRESIDENT ACCOUNTABLE."
OKAY, THAT'S COOL ABOUT HISTORY AND STUFF, BUT COULD THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OR MAYBE...
OR THE MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY?
OR THE BASKIN ROBBINS BIRTHDAY CLUB?
ANYONE? ANYONE ALIVE NOW?
BECAUSE MIKE PENCE ISN'T GONNA DO JACK SQUAT.
JUST LAST WEEK, HE ASKED A JUDGE TO BLOCK THE SPECIAL COUNSEL'S
SUBPOENA FOR HIS JANUARY 6TH TESTIMONY, ARGUING THAT
"SERVING AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE ESSENTIALLY MAKES
HIM A MEMBER OF THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH."
OKAY, TECHNICALLY TRUE, BUT BARELY.
THAT MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS SAYING, "FOR YOUR
INFORMATION, I'M A MEMBER OF THE UNITED MILEAGE PLUS, SO
LEGALLY, I'M ALLOWED TO LAND THIS 747."
GIMME THE KEYS. THERE ARE NO KEYS?
OKAY. BUT IT WASN'T ALL JANUARY 6.
PENCE HAD SOME FUN, TOLD SOME JOKES, AND EVEN DID A BIT OF AN
IMPRESSION OF HIS OLD BOSS. "HELLO.
IT IS I, THE GODLESS PRESIDENT.
I WOULD LIKE ANOTHER "CHEESED" BURGER, PLEASE."
NOW, FOR MY ROBERT DE NIRO. HELLO.
I AM ACCLAIMED ACTOR, DESERVING OF RESPECT AND ADMIRATION,
ROBERT DE NIRO. ARE YOU TALKING TO ME.
I DON'T SEE ANYONE ELSE HERE. WHO IN THE
H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS ARE YOU TALKING TO,
IF NOT ME?" PENCE IS TAKING SHOTS
AT THE EX PREZ AND TELLING ZINGERS FOR A REASON.
ACCORDING TO HIS TOP ADVISER, "MIKE IS IN A
DIFFERENT PLACE WHERE HE CAN BE SORT OF FREE AND LIBERATED."
SO...HE'S NOT GONNA TESTIFY, BUT HE'S GONNA WEAR
A SNOOPY TIE. LAST NIGHT WAS THE OSCARS,
THE BIGGEST NIGHT FOR MOVIES ON TV
IT'S TV'S BIGGEST NIGHT FOR MOVIES OTHER THAN WHEN TBS
AIRS "FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL."
THERE WERE SO MANY EXCITING WINS LAST NIGHT.
MICHELLE YEOH MADE HISTORY BY BECOMING THE FIRST ASIAN WOMAN
TO WIN THE OSCAR FOR BEST ACTRESS
AND HOLLYWOOD COMEBACK KID BRENDAN FRASER TOOK HOME BEST
ACTOR FOR HIS ROLE IN "THE WHALE," AS WELL AS THE
AWARD FOR MOST NAUTICAL METAPHORS.
>> I'M GRATEFUL TO DARREN ARONOFSKY FOR THROWING ME A
CREATIVE LIFELINE AND HAULING ME ABOARD THE GOOD SHIP
"THE WHALE." IT WAS WRITTEN BY
SAMUEL D. HUNTER, WHO IS OUR LIGHTHOUSE.
GENTLEMEN, YOU LAID YOUR WHALE-SIZED HEARTS BARE
I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT ONLY WHALES CAN SWIM AT THE DEPTH
OF THE TALENT OF HONG CHAU. IT'S BEEN LIKE I'VE BEEN IN A
DIVING EXPEDITION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LOVELY MOMENT BUT
QUICK QUESTION, DID BRENDAN WATCH HIS OWN
MOVIE? 'CAUSE I DID, AND IT WASN'T
ABOUT HAVING FUN ON THE HIGH SEAS.
I ALSO LOVED "TAR." ALL THAT HOT, STICKY TAR!
REALLY SWALLOWED THAT SABER TOOTHED TIGER.
AND THE MAMMOTH. AND "ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN
FRONT" -- NOT A PEEP ON THAT FRONT!
JUST SHHHH." THE BIGGEST WINNERS WERE
FRIENDS OF THE SHOW, DANIELS, WHO TOOK HOME OSCARS FOR BEST
PICTURE, BEST DIRECTOR, AND BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY FOR THEIR
FILM "EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] QUOTE EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL
AT ONCE," OR AS YOUR PARENTS CALL IT "WE WERE CONFUSED."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE CHRISTINA RICCI AND FORMER WHITE HOUSE
PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE"! CHECK IT OUT.