- It's gonna be like ice hockey though,
not like girl's school hockey, yeah?
- I wish it was dancing on ice.
Hard hits.
(upbeat rock music)
- I say people are gonna break arms and teeth.
- They have a lot of padding on,
so they're probably fearless.
- I like seeing people getting smacked over,
but I don't wanna see legs and all getting broke.
- No, I don't wanna see a leg going through the air.
- I only watch when they Zamboni the ice.
That's all. That's the only bit.
When the players come out, not interested.
- See it just looks like fun
because they're in those big massive things.
You know whenever you put the inflatable sumo suits on?
That's what it looks like.
- In fairness, ice skating is really hard to do.
Imagine trying to keep it.
- Yeah, and trying to catch a black little dot as well.
- Are they fine? They're grand.
- They've got helmets and all.
Oh, jeez!
(laughing)
- His helmet came off, there.
- Look, look at him go. Pow!
(laughing)
- Helmet's straight off the head!
- This is so much fun.
- Is there points for those hits?
- I'm not sure. The crowds are cheering more for the hits
than they are for the game.
- I feel the atmosphere, to be honest.
I feel like I'm at the game.
- That can't be legal. That's nuts.
- Imagine if football players did this.
They would be on the ground screaming.
Foaming at the mouth.
- Yeah, a physio would have a tough job.
- I know.
- So this is why everyone goes to ice hockey games.
- Yeah, they don't go for the game,
they go for the action.
- This makes so much sense.
- You don't even watch the puck.
- No.
- No one cares where the puck goes.
- They're just watching the men.
(groaning)
- Oh, Jesus! Oh my God!
Did somebody just break the glass?
(gasping)
- Oh, shit! Oh my God!
What the fuck!
Oh, shit!
- The audience all stood up clapping, look!
(laughing) - Oh my God.
- That is me outside McDonald's at 12:05 a.m.
when they won't let me in.
- Only four minutes in.
(laughing)
Four minutes in, I'll break this guy's neck.
- Imagine cleaning the glass panes after a match,
just blood and sweat, just squeegeeing down.
(laughing)
- "I could tackle him, or..."
- Am I supposed to be laughing?
Or am I supposed to be like, "That's disgraceful."
I'm not picking up the vibes here.
- I'm not laughing, but I'm not horrified by it.
It's a sport, I guess. They signed up for it themselves.
- Okay, but you know what I do wanna see?
Is just when they take the gloves off
and start punching each other.
- That's when it gets good.
- Not that I'm bloodthirsty, I'm just saying.
Oh, yes!
- Here we go!
- Ask and you shall receive.
- Oh, take him down. - Look at them go!
- Oh, here we go. - Oh, punch ups.
- Here we go.
- They can legally stop the game to do that, I believe.
The ref is watching this.
- It would've been great if there was a scoreboard
going one, two, one, two.
(laughing)
- The way they're actually looking like ballerinas,
'cause they're, like, going around on the ice.
- Imagine they put their back leg up.
(laughing)
- You ever fought on ice?
- No.
- Would you like to?
- Do you have ice?
- Let's do it.
- It's like in football, "Hit him, he's no relation."
It's like the same with this logic.
You're not related to him? Fine.
Take him out. Knock him out.
- You know, I was kind of really enjoying at the beginning,
but now it's like how much can you take, kind of thing.
- Another pane of glass.
Don't fight on the audience, there could be a child there.
- We're gonna have to go to therapy after this.
- Think of the children!
- Looks like he's got his hand left there
to spank him with the thing, doesn't he?
He's like, "You're gonna get it."
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- They're down. Grapple it out!
- Oh, his whole top's come off!
Oh, his sexy lingerie underneath.
- Now we're talking.
- They're all in there. Look at this.
- Well isn't this just dandy?
- Dandy.
- But it's kind of good
because you're getting four sports in one, you know?
- Aren't you?
- You're getting a bit of MMA, bit of wrestling,
bit of boxing, and then maybe bit of hockey if you're lucky.
- This is value for money.
- Imagine your kid in school being like,
"Mom, I wanna grow up to be a hockey player."
And you know that this is what happens.
You're like, "You're not (indistinct) hockey."
- You have to admit, though,
the ice is very nicely Zambonied.
- Isn't it, though?
- Isn't it smooth?
- It is lovely.
- I haven't seen one goal being made in this whole time.
- Yeah, but that's because we're not watching the goal.
- I know.
- That's the whole point!
We're here watching all of these moments.
- Where are they getting these numbers on the jerseys?
Like, how is he 67?
There's no way there's 67 people out there.
Is it how many times they've had fights
in the season? 67? - Yes.
- Then you get a new number added on.
- He's just like, "Okay, that's enough punching that man
in the face."
- They should have special brakes
that they can put on their skates
so they can just stand in front of each other
and punch each other.
That would be way more effective.
- I used to do the noise for the old Batman series.
- Did you?
- Wham! That's what this needs!
Look, look, look, look.
Kapow! - Kapow!
(laughing)
- Do you know what's disappointing is that nobody
takes their skate off and uses it as a knife.
- That is vicious.
- You could do that.
- Remind me to never play hockey with you.
- Some family fun, there. Wasn't it?
- The standout part was when the glass
shattered into everyone's eyes,
and it just turned into a nightmare.
- Don't sit in the front row.
- There's the top tip we've learned.
- And every time one of them hit another guy,
I just imagined him in his head screaming,
"Do you love me now, Daddy?"
- Look after yourself, you know?
Look after yourself.
- Don't be beating each other up. And get better helmets.
- Wrap up well.
- If you know someone that you really hate,
and if you know that they play hockey,
take up hockey, and then take them down.
- Alternatively, take them down anyway,
and when the police come, say you were practicing.
- You scare me.
(laughing)
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