- I had a vasectomy last year.
(audience cheering)
We don't all wear capes, you know what I'm talking about?
Just out here.
I did that 'cause we had a kid in the middle
of a global pandemic and I was like whoa, this blows, huh?
(audience laughing)
Make sure that never happens again.
We had a kid, we decided we were one and done,
and in our situation,
we have two forms of long-term birth control, two options.
First one, I could get a vasectomy,
or the second one, she could get her tubes tied.
It's like, yeah, all right, let's just go with the one
that sounds like an actual medical procedure.
(audience laughing)
Like a doctor's gonna do it, you know?
Not the one that sounds like birth control
for balloon animals.
(audience laughing)
It's insane that they call it that.
They don't tie 'em together, by the way.
My whole life I thought there was some cartoon doctor
being like, "No more kids for you."
It's like, no.
(audience laughing)
It's whole procedure dog.
But it's scary, like the topic of birth control,
it's real polarizing right now, you know?
So I told like anytime it came up,
I would tell people like, "Yeah, I'm gonna get a vasectomy."
And everyone's like, "Of course you are. That ain't shit.
That ain't shit compared to birth."
I'm like, "Yeah, you're absolutely right.
Compared to birth, that ain't shit.
But not compared to birth, that's some shit."
(audience laughing)
It just is. Someone's gonna cut into my nuts.
That's, I mean, you know, that's scary.
That's like the one thing I hope would never happen
my whole life.
I was like surely no one's gonna ever cut into those.
That'd be, that'd just be crazy.
Obviously, I'm never gonna pay a grownup to do that.
That just, a big sellout move.
It's scary, like yes, birth is much more painful looking,
much gnarlier, much scarier,
but a vasectomy is just, you know,
it's also painful, scary, gnarly looking.
Like those two things can exist in the same world.
They're just different levels of severity,
you know what I mean?
I'll put it in perspective.
Let's say I'm walking down the street with a buddy of mine,
just minding my own business.
Somebody runs up and stabs them 30 times.
Just runs up like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
"Nice shoes. Run 'em."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just stabs them 30 times and then they stabbed me once.
(audience laughing)
Still sucks I got stabbed.
(audience laughing)
It's a bummer. I'm bleeding, you know?
That's a vasectomy.
Pretty rad my voice cracked, huh?
(audience laughing)
So I walked in for the procedure
and I was nervous right away 'cause it was much different
than I thought.
When I walked in for the procedure,
I thought it was gonna be simple.
I thought I was just gonna stand there
and they were gonna sew my penis into my own belly button.
(audience laughing)
It makes sense to me.
I just stand there, hold it for 'em,
they could stitch around, put some shoe goo
or rubber cement in the holes, make sure nothing gets out,
you know what I mean?
In and out like a robbery.
'Cause then if I have an orgasm into my own tummy,
I can't get pregnant.
I don't have the stuff, I don't have eggs,
I don't have a uterus, I ain't got no fallops, you know?
It'll just cycle through like the infinity pool
at rich people's houses.
Just kind of keep going in and out.
Maybe I'd sweat it out on occasion,
just squeegee it up, keep it pushing, you know?
Plus I'd have a little handle, wouldn't that be cool?
Make a little guitar case outta me.
(audience laughing)
Like if I was sleeping on the couch,
you desperately want me to go to brunch
but you don't wanna wake me up.
You're like, "Well, I'll just pick him up
by his little bad dude and take him."
That's not at all what they do.
It's a whole thing. It's a whole procedure.
I go in and the doctor sits me down.
He's like, "All right,
we're gonna make a tiny little incision in your scrotum,
pull out your vas deferens one by one,
cut out a chunk, cauterize them."
The whole time, I'm just like,
Why are you telling me? I'm already here, you know?
(audience laughing)
Save your breath, playboy. You're spinning your wheels.
Honestly, just get to cutting."
And so he explains everything
and he stands up and he's by the door,
and he goes, "All right, I'm gonna get outta here.
I want you to get naked from the waist down.
I'll come back in, we'll do the whole procedure."
So he gets out of there.
I get naked from the waist down, and can we all just agree
that naked from the waist down is the dumbest kind of naked?
(audience laughing)
It's insane.
I just, I look like this.
I don't got a lot of arrows in the quiver, you know?
So I look like this all the time,
but I had a hat on in this particular day.
(audience laughing)
I didn't know this was gonna happen,
so I'm just standing there naked from the waist down,
I was like, "Well, that ain't it. This is crazy.
I just look like a lost five year old."
Like when you're naked...
(audience laughing)
When you're naked from the waist down,
it doesn't look like you took your pants off.
It looks like you found a shirt, you know?
(audience laughing)
It doesn't look planned.
It looks like I was chained up in someone's basement,
and I got out and I was, like, happened upon a shirt
and like, "All right, thank God, now onto some help."
And so I thought about getting all the way naked.
I was like, just take the shirt off, keep the hat on.
Meet him in the middle.
So I just looked like a moron.
And so I started to get all the way naked,
but then I stopped, I was like, no, can't do that.
If someone's expecting you half naked
and you're all the way naked, now it's on you.
(audience laughing)
He just comes in, "Sean, why are you all the way naked?"
And I'd be like, "Well, I look pretty stupid the other way,
so please cut into my scrotum, just get that done."
So I kept the shirt on like an absolute tool,
and he comes back in to do the procedure,
but he had another person with him.
I was shook. It was a student.
She was shadowing him.
She was gonna learn how to perform vasectomies.
I wasn't ready for that.
So comes in, didn't matter that she was a woman,
mattered that there was another person there,
'cause I felt like an absolute moron.
I'm just standing their feet up in the straddles.
naked from the waist down, like a total chode,
and she comes in with him, she goes to the back
so I couldn't see her,
and then he sits down and he put on some gloves
and he got his hands all sudsy,
and he goes, "All right, I'm gonna wash you real quick"
is what he said.
And I don't know why I did it, but right back at her,
so he goes, "We're gonna wash you real quick."
And I look back at her, I go, "I washed myself, so...
(audience laughing)
I'm not a godless lunatic. Of course I took care of it.
He can do it again.
I mean, we can make sure it's double clean."
but of course I washed,
I'm having a penis operation. I washed my penis.
(audience laughing)
It's only one of these I'm gonna get, hopefully,
so yeah, I took care of it.
You know, I'm not just trouncing around
with some dirty pickle, just ready to have it operated on.
I wasn't in a heated game of racquetball,
just like, "Whoa, holy buckets,
thought I was gonna get home, but I can not do it
so I'm just gonna go squinching on down there
and let this poor bastard wash it for me."
Of course I washed it.
He did it anyways, he just starts washing it.
And I'll tell you this, it wasn't not dope.
(audience laughing)
I was fine with it, I was just sitting there like,
"Well, you really rolled out the red carpet playboy.
This is...
(audience laughing)
I've never had a doctor do this
and this really is loosening me up, you know?"
(audience laughing)
It'd be nice if they did that
before every medical procedure.
I had my ACL reconstructed a while back.
If they would've just sat down like gentlemen, been like,
"Sean, it looks like you tore your left ACL and your MCL.
We're gonna get you back walking, reconstruct,
you're gonna be good as new.
Before we do that,
just gonna wash your penis real quick.
(audience laughing)
See if that helps everything out."
And it did.
So then he did the procedure. It was no big deal.
Took 11 minutes, I was texting the whole time.
It was nothing.
If you're thinking about getting a vasectomy, just go do it.
Stop being a dickhead. Go get it done.
Guys suck so bad, so just do the one thing that you can do
and get it done.
I digress, that's not something funny about that,
was a little PSA.
So he did it, got it all done, put a little bow on it,
and I was a little more clear headed after that,
so I did have a question for him.
I was really interested about this.
I asked him, I go, "What's the most common question you get
from all these dudes in here getting vasectomies?"
He said one of the most common questions he gets
far and away is guys all wanna know
if they're gonna have the same amount of ejaculate
after the procedure as they did before,
which is a wild question.
I've never cared.
I've never even cared a little bit how much comes out.
I don't want anything to come out.
(audience laughing)
I never have.
If there's another sneaky little jizz pipe in there,
just cut it, get that out of there.
(audience laughing)
Stop it all from, it's rude, it makes everything gross.
I don't need that in my life.
It's uncouth, you know? I don't want to do it.
I don't sit down for an amazing Thanksgiving dinner,
stuff myself, and then stand up
and just throw gravy everywhere.
(audience laughing)
I don't wanna make a mess after something rad happens.
If something...
(audience laughing)
If something has to come out,
if something absolutely has to come out,
just put a little stick in my penis
with a flag on the end that says, "Bang."
How about that?
(audience laughing)