Well, you didn't go to Tennessee and we're going to talk to James. Hi, James,
how are you today?
I'm good, sir. How are you?
Rockin and bobbin. How many we help you? My friend.
Um, I started coming to, uh, reaching out to marriage helpers,
um, November of this last year. Um,
beginning of December, my wife and I separated, um,
due to certain issues. Um,
my wife and I had just actually moved. I just moved back in with my wife,
um, this weekend and in the process, my family has disowned me.
Um, this morning, my wife sent me a message, um,
basically telling me that, you know, what she's looking for as a partner,
um, someone who will discuss everything with her, um,
that I need to step up as a husband and as a father,
as a potential husband and a father. Um,
and what led to my wife and I separating for two months was,
um, my wife had a boyfriend who, um,
lied to the police and had me arrested.
And with me getting arrested a, um,
order of protection was put out. Um,
so my wife and I a couple of weeks ago,
started restarted talking after all of that was after we were allowed to start
talking again, you know,
I've literally just moved back in and she's already like,
I don't think we're going to work. I want to be civil. Like I,
I filed for divorce.
I just signed the paperwork on Friday for the,
um, reconciliation, um, to try and work through that.
You know, I, I don't, I don't know what
to do. You know, like I'm,
I'm the stay at home parent, you know, I work part-time, I go to school,
you know, I'm trying to take care of my kids.
I'm trying to be the husband that she wants. But my,
like what led to the conversation this morning was I told her I don't feel
comfortable with her talking to the,
the person that she had the affair with. And she's like,
he's my best friend that you're not, you know, you haven't been,
I'm not putting him out for you. And I don't know how to approach.
Let me ask you a question or two about your wife. If I may,
is your wife like a strong personality type person or not?
Yes and no. Um.
How long does it take her to make a decision?
If she has something in front of her,
how quickly does she react and make a decision? Um, most of her.
Decisions are based off of what she wants.
I understand that, but how quickly does she make them?
How rapidly does she make decisions? Very rapidly.
Okay. And she's pretty vocal about what she thinks and what she feels,
is that correct?
Depending on the situation. Yeah.
Okay. And, and,
but you are a guy who kind of thinks things through before you do things,
is that correct?
He's thinking about, sorry. Did I lose you?
Oh no, no. I said.
Yes, sir. Okay. Okay. I didn't hear you.
And so you are much like the couple that we were discussing when we first came
on the air at 1230, central time here, much, much like that.
The situation that you're looking at here is,
is kind of reverse from what many people have.
Where's the guy who is the stronger personality, if you will.
It doesn't mean you're weak. You're certainly not weak.
It's just that she's more forceful than you are. It doesn't mean she's better.
Doesn't mean she's worse. It's just that people are different.
And people like that. Sometimes you have to, um,
you have to speak their language. What I mean by that is that,
that you can remake a request.
Like I don't want you to talk to him and the kind of personality that she
appears to be based on what you're saying. Of course I haven't met her,
but based on what you're saying,
the kind of personality that she seems to be would very quickly respond. Well,
he's my best friend. You are not, I'm going to talk to him.
That would go with that kind of personality.
And then that leaves it up to you to make a decision one way or the other.
Either a, I accept that or B I don't accept that.
Now my understanding of waste based on what I'm hearing here is that you don't
want that to occur. That that's painful for you. Correct.
It's painful for me. And before she and I separated,
you know, she had told him once, Hey, you know,
I'm wanting to try and make this work with my husband. And he was like, Oh yeah,
that's fine. Hey, come over, hang out. You know, we'll have some friends over,
got her drunk. And then, you know, but, and I, I,
I used to be a very forceful personality.
Um, why did it change? Why did it change?
Uh, the,
in the past year I lost a really good job. Um,
my mother passed away from breast cancer. Like just,
it was one of those, I guess it's been one of those years where.
So you've lost competence, is that correct? You've lost competence in you.
Okay. Well, James, as we talk about this thing,
you understand that that what's going on here. First of all,
I'm I get a picture as to why his family is not happy,
because if indeed her boyfriend in quote,
lied about him and got him arrested, and those kinds of things happen. I mean,
I wouldn't be pretty ticked if I were a dad or a mom,
and that happened to one of my children.
And then my child wanted to go back to the person that made that happen so we
can see the family side. But while you want to listen to your family,
in the sense of knowing that they love you and they care about you,
but at the same time, understand that your family is also biased.
And that's not that that's not a bad thing. They're biased for you.
But that also means that the way they look at things are different. Now,
here's what I'm reading between the lines. Kimberly,
I'm making interpretation here and you can tell me if I'm overstepping.
It sounds to me like that. They think that he should be stronger,
that he should stand up. And that's why they're saying,
we're just owning you because they feel that there are things he needs to be
doing, like standing up to her, not going back like this, et cetera, et cetera.
And by his not doing that,
they're saying we just own you because they're trying to motivate him to do what
they think he should do. Does that sound like it might be happening?
Obviously there are different scenarios, but that's what it sounds like to me,
what it boils down to ultimately, James is what you want to do.
I hate that your mother died. I'm so sorry. I mean, that's a painful,
painful thing. My mother died just a few months ago as well.
But when it comes to what you're going to do here, my friend, it's either,
you're going to let her run over you, which if you want, you can,
or you can stand up and say, I know he's your best friend,
but if we have any hope of putting us back together, then,
then we can't have that continue. Now, if you're ready to make that stand,
then do. If you're not ready to make that stand,
then don't because if you make that kind of stand, you've got to back it.
You can't make it. And then back off of it, right?
Otherwise it's going to teach her that it doesn't matter what you say.
She can continue to do what she wants. You know, all of those things,
my thing that I thought of in this, um,
and just thinking about all of this happening, there's a lot of loss that,
that James has, has experienced with the job with, I mean, just everything.
That's a lot to handle. So having a good support system,
someone who is going to be there for you to encourage you,
even not to talk about your marriage stuff with,
but just someone that is there, I think would be a great, really great key here.
And then another thing is don't let the conversation happen through message.
You said that it started in, you know, talking to each other this morning,
but then you got a message from her saying that she thinks that you should be
this, that or the other, you know, have her say that to you and talk about it.
It doesn't need to happen through an email or a Facebook message or text,
whatever it was. That's not, I wouldn't respond through message.
If I got that in a message, I wouldn't respond to it.
There I'd wait until they got home. And I'd say, let's talk about this.
What did you mean by this? Right?
And so my friend, I'm sure you're a strong person. I don't know.
You may not feel strong right now based on all the things that have happened to
you in the last year. But at this point, my recommendation,
you do what you think is best for you. I don't know your wife.
I don't know you how we're just reacting to what you've said to us,
but my recommendation would be stand up and no don't be mean don't be mad,
don't yell and scream that doesn't accomplish anything but that,
that you were strong enough to take care of yourself and say,
this is acceptable. This is not now.
I recommend it to a previous caller to go find our,
if you go to a marriage helper.com, you can look for there,
just type in the word boundaries.
And there's an hour and 15 minute audio on our website somewhere.
And it can help you understand how to do this.
If you choose to do this. But again, it's your choice,
my friend. And I'm so sorry for the pain.
[Inaudible].