we didn’t have shows last week, which,
in the era of Donald Trump, is always risky,
because the news moves so fast.
At the end of five days off, we could be back
and been like, "Well, we’re back.
"President Trump and Vice President Flavor Flav
just announced that they will steal Seattle back from Mexico."
Thankfully, though, we didn’t miss too much last week.
But we did want to catch up with some fun Trump highlights,
starting with this one.
Last Wednesday, in a moment during an advisory board meeting
at the White House that was caught on camera,
President Trump called Apple CEO Tim Cook "Tim Apple."
I used to say, "Tim, you got to start doing it over here."
And you really have. I mean, you’ve really,
uh, put a big investment in our country.
We appreciate it very much, Tim Apple.
(laughter)
Tim Apple.
You know what I like about this one?
It’s just dumb. All right?
Yeah. It’s just a fun, dumb mistake that Trump made.
Or maybe, maybe this is just how he says names.
He calls you by what you do and your first name.
It’s Tim Apple. It’s, uh, Jeff Amazon.
It’s Jussie Unemployed, uh, you know?
And this should have been just a fun slip of the tongue.
We laugh, we move on.
But because Donald Compulsive Liar can’t let anything go,
this morning, he tweeted this.
"I referred to Tim and Apple
"as Tim/Apple as an easy way to save time
and words."
(laughter, applause)
Really, Donald?
Really? That’s what you were doing?
Well, allow me to save time and words.
Get (bleep) out here!
Like, you’re saving time
by saying a confusing sentence and then, days later,
tweeting a long explanation about it?
And, also, since when does Donald Trump care
about saving time, right?
No one wastes more time than Donald Trump.
He spends as much time on the golf course as Tiger Woods
and as much time on porn stars as Tiger Woods, okay?
So Trump wants us to believe that Tim Apple is fake news.
But there’s actually some fake news
that is plaguing the president right now.
It’s about Melania.
REPORTER: The fake Melania conspiracy is back
after the first lady’s visit to Alabama and Georgia this week.
The theory that Melania Trump had a body double
for public appearances began in 2017.
That was denied by fact-checkers.
Now though, again, Twitter users are comparing this
to other images, arguing it’s not the same woman,
but many also commenting lighting and makeup
are likely causes for the mistaken identity.
H...
How is this on the news?
How is this even a thing?
Of course, Melania looks a little different
on some days, all right?
She’s a person.
Every person looks different day to day.
This was me, like, two months ago, okay?
This was me three years ago, all right?
This was me yesterday,
when I found out J.Lo is engaged, okay?
(applause)
I look different...
I look different, because, clearly,
I’m so happy... for her...
and, like, the 20th best Yankee.
I’m very happy.
(sniffles)
I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.
I just--
I wanted A-Rod for myself.
(laughter)
So, please, guys, let’s stop with this whole
fake Melania business, all right, because it’s not true.
Although I will say this,
if you do zoom in on that picture,
there is something a little suspicious,
and that is that they’re holding hands.
-(applause) -So, on second thought, maybe fake Melania.
But conspiracy theories aside,
there’s another story that Trump wishes was fake news.
Remember, a few weeks ago, uh, when Robert Kraft,
Patriots owner and guy you always see naked
on a nude beach, got caught up in a Florida prostitution sting?
Well, it turns out Kraft’s happy ending
may lead to a sad one for Donald Trump.
There is a new twist to the prostitution scandal
involving Robert Kraft. The woman who once owned
the Florida massage parlor tied to that case
appears in a selfie with President Trump.
Here’s the picture. This is a picture of 45-year-old Li Yang
at a Super Bowl party that was hosted by the president
at his Mar-a-Lago resort in West Palm Beach,
and it was taken the day of the game.
Kraft and the president, as you know, are longtime friends
and they have socialized at the golf resort before.
This woman was at Mar-a-Lago with Trump.
All right, that’s just dangerous for both of them,
especially for her, because you never know
when Trump is gonna pull another Tim Apple, you know?
Might be just be like, "This is my friend Cindy Handjobspa."
(laughter, groaning, applause)
And...
And it’s not just...
It’s not just that she’s taking photos with the president.
It’s that she might be pimping him out, too.
MAN: Her name is Li Yang.
She goes by "Cindy."
She’s been spotted with the who’s who of the GOP,
including the president’s sons at Mar-a-Lago.
WOMAN: 45-year-old Li Yang runs a consulting business
that has offered to sell Chinese clients access
to the president and his family at Mar-a-Lago.
The company boasts that it has arranged
taking photos with the president,
and suggests it can set up a White House
and Capitol Hill dinner.
Goddamn, man. How does every scandal
somehow lead back to Donald Trump?
Like, this dude is like the Kevin Bacon of corruption.
-(laughter) -I’m serious.
Like, you could probably link Donald Trump
to Kevin Bacon just through scandals.
You go, uh, Kevin Bacon had money stolen
in a Ponzi scheme by Bernie Madoff, okay?
Uh, Madoff also stole money from Governor Eliot Spitzer.
And Spitzer was busted in a prostitution ring
after a tipoff from Roger Stone, who was just indicted
by Mueller in the investigation of Donald Trump.
-Boom! Four moves, baby. -(applause and cheering)
Four moves.
Everywhere you go.
And basically, that’s our world now.
A rich guy can’t get jerked off
without it somehow leading
to a possible Trump campaign violation.
So, even though President Trump never went
to that massage parlor, somehow they still (bleep) him.