- [Narrator] Imagine how obnoxious you have to be
as a human being if your day starts
by putting a red feather in your hair.
And that doesn't even crack the top ten list
of the most annoying shit you do.
Ezekiel delivers another one of his awful speeches
about the weather and smiling that nobody asked for.
And contrary to what the showrunners may believe,
slowly zooming in on his face
does not make the speech any better.
I don't understand how it's possible,
but it somehow makes it worse.
At least Ezekiel understands they need to
kill all these bad guys,
an email Jesus apparently seems to have missed.
Alright, group hug everybody.
I've got a great feeling about this.
Oh no, looks like King Zeke lost some of his ranks.
Think he lost all of his ranks.
Who knew that knee pads
and flowers don't stop high caliber bullets?
Oh this guy only has two huge holes in his back.
Better flip him over just to double check.
Not so smiley now are you Zeke?
Anyone can smile with a tiger by your side.
The real test is being able to smile
when your scooting your ass away
from a couple dosen of your undead friends.
Nice knowing you nameless dudes loading up guns.
Carol's in the building and she makes Liam Neeson
look like a cocker spaniel on Xanax.
I wonder how she's gonna murder them.
Huh, I did not guess she'd be hiding out in the ceiling
and apparently, neither did they.
Wow, this guy sure looks like a creepy sex offender.
It's like one of those high school movies
where the nerdy girl takes off her glasses
and instantly she's hot.
Only this guy puts on his glasses
and instantly looks like the kind of man
who will kill you and have sex with your corpse
on a pile of finger nail clippings
while listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack.
This doesn't seem like the most opportune moment
to slowly march through a field, talking shit.
Creepy sex offender guy is showing zero hustle
at a time when he should be showing
at least a moderate amount of hustle.
You know considering the wall of zombies behind him
and the unaccounted for tiger on the loose.
But I do have to give him credit.
This was a pretty sick burn.
You got 'em all killed, they're still following ya.
- [Narrator] Nice one creepy sex offender guy.
Carol passed up a perfect opportunity to shoot these dudes
and got out-Caroled by some guys
I'm shocked she didn't know were hiding behind a car
with assault rifles.
Alright, think Carol.
Hide out behind this bullet-proof truck
until the heat dies down.
Creepy sex offender guy makes the rookie villain mistake
of using the time he should be killing
to slowly outline the many unimportant details of his plan.
Details that include, but are not limited to,
disrupting Negan's obvious symmetry.
Ezekiel is trying to recreate one
of Kendall Jenner's most popular Instagram posts.
And Jerry with one of the most satisfying kills
in the history of this or any show.
Slice.
Later Whitmer Thomas.
This actor's name is Whitmer Thomas.
He's a comedian and he's really funny
and you should check him out.
He doesn't wear those glasses in real life.
Attentive viewers of this show
as well as people who were reading
my bad recap articles last season
will remember that Fat Joey of the Saviors died
when Daryl escaped.
Which meant Skinny Joey would now just be known as Joey.
Well, now it looks like the last remaining adult man
who still wants to be referred to as Joey
like some kind of child is also dead.
So to review, first we had two Joeys, then one Joey,
now we're down to zero Joeys.
Welcome to season eight of The Walking Dead.
It's mostly just counting Joeys at this point.
Please don't kill Jerry.
Usually when a character does this much likable stuff
in an episode, it means we're about to say goodbye forever.
Is it a cheap trick to make the weight
of their death feel more intense for the viewer?
You bet. Does it work every time?
Sure does.
Because we're dumb.
If we were smart, we'd be reading books on Sunday.
But instead I'm getting choked up
hearing Jerry say dude twice and I haven't read a full book
in three years.
Please use the comments to let me know
the last time you read a full book.
I'm actually very curious about this.
And yes, I do read all your comments.
Carol has been counting these dudes' bullets
and she's ready to negotiate.
Come out with your hands up and she'll only jam some
of these keys up your ass before stabbing you in the brain.
Aw, shucks, Carol has a real dilemma on her hands.
Does she bail out a couple of dying idiots
or shoot these two strangers in the face?
Those are two of her favorite hobbies.
Nobody told her today would be this tough.
These time jumps are annoying. I don't like them.
And I get what they're going for, I do.
I went to college to earn a useless degree
in media studies, I fucking get it.
But just doing something doesn't make it good or artsy.
Sometimes it's just bad, like these stupid
and very bad time jumps.
In general the episodes this season feel
like they were edited by a 10-year-old
jacked up on Adderall and some new flavor of Mountain Dew.
And while that's probably a rockin' good time
for the 10-year-old, it's giving me a fucking headache.
Wow, just when I'm ready to give up on this show,
they go and do something like this
and drive their way right back into my heart.
I have not laughed this hard in a very long time.
It was awesome.
There's just so much to love.
Ricky G driving directly into gunfire.
The dude driving the car deciding now's a good time
to take his eyes off the road.
Rick's car finally taking the most minimal amount
of damage from these enormous bullets.
Daryl dusting himself off 10 seconds after getting
in a very serious motorcycle wreck.
And the cherry on top of it all.
Rick Grimes effortlessly jumping
between moving cars and stabbing this dude
in the tummy before crashing his car.
Then crawling up the hill to say what up to Daryl,
only to announce they should probably head back down
that hill to see just how dead that guy is.
Ezekiel must be in pretty bad shape.
His real voice just leaked.
This ain't gonna work.
- [Narrator] Keep it down, Your Highness.
You're gonna make Jerry cry.
You wouldn't like him when he cries, it's super sad.
No one likes it when Jerry cries.
It's looking like curtains for old Zeke.
And Shiva shows up to save him
from these very gross mutant sewer zombies.
I really love seeing her whip one last zombie
up in the air like the world's biggest cat toy.
This was also sad like, oddly sad.
In a very weird way, it might be
the saddest death on the show.
And considering we're talking about a poorly CGI-ed tiger,
that really speaks volumes about how unlikeable
some of these humans have been.
I'm speaking of course
mostly about Lori.
Also, here's a fun Easter egg.
For anyone who turned on closed captioning
during this scene.
(melancholy music)
Just kidding, it didn't say that.
But it should have.
I'm available to write closed captions for the show
and my rates are very reasonable.
Sorry, gang, but only people who have had lines
of dialogue survived.
Shiva doesn't count.
Ezekiel sure does have some explaining to do.
And he'll get around to it tomorrow.
Right now it's nap time for the king.
Nobody doth dare to tread heavily
and disturb his royal slumber hour.
Tune in next week.
Will we finally learn what Father Gabriel's been up to?
Father who?
Are we sure that's a character on the show?
I don't even recognize that name at this point.
What adventures will Daryl and Rick get into next?
They're going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Is Shiva actually dead?
Don't be ridiculous, of course she's not.
She very clearly slid under a dumpster at the last second.
None of this and more next time on The Walking Dead.