Geoddo?
You really can't name one ninja turtle?
I was more into Popples.
Ugh!
And She-Ra!
Eh...
Even April O'Neil would have been acceptable.
You know, you don't really see a lot of reporters in yellow jump suits anymore...
So, Dan-atello,
Soren- Leonardo,
and Mike Mike Mike.
Okay, what's the fourth one, I'll be the fourth one!
Okay, no one else finds that unsettling?!
Michael, it's the natural cadence of her voice, she can't control it.
Not her voi... you don't like it?
So, we all have a different favorite Ninja Turtle, so...?
So?! You're favorite Ninja Turtle is a reflection of who you are!
Favorite GI Joe?
(Soren and Daniel) Snake Eyes.
Favorite X-Man?
(Soren and Daniel) Wolverine.
Power Ranger?
(Awkward sputtering.)
(Soren and Daniel) Green, then white after season two.
Always the same. But the turtles are unique, ‘cause everybody picks a different favorite.
Oo! Ghiberti!
No! But I admire your persistence.
It didn't matter which one was coolest, or which one you wanted to be like, you picked the turtle that was like you.
Soren, you like Leonardo ‘cause he’s honor-bound and loyal.
(Leonardo) We've got to save him from his own destructiveness!
I like Michelangelo ‘cause he’s reckless and hilarious.
And Dan, you like Donatello ‘cause he’s a nerd and he’s open to sex with electronics.
First of all, “does machines” isn't literal.
Second of all, it was a foot massager that I got for my birthday and I told you all of that a thousand times.
And not one of us ever asked.
It’s a foot massager.
Classic Donatello. See, your favorite turtle influences the type of person you’re going to grow into.
What other cartoon can you say that about?
Okay, come on, just tell me who the fourth one is!
Impulsive, quick tempered...
Mm...
Could use a little more cool, a little less rude.
Gimme a break.
Hey!
What?
That is exactly what Raphael would say.
Oohh, Raphael, the sensitive one.
“When he was alive, nature was afraid to be won by him, and when he died she wanted to die herself.”
No, Raphael would never pull some bullshit like that.
Ugh, okay, I will concede that the Ninja Turtle selection is seminal to young boys,
but it’s not like the writers came up with that themselves, I mean the four humors have been around for centuries.
No one knows what you’re talking about.
Okay, the story behind the four humors basically says that inside every person there are fluids.
Blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm; making up the four temperaments.
Those temperaments? Those that you just described in each of the Ninja Turtles.
Donatello is...?
Shy and pragmatic. Michelangelo’s impulsive, Raphael is sensitive, and Leonardo is ambitious.
Turtle power.
Wow.
Thank you.
No, I’m just surprised that there’s actually proof behind one of Michael’s arguments.
Thank you.
That’s not- I’m not complimenting either one of you.
They really ought to have had female counterparts for the Turtles. You know, like...
Sex in the City.
What?
You watch Sex in the City?
Absolutely. I like to keep my finger on the pulse of all pseudo-porn for women.
I gotta know what I’m up against. Seriously though, those girls,
their personalities are exact tracings of the Ninja Turtles.
If one of them does machines, I’m stopping at Blockbuster on the way home.
One of them does everything. She’s the slut.
I’ll walk.
Well, he’s in for a disappointing evening.
Okay, so how do they match up?
Carrie Bradshaw is literal and intellectual, very much like Donatello.
Then there’s Charlotte, who believes in duty before self, like Leonardo.
Miranda is a fiery redhead with a loner streak, and finally there’s Samantha,
the impulsive whore slash jokester with nothing to lose. AKA, the guy who still has a Blockbuster card.
Oh what? You just assume ‘cause I’m a girl that I would...
Yeah... he’s... he’s right.
I mean, they are the Ninja Turtles. Except instead of katanas and nun-chucks,
their weapons are a pen, a marriage, a baby, and sex, respectively.
They do spend an awful lot of time on their backs...
Alright, so, these girls couldn't be any more different from one another.
In all respects, they should absolutely hate one another, and yet they hang out. Why?
Maybe it’s because these personalities are drawn to one another. Maybe, in fact, they even depend on one another.
I mean, think about other groups of four.
Scooby-Doo.
Seinfeld.
The Beatles.
The Fantastic Four. I mean, even-
Bratz!
Oh, so Soren’s allowed to know all about Sex in the City but I can’t know the idiosyncrasies of the Bratz universe?
Sure.
Yes.
No, that wasn't a question, I’m agreeing with you. That makes sense to me.
Well, I was gonna say us. And nowhere is it more pure than in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
I mean that show wasn't just creating characters that kids could latch onto,
it was teaching kids the primary colors of personality that they would have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
So is that really porn for women?
(Soren) It’s pseudo-porn, it’s not what you think. It’s just a bunch of people in boring situations where sometimes nudity happens.
(Daniel) I’m not gonna lie, that sounds amazing.
(From Michael’s TV) Woman our age shouldn't joke about vitamins.
-Women who are not our age shouldn't say “Women our age.”
-I am leading the way through the menopause maze. With my vitamins, my melatonin sleep patches, my bioidentical estrogen cream...
(The sound of Michael destroying his TV...)