>>>
>>> WELCOME BACK. LETTING GO OF A GRUDGE, EVEN
THOSE LONG AGO, HURTS, IT IS
NOT EASY.
NOT EASY.
NOT EASY. THAT CAN DAMAGE OUR MENTAL AND
PHYSICAL HEALTH.
PHYSICAL HEALTH. HERE TO HELP US LET IT GO IS
BEHAVIORAL EXPERT DR. GREGORY
JANTZ.
JANTZ.
JANTZ. >>
JANTZ. >> GRUDGES.
>> GRUDGES. >> THEY HANG ON.
>> WE JUMP RIGHT INTO IT.
>> DO THEY SERVE A PURPOSE?
>> WRETCHES CAUSE US TO FEEL
POWERFUL.
POWERFUL.
POWERFUL. A GRUDGE IS, I HAVE BEEN HURT
AND I DON'T WANT TO LET GO OF
IT.
IT.
IT. THAT
IT. THAT FEELS POWERFUL.
YOU HAVE HEARD THE SAYING, I AM
DRINKING THE POISON THINKING IT
IS HURTING THE OTHER PERSON BUT
IT IS REALLY ONLY HURTING ME.
>> THEY MAY NOT EVEN BE AWARE
OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE
HURT.
HURT.
HURT. BY
HURT. BY THE WAY, WE ARE ALL HUMAN
BEINGS AND WE HAVE ALL BEEN
HURT.
HURT.
HURT. LET
HURT. LET ME ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SOME
HURTS ARE DEEP.
WHEN WE THINK ABOUT A GRUDGE,
HOW CAN WE EVER FORGIVE IT
SEEMS OVERWHELMING.
SEEMS OVERWHELMING. >> PART OF IT IS MAY BE
MISUNDERSTANDING WHAT WE ARE
TALKING ABOUT WHEN WE SAY
LETTING GO OF A GRUDGE.
I FEEL LIKE THAT IS DIFFERENT
THAN SAYING WHATEVER HAPPENED
IS OKAY AND WE ARE COOL NOW.
WHAT IS IT TO LET GO OF IT
GRUDGE.
GRUDGE.
GRUDGE. >> A GRUDGE CAN LEAD US TO
RESENTMENTS AND LEAD US TO BE
BETTER.
BETTER.
BETTER. A
BETTER. A GRUDGE MEANS I HAVE BEEN
INJURED AND I AM STILL CARRYING
THAT WOUND.
THAT WOUND. THAT WORD FORGIVENESS MAY NOT
BE THE MOST POPULAR WORD, BUT
HOW DO I FORGIVE?
WHAT IS THE ANTIDOTE TO A
GRUDGE?
GRUDGE?
GRUDGE? >> WHAT IS IT?
>> ULTIMATELY, I HAVE TO GET TO
A PLACE WHERE THIS NO LONGER
HAS POWER.
HAS POWER. THINK ABOUT IT.
FORGIVENESS IS THE GREATEST
GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF.
WE REALLY DO HAVE TO DETACH BY
WHATEVER OR WHOEVER INJURED US.
I DON'T MEAN THE SMALL ONES.
ULTIMATELY, A GALLUP POLL
SHOWED 94% OF US BELIEVE THAT
FORGIVING IS REALLY IMPORTANT.
ONLY ABOUT 48% OF US SAY WE
ACTUALLY EVEN TRY.
WE DON'T EVEN TRY.
>> THAT IS INTERESTING.
>> ALTHOUGH IT IS POISON, WE
LIKE THAT FEELING.
>> THAT FEELING OF BEING THE
VICTIM OF INJUSTICE.
YOU FEEL RIGHTEOUS.
WHEN WE SAY FORGIVING, DOES IT
INVOLVE DEALING WITH THAT
PERSON AT ALL?
IS THIS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ON
YOUR OWN?
YOUR OWN?
YOUR OWN? >> THERE ARE TWO STRATEGIES.
ONE IS, IF I AM WITH A PERSON
OR IF I HAD A PERSON THAT HAS
REALLY INJURED ME AND IT MAY
NOT BE SAFE GOING TO THAT
PERSON, I COULD BE REINJURED.
IT COULD BE SEPARATE FROM THAT
PERSON.
PERSON.
PERSON. THERE ARE OTHER TIMES WHERE A
PERSON HAS INJURED US AND WE
CAN GO TO THEM AND SAY WE WERE
REALLY HURT BY THAT.
MARGARET, THAT REALLY INJURED
ME.
ME.
ME. WE
ME. WE HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT
AND WE HAVE SUCCESS IN
FORGIVING ONE ANOTHER.
>> OR MAYBE NOT.
>> OR MAYBE NOT.
WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO BRING IT
UP AND TALK ABOUT IT.
>> I HAVE ALSO HEARD OF PEOPLE
WHO HOLD THE GRUDGE HORRY HURT
FROM A PARENT OR SOMEONE WHO IS
ACTUALLY GONE AND YOU NEED TO
UNBURDEN.
UNBURDEN.
UNBURDEN. >> IT IS HARD TO SAY.
I HAVE BEEN WITH CLIENTS BEFORE
AND WE HAVE BEEN ADDED A
TOMBSTONE OR A GRAVESITE AND
THEY READ A LETTER TO DESCRIBE
THE IMPACT OF THE INJURY.
THAT LETTER HAS ENDED IN TEARS.
IT SAYS, I FORGIVE YOU.
I AM MAKING THE DECISION TO GO
ON WITH MY LIFE.
THINK ABOUT IT.
IF WE DON'T FORGIVE, WE LOOK TO
THE LENS OF BITTERNESS AT THE
WORLD.
WORLD.
WORLD. THAT DISTORTS OUR REALITY.
WE ARE PROBABLY NOT TRUSTING.
WE ARE PROBABLY HYPERSENSITIVE.
IT HAS REALLY INJURED US.
>> IN TERMS OF THE PHYSICAL
AILMENTS THAT CAN COME FROM
THAT, WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?
>> THERE ARE FASCINATING STUDIES
THAT ARE ONGOING AS WE LOOK AT
FORGIVENESS OR LACK OF
FORGIVENESS.
FORGIVENESS. WE KNOW, FOR EXAMPLE, IF I
FORGIVE, IT CAN INCREASE MY
SEROTONIN LEVELS.
SEROTONIN LEVELS. SEROTONIN IS THE SLEEP
CHEMICAL, I USED TO WORK IN
SLEEP RESEARCH.
SLEEP RESEARCH. IT HAS TO DO WITH MOOD.
LACK OF FORGIVENESS AFFECTS
SLEEP AND SLEEP STAGES.
IT ALSO RAISES THE LEVEL OF
OXYTOCIN.
OXYTOCIN.
OXYTOCIN. THERE ARE A LOT OF BENEFITS.
WE KNOW A PERSON THAT IS
UNFORGIVING HAS A LOT OF
CORTISOL, WHICH IS NOT HELPFUL.
>> THAT IS THE STRESS HORMONE.
>> THERE IS A PHYSICAL IMPACT.
>> I COULD TRY TO TALK MYSELF
THROUGH THIS, IT SEEMS LIKE A
GOOD THING TO SEE A THERAPIST
ABOUT, EVEN IF IT IS A SHORT-
TERM THING.
TERM THING. >> MARGARET, THERE ARE TIMES
WHERE IT IS SIMPLY OVERWHELMING.
IF YOU ARE TOLD, YOU SHOULD
FORGIVE, YOU MAY GET ANGRY
ABOUT THAT.
ABOUT THAT. >> YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO
START.
START.
START. >>
START. >> YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
THEY DID TO ME.
I THINK THERE ARE TIMES WHERE
IT IS SO BIG, YOU REALLY NEED
SOMEONE THAT FIRST OF ALL, CAN
REALLY HELP GO THROUGH THE
DIFFERENT STEPS.
DIFFERENT STEPS. IT IS NOT A ONE-TIME THING.
I THINK FORGIVENESS IS A
DECISION THAT IS A ME DECISION.
ONE OF THE GREATEST ONES YOU
CAN MAKE.
CAN MAKE.
CAN MAKE. WE WANT TO BE KNOWN AS A
FORGIVING PEOPLE.
FORGIVING PEOPLE. FORGIVING PEOPLE HAVE MORE
GRATITUDE.
GRATITUDE. >> IN GENERAL.
WE ARE NOT SAYING IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.
>> IT DOES MATTER.
>> I THINK THAT IS WHERE WE GET
HUNG UP.
HUNG UP.
HUNG UP. WE THINK IF WE FORGIVE, WE ARE
JUST SAYING THAT NONE OF IT
MATTERED.
MATTERED.
MATTERED. IT DOES MATTER.
>> YES, IT DOES.
IT DOES NOT MEAN