Coming up next on the passion struck podcast.
If you're unlike most people, the very thought of forgiving someone who has hurt you probably
seems like the last thing on earth you want to do.
This doesn't make you resentful.
It just makes you human forgiveness is difficult because evolution has taught us to avoid being
exploited by others.
And one of the easiest ways to avoid exploitation is to retaliate or simply avoid the offender
choosing to forgive someone who has hurt you can free you from the pain caused by others.
Consequently, unforgiveness can shackle you to your past, robbing you of peace and joy.
Welcome to passion struck.
Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips and guidance
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Now, let's go out there and become passion struck.
We all make missteps.
It's part of human nature and seeing as no one is perfect, we've all likely been wronged
at different points of our lives, these offenses can leave lasting impacts.
Therefore, it can be tough to say and truly mean the words I forgive you.
Choosing to forgive is not straightforward because of the internal conflict between the
moral values of justice and forgiveness.
the granting of forgiveness is at odds with the desire for justice.
And this cognitive dissonance makes forgiving, challenging.
Generally, psychology defines forgiveness as a conscious deliberate decision to release
feelings of resentment or vengeance to a person or group who has harmed you whether or not
they actually deserve your forgiveness.
According to Wikipedia forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process of changing
feelings and attitudes towards the offender and then overcoming the offenses impact including
negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance, however justified it may be it is an essential
virtue to put into practice if we desire wholesome and intentional lives.
In today's episode, I will be diving deep into the topic of forgiveness and exploring
it through behavioral and neuroscience, I will enlighten you on the need to forgive
and show five practical steps you can use to increase your capacity to forgive the Forgiveness
Project tells the stories of the people who have been hurt and offended by others parents,
friends, family members and strangers alike who have learned how to forgive a few that
shared their stories include Charlie writer who was physically and verbally abused by
his father as a child, all Koehler who was savagely attacked in his own house, Simon
Wilson, who was the victim of a hit and run car crash that left him disabled and Anne
Marie Hagen's father was brutally murdered by a schizophrenic neighbor.
All these people struggled with forgiving their offenders and in the case of being the
offenders forgiving themselves, but through the projects intervention, they've come to
accept that they needed forgiveness at different points for each.
The journey towards forgiveness didn't come easy is they experienced varying emotions
from anger, to rage, to sadness, bitterness, self pity, seeking revenge, to fear and so
on, and only some have made it to that exact place of wholeness through forgiveness individually,
we can all relate to times when we've felt that we've been offended whether in seemingly
little ways, like someone cutting the line in front of us or grievous ways, like someone
causing physical harm to a loved one or us in these everyday cases, forgiving the offender
can be very difficult, but it can be done.
So now let's explore the neuro psychology of forgiveness for a very long time.
Forgiveness was viewed through the disciplines of religion and philosophy, but now it is
being scientifically studied.
Researchers recently discovered a link between forgiveness and the brain's structural and
metabolic features.
While the brain structure in relation to forgiveness is intriguing.
The brain's metabolic function and how it pertains to forgiveness provides an entirely
new level of comprehension a 2013 study employed functional magnetic resonance imaging fMRI
to examine the cortical effective conductivity and regional brain activity related to forgiveness
and unforgiveness, volunteers were asked to either forgive their imaginary attacker stoke
animosity and or imagined revenge after engaging in scripted mental imagery of personal transgression.
The study found that forgiveness was associated with positive emotional states compared to
unforgiveness forgiveness was linked with activations in the brain network involved
in empathy in controlling mood through cognition.
The different brain structures linked to a prospect city to forgive raises the possibility
that forgiveness is a personality characteristic that people are born with.
Furthermore, the tendency to forgive is correlated with changes in metabolic brain activity,
which suggests that this attribute may change throughout a person's lifetime and can be
directly influenced by varying life experiences with people whichever the case may be.
Forgiveness is an attribute that can be learned as proven in the research of Dr. Fred Luskin
of Stanford University and the author of forgive for good professor Robert Enright, a psychologist
at the University of Wisconsin and a pioneer in the study of forgiveness emphasizes that
forgiveness is more than just letting go or moving on.
He says true forgiveness goes a step further by offering something positive empathy, compassion,
understanding towards the person who hurt you, that element makes forgiveness, a virtue
and a powerful construct in positive psychology.
So why is it so hard for us to forgive saying I forgive you in meaning it are two entirely
different things.
When we are hurt by someone it can cause anger, hurt, and confusion when you dwell on painful
events or situations resentment, vengeance and hate can take root.
This is further complicated by additional factors, which include the level of pain the
offense causes the unrepentant of the offender, the offender and the offended relationship,
the fear that others will perceive you as being weak, as well as the fear of being hurt
again, considering all these factors, people are more inclined to harbor a grievance and
refuse to forgive the person or people who cause the grudge.
But even if you're a grudge holder, you can learn to be more forgiving.
So why do we need to forgive we are all imperfect people with individual shortcomings.
I often hear the quote people who hurt or others the wounds from an offense can leave
you with feelings of bitterness, anger, as well as vengeance, all negative emotions that
can hurt you more.
Experts concur that true forgiveness entails the letting go of strongly held negative feelings
even though some disagree over whether it necessitates favorable thoughts towards the
offender.
This allows you to acknowledge the hurt that you've been through without it, defining who
you are allowing you to heal and move on in your life.
But you need to realize that if you don't put forgiveness into action, you are most
likely the one who will suffer the most.
You must learn to forgive and let go of the bitterness for your emotional, physical and
spiritual well being.
In a nutshell, giving forgiveness does the following it enables healthier relationships.
It improves mental health.
It reduces anxiety, stress and hostility.
It improves physical health, self esteem, and so many other things.
So now that we've gone through why people resent forgiving and why we need to forgive,
let's go through five ways that you can increase your capacity to forgive experts who research
or teach forgiveness make it quite clear that doing so does not minimize or downplay the
gravity of an offence committed against you.
Forgiveness does not imply forgetting nor does it excuse or justify wrongdoings, so
it is normal for you to get angry and harbor resentment for the offender.
Well forgiving someone helps mend a broken relationship.
It doesn't compel you to absolve them of the responsibility for their actions.
Forgiveness is not a quick and easy thing to do.
It's a process with many steps and often occurred nonlinearly however, as difficult as it is,
forgiveness is well worth the effort.
The following are five practical steps that you can employ to increase your capacity to
forgive first, acknowledge the pain that you feel and express your emotions in healthy
ways.
The first step to forgiving someone is to accept the depth of the hurt that they have
caused you don't pretend that you're not hurt or tried to just numb the pain.
If you do this, you simply won't be able to address the harm that they've caused.
You no matter how free you might try to convince yourself that you are you will still hold
the baggage of the hurt somewhere within you.
You simply can't wish it away.
You have to come to terms with it.
ality of what happened after fully acknowledging the depth of your heart and expressing your
pain in healthy ways.
As I talked about in a previous episode, you can properly begin the journey to truly forgiving
your offender.
Second, be empathetic and understanding.
Scientists have investigated the neurological processes that are involved in forgiveness.
They have found that when people correctly picture forgiving someone, in a hypothetical
setting their neural pathways for empathy become more active.
This demonstrates how empathy and forgiveness are related and it is a crucial step in the
process of forgiving someone recognizing the wrongdoers humanity and the need to show kindness,
compassion and love, despite their actions is what forgiveness is all about.
They don't have to deserve it for you to forgive because in some cases, the offender might
not even be remorseful for their actions, but forgiving them will loosen the grip that
they hold on you.
Forgiveness is simply a gift you give to them and ultimately to yourself.
Third, change your perception perspective is everything for it determines the realities
of life.
In a previous episode that I did on changing your perspectives for the better, I broadly
discussed the impact that your perception has on your reality situations are simply
what they are, but how you perceive them.
And their impact is something that only you get to choose.
By changing how you view the harm that was done to you.
You can find meaning in the pain, you could use your story to heal someone else or by
forgiving the offender unconditionally, help that offender change for good, don't let your
pain go to waste, channel it into something positive and you will gain the strength that
you need to let go of the offense.
Fourth, focus on your future speaker coach and author Tony Robbins said where focus goes,
energy flows.
What you keep your attention on is the very thing that will get most of your energy and
shape your reality.
If you focus on harmful situations, you will continue to relive them and end up even more
bitter, sad, frustrated and angry.
The only way to move beyond your pain is to keep your attention on the future.
I am not saying that you have to forget an offense that was committed against you.
My emphasis here is on shifting your attention from that memory to positive thoughts about
the future.
The past is simply the past and you can either permit it to linger or choose to move forward.
Make your mind up today to keep your eyes fixed on what is ahead and let go of your
limiting past and fifth seek support.
As I earlier said forgiving someone can be a really difficult thing to do.
And there are times when you might need support and encouragement from others you don't have
to go it alone on this journey.
You can use the assistance of other people who have been on similar journeys and are
more knowledgeable on how to go about it.
Talk to someone who you've discovered is compassionate, such as a person from your local church, a
mental health professional, a loved one or a friend who you can trust to be objective
and understanding of your particular situation.
You can also consider counseling or joining a support group.
Whichever way just make sure that you find support and help when you realize that you
need it.
When discussing the topic of forgiveness, we often focus on the forgiveness that one
person gives another but a vital aspect of forgiveness that is less talked about is self
forgiveness.
There are times when we all find ourselves doing things that we are not proud of and
where we have hurt others.
It is normal to feel regret, guilt and shame but we mustn't remain in that state.
Most of us struggle to forgive ourselves and oftentimes begin to self loathing.
This hatred of oneself could lead to physical harm, overeating, over sleeping, abusing alcohol
or drugs and other self punishing behavior.
Therefore, you must acknowledge this reality and take conscious steps towards forgiving
yourself.
Reflect on what you did, be remorseful for it.
Make amends to the person that you've hurt and renew yourself to engage in more positive
and kind behaviors.
When you do this.
You can genuinely forgive yourself and get all the attached benefits to your physical,
emotional, spiritual and overall well being.
So I've covered a lot today.
So let me sum this up after former South African President Nelson Mandela was released from
prison having served for 27 years for his role in fighting for the rights and equality
of abuse people.
He said, As I walked out the door towards the gate that would lead to my freedom.
I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind I would still be in prison.
Mandela knew that choosing not to forgive would keep him stuck in the past and prevent
him from moving forward.
What happened to him was out of his control, but his response and the forgiveness that
He showed was within his control.
Understandably, most of us don't want to have to forgive because it brings back the pain
and makes us confront our scars.
But if we desire an intentional life, it requires that we forgive, we can only find healing,
peace and the freedom to carry on living an intentional life.
If we forgive one another, and ourselves forgiving someone else, or yourself will undoubtably
take time.
But make sure that you continue on on this journey until you're able to reach that point
of forgiveness.
No matter how hard it may seem to be.
No offense is to grievous to forgive.
And there is no time when it is too late to forgive.
You can even still forgive someone who's not alive, make a conscious decision to forgive
today and step into the wholeness that is awaiting you.
I hope that you all enjoy that show.
And I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week, and of course, everyone who listened
to today's episode, thank you so much.
You're about to hear a preview of a very special, passionate spark podcast that I did with Robin
Sharma who is a multiple time number one New York Times best selling author, one of the
top five most impactful performance coaches in the world and a highly regarded speaker
and we discuss his new book, The Everyday Hero manifesto.
The Everyday Hero manifesto is a manifesto or a manual
to help people who might be feeling stuck, let go of victimhood and show leadership and
be productive and be creative and make those micro pieces of progress that over time lead
to a tsunami of change.
Remember, we rise by lifting others so share the show with those that you love and care
about and if you found today's episode useful, please share it with someone else who can
use my advice that I gave today on forgiveness.
In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live
what you listen and until next time, live life passion struck