The topic that we have to
work on today right now is, does
trial separation really work?
My name is Paul Friedman. I founded The
Marriage Foundation
and I'm very familiar with trial
separations because I used to be a
divorce
mediator. And interestingly,
you'll find this not amusing but you'll
find this
insightful. A lot of the clients who came
to me
were referred to me by
therapists who suggested a trial
separation. It's true
and yet here they were with a divorce
mediator.
And what that told me, it wasn't hard for
me to figure it out because I had a lot
of these clients,
is that the trial separation
was, I hate to use the word gimmick
and I hate to use the word scam
but it wasn't honest. It wasn't.
What happened was, and the therapists
know this,
that when you do a trial separation
what you're doing is you're doing a
separation
and you're seeing how that goes. So
there's nothing included in the
phraseology that says
separation to catch your breath so you
could get back together.
So a trial separation works
if you want to be separated permanently.
I never heard of anyone, anyone who got
back together
after a trial separation. So, does it work?
You know I started to think that
one of the couple wanted out and so they
said to the therapist
privately, "I just can't stand my
spouse anymore.
I got to get out but I don't want to
break her heart or break his heart.
How can we do this?" And the therapist
and they always act so cool, said, "Well,
what a lot of couples do is
they try a trial
separation and it's like a wink,
and a nod," and that's how they come about.
So here's the thing, if you're the one
who's actually
asking this question chances are it's
your spouse
who is sort of coming up with the idea
that they don't want to be with you
anymore. But
it doesn't work to bring your marriage
back together
and it's terrible especially if you have
children,
trial separation causes so much
stress for the kids. It's not a stress
reliever
because the kids do not do well
when you separate. Many years ago,
I was friends with a couple and
the wife was not happy with her husband
and she pulled me aside one day said, "Hey
Paul,
I love
David," let's use the word David, "...but it's
not working out for me
but I'm concerned about," I don't want to
mention the daughter's name,
"...and what do you think I should do?" And I
said, "Well,
what you really should do is wait until
at least
she goes off to college so that
her environment isn't so disrupted.
Because otherwise her grades are going
to plummet.
She's going to have problems with her
friends.
She's going to be exposed to all sorts
of temptation because both you and David
are going to be
busy, very busy, too busy to be a parent."
She took my advice and then I also said,
"Look,
read my book Breaking the Cycle," at that
time
that's all I had was Breaking the Cycle
and Lessons for Happy Marriage. I said
"Read the book.
See if it helps you a little." They're
still together today.
Now that was like 10 years ago.
Their kid is out of college now.
Everything's going
really well for them because what they
did
instead of a trial separation
was they chose to work on their marriage
but not work on their marriage
because that is not how you heal your
marriage.
You don't heal your marriage by working
on your marriage. I know that sounds
crazy
but it's true because
there's only two of you in a marriage. So
what you
really have to work on in order for you
to heal your marriage
is you have to work on yourself. Don't
even worry about your partner.
You just work on yourself. How?
Okay, in their case, my book was enough
but if you're already talking about a
trial separation
the book isn't enough. You got to get
depending on whether you're the husband
or wife,
the course for men or the course for
women.
You got to really learn about yourself.
Learn about what it is that you're not
doing
and what you are doing those are
important
but I'm going to tell you
it's a secret to the world but it's not
a secret to us
at The Marriage Foundation. And by the
way, you should definitely subscribe to
this channel.
Just hit the subscribe button
now because our view on marriage is so
different. What's the secret?
It shouldn't be a secret. The secret is
that habits are really hard to break.
Is that a secret? No, but what does it
mean in terms of healing your marriage.
What it means is that if you're not able
to change
your thinking, change those
habits of thought, those thought habits.
In other words, the reactions that you
have
to different outer stimulation or
reactions that you have even to your own
thoughts.
If you don't change your very thinking
any changes that you might make
will be temporary at best because
habits are in layers.
You just have that surface
layer which
the surface layer of habits is something
happens. You have an automatic reaction
to it.
It's like you see a kid
walking next to the road. You
automatically slow the car down.
It's automatic. You don't even have to
think about it
that's a surface reaction, that's a very
good reaction.
Underneath that surface
are other habit thoughts like the habit
of being aware of children. The habit
of being cautious. The habit of slowing
down your car. There's all of these
underneath habits. They come in layers
but the habit thoughts that you have
that are hurting your marriage
that have to go like the habit of
reacting with anger.
Maybe you have that, the habit of arguing
over small things.
The habit of being critical. Did you know
you're never supposed to be critical in
your marriage? I mean never.
The habit of giving a
negative look, raising your voice.
These are habits. You can't just be told,
"Stop raising your voice." You can't just
be told,
"Stop being critical." It won't work.
You have to change your thinking. And so
in our courses
for men and for women, the first thing
that we work on
which nobody else does are these habits.
We work on the mind. You have to.
There is no other way. Think about it.
It's logical
and no one does. Now the truth is we
should have been learning these things
growing up.
We should have been learning as we're
kids
that our mind is ours. It's a possession
and we're supposed to control it. We're
supposed
to control our inner reactions not just
our
outer reactions. If we were learning that
as kids
the world would be so different now.
Instead the world of western psychology
which
frankly has blown it talks about
honoring your emotions.
You shouldn't be honoring your emotions.
It's a mechanism within the mind.
So in the courses, then this is not a
pitch for the courses, I'm merely
explaining.
I explain very succinctly
how the mind functions in a mechanical
way
so that when you're watching your mind
which you're supposed to do constantly,
you see the mechanics and you can stop
what's happening. And you are then in
control of yourself
and you're no longer a victim of your
own
mind. Okay, I'm sorry. I've strayed off
topic a little bit.
I have been known to do that
but let's go back to the idea of a trial
separation. What will happen if you do a
trial separation? Let's talk about that.
So right now, you're arguing.
There's a lot of tension between you and
so
somebody came up with the bright idea. If
you disengage
it will relieve the tension. Sure, it will
but you will be carrying your own
tension
with you, both of you will still have to
deal with your inner tension because
that's a habit too
whereas if you stay together and you
decide as an
individual. You don't have to make a pact
with your spouse
but as an individual, you go, "There is no
way
I'm going to argue at all anymore.
He or she can say anything they want. I'm
going to rise above it."
The tension will then dissipate
and you will be able to see each other
and start developing
the eyes of love which is what you
should
have when you're married. The marriage
that you have
should be founded on love. These
things that you argue about, these things
you have disagreements about.
These petty differences don't really
matter. They're not supposed to matter.
You didn't get married
to have a business. You got married to
learn how to express
love, to feel happiness.
So bottom line,
if you separate the tension
moves with either of you. It comes out in
different ways.
There will be this image in your mind of
relief that you don't have to deal with
this. You don't have to deal with that
which is true, but does it help you?
We grow by facing our
challenges
head-on and dealing with our challenges.
And in this case, the challenge isn't
your husband or wife.
The challenge is your own mind, 100%
of the time, I promise you. 100%
of the time and we've been around
for 20 years plus helping
people, individuals, helping couples.
They all have this wonderful experience
of evolution. We're human beings. We are
supposed to evolve.
Don't do it that's the bottom line.
Don't do a trial separation instead
work on yourself with the intent of
working
on your marriage and get the blessings
that a marriage is supposed to deliver
ever-increasing happiness, ever-expanding
love.
You're not going to get that in a trial
separation.
All right, good topic.
Like this video, if you like it. Leave a
comment if you will.
Share it if you want to. I think this
this was a great topic.
Thank you for spending time with me!
Go to themarriagefoundation.org, go
to the website.
See what we have. I think you will find
that you've been looking at your
marriage the wrong way.
It can be healed. It can be turned into
something
magnificent which is what it was
supposed to be from the start.
God bless and take care! Thank you!