-Hello! -Hello!
-Always our most frequent guest -- John Mulaney.
-Did I beat -- was it Martha Stewart?
-Yeah, I think you've just tipped ahead of Martha Stewart
again. -Oho-ho-ho!
-Back and forth, back and forth. -It -- It -- It --
The ballet continues. -[ Laughs ]
♪♪♪♪
Obviously, you are following the presidential campaigns
You had a great bit about Trum way before --
years before he was pretending to run for President.
-Yes, he was still an odd person back then.
-Yes. -This was in 2007,
when he was just doing "Celebrity Apprentice," an
it was like, "Oh, that's about the weirdest he'll ever be."
And then he topped that. -He really did.
-Yeah, but I -- I'm repeating myself,
but what I said back then was that, to me,
like, Trump is not a rich man.
Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be.
Like, Trump was walking around under an underpass,
and he heard some guy like, "Oh, as soon as my number comes in,
I'm gonna put up tall building with my name on 'em.
I'll have fine golden hair and a TV show
where I fire Gene Simmons with my children."
And Trump was like, "That is how I'll live my life."
-What is your take on this so far?
-Well, it's in keeping with him,
'cause when he makes a decision, he must think to himself, like
"What would a cartoon rich person do?
Run for President."
-Neither of us can sing a lick -Not a bit.
-Yeah, and we had to, for th incredible composer for this
Eli, we would sing into our iPhones
and then just send him us singing.
-Yeah, and what I would do is,
I would take a melody that already existed
and was copywritten,
and then I would add my own words
and I'd go, "How about this? And Eli would say,
"Well, that's already a song." [ Laughter ]
Then, he had to listen to me sing.
So I have all these voice memos of me.
-We actually have a voice memo just to give people a sens
of exactly how dire... [ Cheers and applause ]
How dire this was for poor.. Let's take a listen.
-I'm legit embarrassed.
Hello, Eli, it's Mulaney.
I'm losing my voice on tour,
so I was picturing it like this.
♪♪ You don't own any land, just a box in the sky ♪♪
♪♪ Your neighbor's cooking kasha and your other neighbor died ♪
♪♪ When you moved in, you felt lucky ♪♪
♪♪ But that time is forgot
♪♪ But you never give up your spot ♪♪
♪♪ At the co-ops ♪♪
Wow, that was bad, but I did get it all out.
-Ohh. -I'm proud of myself.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You all know this. [ Laughter ]
But my grandmother and Seth's mom
were in a local production in Marblehead, Massachusetts
of a hospital benefit musical revue.
Stay with me. [ Laughter ]
And it was directed by a young Tommy Tune.
It was called "Pills A Poppin'."
And it saved the hospital.
So it's no laughing matter [ Laughter ]
But, you know, you talked to your mom about it.
I've talked to my nana many times.
New England stories always sound fake.
-Yeah. -They sound like limericks
You know, like, "A man named Tommy Tune
came to town and saved the hospital."
You're like, "Did he?" -[ Laughs ]
-So, I said to him -- I go up to him,
I go, "Hey, you're Tommy Tune. And he was, so he said, "Yeah.
And I said... [ Laughter ]
I said, "My nana was in 'Pills A Poppin','
which you directed. He goes, "Oh, 'Pills A Poppin'!'
in Marblehead, Massachusetts." And I was like, "It's real."
-The thing that you think would be the most fun to hos
would be the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction.
-Yeah, that is the only truly fun award show.
I don't know if you all watc the HBO
Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction annually.
No? Okay, absolutely no one. -[ Laughs ]
-It happens every year. Or does it? I'm not sure.
If it -- If it didn't, no one would notice.
They induct about like a half-dozen ungrateful bands...
[ Laughter ] ...into an association
no one ever asked for in Cleveland.
And if I could describe it
the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony --
think of like a wedding if every speech was given
by the bride's ex-boyfriend. [ Laughter ]
Like, every band comes in with some old grievance,
and all their speeches
are just filled with bile from like 30 years before
about, like, equipment van or something.
And, like, the Golden Globes the Oscars --
the Oscars had a big, weir thing happen last year.
That's one glitch.
That's on a night where each winner does not know,
until the moment envelope opens, that they've won.
Then, they have to go give a speech
in front of 10 million people.
That should have millions of glitches.
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction bands
know for months that they're going to be inducted
and that they have to give a speech.
They blow it every year. [ Laughter ]
They all get up there, they don't how to stand.
They've been standing onstag for 20 years,
and they're just, like, side to the podium, like, "Yeah."
[ Laughter ] "I guess, you know..."
Look, if you're gonna have a hall of fame,
which we think is B.S.,
they always undercut the night right away.
And we're like, "We don't want this.
This is for you." [ Laughter ]
-I heard that someone ask yo why comedians
make fun of Florida, when you were in Florida.
-I met a very nice young woman
16-year-old girl came up to me after the show.
And she said, "I want to b a comedy writer.
I want to write at 'SNL.'" And I said,
"I used to write there." And she said, "I know.
That's why I'm talking to yo about it."
And she said, "Why do comedian always go after Florida?"
And I was like, "Huh. That's a good point.
We kinda do." She's like, "Yes, you do."
She said, "There was a Jeremy Renner sketch
when he hosted 'SNL,' where he played the mayor of Tampa.
And when he said, 'I'm the mayor of Tampa,'
everyone laughed automatically." [ Laughter ]
And I said to her, like -- I said, "Well, it's not fair
that we laugh at Florida."
I said, "Comedy writers are often lazy.
And so it's, like, a good example of a place
when you need -- you know, i you had a lot of paper towels,
I'd be like, 'Hey, Seth, what are you, Costco?'
Not a good joke.
Not a good joke, but easy, right?"
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-"So, Florida is the Costc of upsetting people, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Like, you -- Like, it's just everything at once
You'd never make Florida on purpose.
-Uh-huh. -You'd never put it together
Like, if it was a dinner party you wouldn't be like, "Hey
you know who we should invite? A bunch of elderly Jewish people
and some really cool gay peopl from South Beach
and a bunch of conservative Cubans
and a woman that looks lik Bret "The Hitman" Hart
driving a fanboat,
and a possum and an alligator,
and 12 serial killers,
and the richest people in th world trying not to pay taxes.
And at the end of the dinner party,
they decide who the President is!"
-You and Colin Jost wrote this years ago.
-Yeah, and you didn't pick it. -Uh, I...
-You were the head of writing. -I was the head of writing
but I thought -- I remember saying, like --
I'm like, "Save it for when he comes back."
-"I'll wait till one of thes writers improbably hosts."
[ Laughter ]
-You were a "Les Mis" fan as a child.
So, this was -- I should point out,
the sketch is called "Diner Lobster."
And it was too the "Les Mis" soundtrack.
-Yes, it was about a diner that serves lobster,
as some in New York do.
Someone finally orders the lobster,
and we bring out the lobster
who's Kenan playing a Jean Valjean type.
He's facing death.
He's lived in diner for 40 years.
And the only music to accompany that
is "Les Misérables." [ Laughter ]
So, what we did was, we wrote it
by listening to the "Les Mis" soundtrack.
And then we changed the words of the song,
and we made them about being a lobster.
[ Laughter ] -And that's sketch writing
-And that was at the table in 2010.
-Yeah. -And I remember, it was done
and it wasn't like you were mad,
but everyone was just like "Guy!"
And then we -- And then we moved on.
And now it's on TV. -Who did you write it for?
Do you remember who you originally wrote it for?
-Um, I think Galifinakis was the host.
-Oh, alright. -Yeah.
-Well, I think you elevated it [ Laughter ]
-I still do Gavroche for my wife.
And -- And she hates it. [ Laughter ]
And, uh, she hates my rendition of it.
And she really doesn't like it
And it's, um -- And I know it's not good.
And I know that it was funny when we started dating.
And I know that it's not funny anymore.
'Cause I'll go like,
♪♪ Good evening, dear Inspector
♪♪ Lovely evening, my dear
♪♪ Dunh dunh dunh ♪♪
♪♪ I know this man, my friends
♪♪ His name is Inspector Javert
And Anna once went, "Wait a minute.
You just tipped two different hats."
[ Laughter ]
A lot of you probably try to guess our politics, you know?
-Yeah, people look at us, they go, "Oh, you know,
they probably support, you know, Bernard."
-Why would we vote with Bernard? What do you mean, Bernard?
-They know -- You guys know hi as Bernie Sanders.
Bernard -- Our dear old friend Bernard --
-Why do they know him as Bernie?
-Bernard is running for President.
-Bernard is running? [ Laughter ]
The president of what, the Band-Aid on Forehead Society
-No. No, he's running for President of the United States
-Bernard?! -Yes!
-Our Bernard? Why don't you just vote for him?
-Oh, hello. [ Laughter ]
-We know that guy. -We go back with Bernard.
We go back with Bernie Sanders to our days in Vermont.
You know, we were known as a political action group.
We were known as the Burlington 3.
-Oh. -And we were responsible
for the bombing of the origina Burlington Coat Factory.
[ Laughter ] But that was still --
You know, I still deal with hi because I'm very involved
in the Occupy Walgreens movement.
-Okay. [ Laughter ]
-Yes, I hate the 1%.
I love whole milk. -[ Laughing ] Oh, boy.
-I'm sick of these right-wingers, though.
Let me say something that no one else is saying
-Please do.
-I'm sick of these right-wingers.
And the only one I would vot for is Ted Cruz.
I like him 'cause his face looks like
the whole movie "Dick Tracy" pushed together.
[ Laughter ] -You were out there --
-You were out there, and you were so funny.
-Thank you, guys. That's very kind.
-You were being humorous. -Yeah.
-And what I -- I loved the jok
where you attacked the Trump right?
And then I remember, you know, you made fun of him.
And then you got to him. You know, "Oh."
And then he waited six years -Yeah.
-And now he's running for President.
And he is just a McDonald's burp away from destroying the world
-Yeah. -So, that was you, dude.
-Oh, no. -That was you, man. Thank you.
-Yeah, you're like the guy tha didn't buy Hitler's paintings.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-So he was like, "Okay, I'll try Plan 'B.'"
-Yeah.
-I want to -- It was so exciting.
I was watching the Emmys, and you won the Emmy
for this wonderful special that I was lucky enough to see
at Radio City. -Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ] -How was that night?
-It was, um, I was totally totally surprised.
It was amazing and extremely flattering.
But I was just shocked to win.
And I'd, you know, been before
and sometimes it's not fun
So, I was sitting there like "Why do we do this every year?
Why do we come to this?" And then they said my name
and I was like, "Ahh!" [ Laughter ]
"This is true love."
-I was very happy because it cut to you,
and Dan Levy, who is a dear friend of yours,
was your date for the night. -The world's funniest comedian
Dan Levy, was my date for the night.
-I'm lucky enough to know him, as well.
And it was really a genuin moment of friendship from Da
when you won. And there he is, next to you
-Oh, yes. [ Laughter ]
-There's also our friend Michelle Wolf,
who's genuinely happy for you. -Look at Dan and I.
That is, like, the -- That is the typical,
like, Catholic and Jew hearing good news.
[ Laughter ]
He was like, "Wow!!"
And I'm like, "Okay, don't get too proud."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪♪♪