THREE
Office affairs
Secret naps
Stealing food from the fridge
What I'm learning about you through this exercise is generally, like, your life at work is, uh, difficult...
I would say I've had quite a few jobs
Office dress code
You know, when you start your first job, or when you start a new job
And you don't know how well to dress, it's your first day, so you always, always overdress
I don't get what "smart casual"is
Is it smart, or is it casual, it can't be both
And there's always that geek that turns up in a suit
Just wear what they want you to wear
I worked with one person who had to tell me their name five times and each time it slowly...
It was like, "Lianne! Lianne! Lianne. Lianne."
"My name's Lianne."
I always try and hedge my bets. I've said, "Nice to meet you" to too many people I know already.
I always say, "My names Asad, a bit like the president." And then people get it, because they're like, "Oh, yeah, Syria, ha ha."
I think you end up just going with platitudes - "Hey, buddy!" "Dude!" "Chap!" Yeah. "Pal!" "Fella!" "Oh, slugger!"
"Oh, matey-moo." Yeah. What?
And I always get called "Jason" as well
I've got an uncle called Jason, which I look nothing like.
What's your name?
Jacob.
Oh.
Office birthdays
Oh that's sad immediately. Who goes into the office on their birthday?
Take the day off!
When you start at a new place, and it's someone's birthday, but you don't really know anyone
And you've got to go along 'cause you just want cake
Singing to someone who you've never met before is a bit strange
There's one girl in the back who she thinks she's like Mariah Carey, she like closes her eyes for it
And then she puts like one ear, her, like this, so she knows she's hitting the notes
You can feel everyone building up to the name of the person
And no one knows the name
And you just have to go with the general flow of the room
"Alice... stair."
"Happy birthday dear..."
"Receptionist."
You go quite hard with that, just "job title."
Yes
Everyone has a problem with going for a shit at work
I never have, as a rule
You've never gone for a shit at work?
Never, not even once
No
How are your bowels?
Terrible.
I think a lot of people in my office think I've got some sort of whooping disease
'Cause every time I'm in the toilet next to them I'm like
*coughs loudly*
Also it's very much
Why do you cough?
Because then they can't hear the business
They had done a poo, wrapped it up in some toilet roll, and put it in the bin
That's not how you do that
Going to the toilet and checking your phone for a good forty minutes
Oh yeah, I definitely, I don't think I can go to the toilet without a phone anymore
I just have a wee and then I just sit there and then I realize that
It's nice to languish
There's one place I used to work that only had two urinals
So there was no buffer, there has to be a buffer urinal
Yeah, always
Because otherwise, otherwise you just, you're standing next to somebody you normally speak to about PowerPoint
With your junk in your hands
Right, stealing food from the fridge
- All the time - The anger
Is eminating... what, you do it?
Not all the time
Some of the time
I can't look at you anymore
Yeah, I don't do that, that's like, really bad
Bad office move
You know when you just want some hummus, and you haven't got any
You know, guys
But it's kind of ok because they can't really be looking forward to a baby bell that much
I guess if you ever want to steal something you steal just the right amount so they don't think they'll notice
Have you never had it when someone's just stolen your cereal?
That would not end well
Cereal feels like an ok legit thing, like a small bowl
I know the individual number of grains in there, so they're not going to do it
OK
A few frosted flakes, it's fine
Working hung over
Yes
Just yes. "Yeah, that's me."
Basically if you're always hunger over, they just think that's your baseline
Somebody coming and going, "Oh my god I'm so hung over."
And then you turn up and you're still a bit drunk and you're like, God I'm doing really well!
And then you get the bathroom and you're like, I smell like alcohol
You know I couldn't show that I was hung over and tired because people would be like
"What were you doing last night?" Oh, well, actually I was at a sex party
The Christmas party
I don't like sort of enforced fun on any level
Yeah
Particularly with people I don't like
Everyone who you don't really like is going to get drunk and tell you what they really think
That's not good
Do you know what really bugs me about Christmas parties?
What?
They start in November
That's what really bugs, and I don't understand why I have to live through a month of Christmas
I think it would be hard to pitch a Christmas party on December 25
I started in January so I like missed out
But apparently it was a banger, according to a lot of people in my
I'll find out next, if I'm there next year
- After this - After this