Announcer: LIVE FROM PHILADELPHIA, AMERICA'S FIRST --
CREAM CHEESE.
LET'S NOT GET CRAZY.
GOLDMAN SACHS PRESENTS THE HILLARY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Trevor: THANK YOU, SO MUCH,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, SO MUCH.
WELCOME TO THE "DAILY SHOW" I'M TREVOR NOAH COMING TO LIVE FROM
PHILADELPHIA. THIS IS IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
MOMENTS AGO HILLARY CLINTON OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED THE
NOMINATION AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
THIS IS IT.
EXCITING.
SHE MADE HISTORY AS THE FIRST ZAYN PERSON NOMINATED FOR
PRESIDENT THIS YEAR.
NOW WE WILL GET INTO THE HIGHLIGHTS OF HILLARY'S SPEECH
IN A MOMENT.
ONE OF THE MOVING MOMENTS CAME EARLIER FROM THE PARENTS OF A
MUSLIM ARMY CAPTAIN WHO GAVE HIS LIFE FIGHTING IN IRAQ.
>> DONALD TRUMP, CONSISTENTLY SMEARS THE CHARACTER OF MUSLIMS.
DONALD TRUMP, YOU'RE ASKING AMERICANS TO TRUST YOU WITH
THEIR FUTURE.
LET ME ASK YOU, HAVE YOU EVEN READ THE UNITED STATES
CONSTITUTION?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> I WILL, I WILL GLADLY LEND
YOU MY COPY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Trevor: NO, NO, NO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HE HATES THOSE TWO THINGS THE MOST, MUSLIMS AND READING.
NO.
AFTER MORE SPEECHES AND A BEAUTIFUL KATY PERRY SHOW IT WAS
TIME FOR HILLARY -- FIRST, FIRST.
AS CUSTOMARY IN AMERICAN POLITICS HER DAUGHTER CAME OUT
TO INTRODUCE HER.
>> OUR DAUGHTER CHARLOTTE IS NEARLY TWO YEARS OLD.
SHE LOVES ELMO.
SHE LOVES BLUE BERRIES.
AND ABOVE ALL SHE LOVES FACE TIMING WITH GRANDMA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> MY MOM CAN BE ABOUT TO WALK
ON STAGE FOR A DEBATE OR A SPEECH.
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.
SHE WILL DROP EVERYTHING FOR A FEW MINUTES OF BLOWING KISSES
AND READING CHUGA-CHUGA CHOO CHOO.
>> Trevor: THAT'S RIGHT SHE WILL DROP EVERYTHING TO BE ON FACE
TIME WITH HER GRANDCHILD.
RUSSIA COULD BE STORMING THE COAST.
MADAM PRESIDENT, RUSSIA IS ADVANCING.
IT'S GETTING DANGEROUS.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS DANGEROUS.
THIS LITTLE FACE.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO LAUNCH AN ATTACK OF KISSES ON THIS LITTLE
FACE.
CHUGA-CHUGA-CHUGA.
CHELSEA GAVE A GREAT SPEECH.
WHAT WAS ENDEARING AS THE VIDEO MAYOR RATED MY MORGAN FREEMAN.
>> HERE IS A WOMAN.
WHAT DOES SHE DREAM OF?
WHEN DOES SHE FEEL PROUD?
HOW MANY TIMES WILL SHE LEAVE HER MARK AND LIGHT UP THE WORLD?
>> Trevor: MORGAN FREEMAN, A PERFECT CHOICE.
WHO BETTER TO HUMANIZE HILLARY CLINTON THEN THE MAN THAT MADE
US FALL IN LOVE WITH PENGUINS, PEOPLE.
AFTER KATY PERRY, CHELSEA CLINTON, HILLARY WALKED OUT ON
THE STAGE.
I WILL PUT IT OUT THIS.
I DON'T KNOW IF I TRUST A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WHO
DOESN'T INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCH THEIR DAUGHTER.
[LAUGHING] >> Trevor: I DON'T KNOW, PEOPLE.
WHERE IS THE SEXUAL TENSION?
SOMETHING IS MISSING.
HILLARY'S SPEECH TOUCHED ON A LOT OF THEMES.
FIRST SHE HAD TO SHOUT OUT TO THE MAN SHE BETA LONG THE WAY.
>> I WANT TO THANK BERNIE SANDERS.
BERNIE, YOUR CAMPAIGN INSPIRED MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.
PARTICULARLY THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO THREW THEIR HEARTS AND SOULS
INTO OUR PRIMARY.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> YOU PUT ECONOMIC AND SOCIAL
JUSTICE ISSUES FRONT AND CENTER, WHERE THEY BELONG.
AND TO ALL OF YOUR SUPPORTERS HERE AND AROUND THE COUNTRY I
WANT YOU TO KNOW I HAVE HEARD YOU.
>> Trevor: SO NOW SHUT THE HELL UP, AND LET ME DO MY SPEECH.
HERE IS $27, ENJOY YOUR BUS RIDE BACK TO VERMONT.
GO ON.
NO, THAT WAS SWEET, THOUGH.
REALLY WAS.
ONE OF THE FIRST TIME HILLARY AND BERNIE HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME
SENTENCE WITHOUT PEOPLE BOOING.
BERNIE DOESN'T SMILE MUCH.
HE LOOKED UP TO THE SCREEN AND SCREENS HAVE THAT MAGIC.
BERNIE IS LIKE, I'M ON THE SCREEN.
NOW HILLARY MOVES ONTO HER NEW OPPONENT, DONALD TRUMP.
>> HE'S BETTING THE PERILS OF TODAY'S WORLD WILL BLIND US TO
HIS UNLIMITED PROMISE.
HE HAS TAKEN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY A LONG WAY.
FROM MORNING IN AMERICA TO MIDNIGHT IN AMERICA.
. Trevor: WAIT ISN'T MIDNIGHT THE COOL ONE?
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW HILLARY IS A HARD WORKER.
SHE'S LIKE WE NEED IT TO BE MORNING AGAIN.
I'M LIKE IT'S MIDNIGHT, I JUST GOT TO THE CLUB.
BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY, DONALD TRUMP HATES MIDNIGHT.
THAT'S WHEN HE TURNS BACK INTO A RACIST PUMPKIN.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Trevor: IT'S REAL.
HILLARY HIT TRUMP HARD ALL NIGHT.
SHE KNOWS TRUMP CAN'T TAKE IT.
>> A MAN YOU CAN BAIT WITH A TWEET, IS NOT A MAN WE CAN TRUST
WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
>> Trevor: YES, WE CAN ALL AGREE.
SOMEONE BATED BY A TWEET SHOULD NOT HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
BUT SOMEONE WHO GETS BATED BY A FACEBOOK POST, THAT'S
UNDERSTANDABLE.
BECAUSE FACEBOOK IS FAMILY.
MY GRANDMOTHER IS ON FACEBOOK.
HOW DO YOU POST THAT TRASH IN FRONT OF BIG MAMA I WILL BLOW UP
YOUR COUNTRY!
IT'S HUGE FOR HILLARY ALL NIGHT.
A MOUNTAIN OF SPEECHES AND FAILED 90s SITCOM, IT ALL LED
TO THIS.
>> SO, MY FRIENDS IT'S WITH HUMILITY, DETERMINATION, AND
BOUNDLESS CONFIDENCE IN AMERICA'S PROMISE THAT I ACCEPT
YOUR NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Trevor: WELL THAT ENDS THAT
MYSTERY.
YOU KNOW, IF EVER THERE WAS A CANDIDATE SAYING THEY WERE
ACCEPTING THE NOMINATION, IT'S HILLARY CLINTON.
SHE WANTED THIS FOREVER.
EVERY QUESTION IN HER LIFE, I ACCEPT THE NOMINATION.
HILLARY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE PRESIDENT?
YES.
FRIES WITH THAT.
HUMILITY AND DETERMINATION I ACCEPT YOUR FRIES.
IT WAS AMAZING, THE SPEECH.
HONESTLY, POLITICS ASIDE.
THIS WAS LIKE WATCHING A ROCKY MOVIE. WE HAVE SEEN HER DOWN AND
UP AGAIN.
SHE WAS FIGHTING THROUGH IT.
THIS IS THE TRIUMPH.
THIS SPEECH WAS A CULMINATION BASED AROUND UNIT.
ACTIVISTS UNITED IN PURPOSE.
SINGERS COMING TOGETHER TO SHARE ONE MICROPHONE AMONG 50 OF THEM.
IF TONIGHT WAS THE DNC WORLD SERIES, THEN YESTERDAY WAS THE
ALL-STAR GAME.
ALL THE DEMOCRATIC HEAVY HITTERS AND TIM KAINE CAME TOGETHER IN A
MISSION.
IN A MISSION TO DEFEAT THE RACIST DONALD TRUMP.
>> THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED AS A CHILD.
NO MATTER WHERE YOU WERE RAISED.
HOW CAN THERE BE PLEASURE IN SAYING, YOU'RE FIRED.
>> HE'S TRYING TO TELL US HE CARES ABOUT THE MIDDLE CLASS.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
THAT'S A BUNCH OF MALARKEY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Trevor: WOW.
WOW.
JOE BIDEN LOSING HIS COOL AND DROPPING THE "M" BOMB.
AND AT THE SAME TIME MAKING THE C-SPAN VIEWERS CLUTCH THEIR
PEARLS.
JOE, YOU BAD BOY.
ACTUALLY FOR THAT JOKE I WANTED TO SAY PEARL NECKLACE.
MY WRITER TOLD ME IN AMERICA A PEARL NECKLACE IN AMERICA
MEANS -- YOU PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING.
THAT'S ALL I WILL SAY.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
I WILL SAY, I HAVEN'T SEEN JOE BIDEN THIS ANGRY.
IT'S LIKE SEEING YOUR GRANDPA ANGRY FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY ME A JAPANESE LAWN MOOR, MALARKEY!
JOE BIDEN CAME OUT WITH FIRE.
THEN TIM KAINE CAME OUT AND SAID SOME THINGS.
>> CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I NEVER EXPECTED TO BE HERE.
I WAS BORN IN MINNESOTA.
GREW UP IN KANSAS CITY.
MY PARENTS HERE TONIGHT, GOING STRONG.
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH REPUBLICAN SENATORS WHO WILL
TELL YOU HOW FANTASTIC A SENATOR THAT HILLARY CLINTON WAS.
YOU KNOW WHO I DON'T TRUST.
MMM, I WONDER.
DONALD TRUMP.
>> Trevor: YO, YO, CAN I BE REAL FOR A SECOND?
I HEARD HILLARY'S VP PICK WAS A WHITE DUDE BUT THAT'S A WHITE
DUDE.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Trevor: THAT DUDE IS WHITE
LIKE TIM KAINE.
TIM KAINE IS LIKE A REAL LIFE VERSION OF BLACK PEOPLE'S
IMPERSONATIONS OF WHITE PEOPLE.
THAT GUY IS WHITE.
HE MAKES WHITE PENCE LOOK LIKE DMX.
THAT'S HOW WHITE HE IS.
HE'S CUTE AS WELL.
EVEN THOUGH YESTERDAY, TIM KAINE ACCEPTED THE VPA. NOMINATION,
EVERYONE IN THE ARENA WAS THERE FOR A DIFFERENT REASON.
IT'S THE EASIEST PLACE TO BUY WEED IN PHILLY.
ALSO TO SEE BARACK OBAMA GIVE WHAT COULD BE THE LAST BIG
SPEECH OF HIS PRESIDENCY.
BEFORE HE TOOK TO THE STAGE THE DNC PLAYED A STIRRING VIDEO OF
HIS UPs AND DOWNs IN OFFICE.
AFTER WATCHING THE OFFICE YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH, MORE THAN ANY
OTHER PRESIDENT THIS NATION HAS EVER HAD, BARACK OBAMA HAS
TOUCHED HIS FACE.
>> THIS IS SOMEONE WHO WALKED INTO US AS FACED WITH MULTIPLE
CRISES, EACH ONE OF THEM COULD SINK THE COUNTRY.
>> FROM HIS FIRST DAYS IN OFFICE THE DIFFICULT CHOICES HE MADE AS
PRESIDENT WOULD BE ONLY SHAPE THE COUNTRY'S FUTURE BUT REVEAL
THE CHARACTER OF THE MAN.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Trevor: YES THE PRESIDENTS
HAD A MESSAGE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ABOUT THE MAB WHO HAD A
CHANCE TO REPLACE HIM.
.President: THIS IS NOT YOUR TYPICALLY ELECTION.
IT'S NOT JUST A CHOICE BETWEEN PARTIES AND POLICIES.
WHAT WE HEARD IN CLEVELAND WASN'T PARTICULARLY REPUBLICAN.
IT SURE WASN'T CONSERVATIVE.
AMERICA IS ALREADY GREAT.
THE CHOICE ISN'T EVEN CLOSE.
>> Trevor: YOU SEE THAT SMILE?
THAT'S NOT JOY.
THAT'S THE LAUGH OF SOMEONE WHO IS ABOUT TO GO INSANE.
[LAUGHING] >> Trevor: HE'S LIKE -- I HAVE
TO, I HAVE TO HELP BRING THE COUNTRY BACK FROM A RECESSION.
OUST TWO WARS AND AFTER ALL THAT YOU'RE GOING TO HAND IT OVER TO
CINNAMON HITLER.
HOLD ME BACK, HOLD ME BACK.
I'M JUST GOING TO, I'M GOING TO TOUCH MY FACE.
[LAUGHING] >> Trevor: I TELL YOU SOMETHING,
THIS ISN'T JUST AN AMERICAN THING.
WE WILL MISS BARACK OBAMA.
I TELL YOU THAT NOW.
WE WILL MISS BARACK OBAMA.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Trevor: YOU KNOW, AS GOOD AS
ALL OF THESE SPEECHES WERE, IT'S ALL A WASTE.
THE TRUTH IS, NONE OF THIS GETS TO DONALD TRUMP.
HE ALWAYS REPLIES WITH THE SAME THING.
"WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK, I'M A BILLIONAIRE.
CALL ME WHEN YOU HAVE A BILLION DOLLARS "
LAST NIGHT THE DEMOCRATS DID JUST THAT BY BRINGING OUT FORMER
NEW YORK MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG.
THAT WAS GENEIOUS.
BLOOMBERG IS EVERYTHING TRUMP WISHES HE WAS.
TRUMP HAS WHAT MAYBE $4 BILLION?
BLOOMBERG HAS $40 BILLION.
TRUMP HAS A TV SHOW.
BLOOMBERG HAS HIS OWN NETWORK.
TRUMP SMALL HANDS.
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG'S ENTIRE BODY IS TINY.
WHO BETTER TO BURN TRUMP THEN HELLO BILLIONAIRE.
>> I BUILT A BUSINESS.
I DIDN'T START WITH IT WITH A MILLION DOLLAR CHECK FROM MY
FATHER.
TRUMP SAYS HE WANTS TO RUN THE NATION, LIKE HE'S RUNNING HIS
BUSINESS.
GOD HELP US.
TRUTH BE TOLD, THE RICHEST THING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP IS HIS
HYPOCRISY.
>> Trevor: OH!
OHHHH!
GOD DAMN, THIS WENT FROM A CONVENTION SPEECH TO A
BILLIONAIRE ROAST BATTLE.
TRUMP, IS THAT YOUR PLANE OR DID MY PLANE TAKE A DUMP.
YOUR ISLAND IS SO SMALL YOU DON'T HAVE A POPULATION.
KNOCK KNOCK, WHO IS THERE.
YA YOU WOULD ANSWER YOUR OWN DOOR, YOU BROKE ASS [BEEP].
BLOOMBERG STRUCK HIM SO HARD.
AT THE END OF THE SPEECH HE JUST DROPPED THE GOLD BAR WHEN HE WAS
DONE.
HE'S LIKE, I'M OUT.
BILLIONAIRES AROUND THE WORLD WERE LOSING THEIR MINDS.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> Trevor: AND OF ALL THE
SPEECHES WE SAW THIS WEEK, THIS ONE STOOD OUT THE MOST.
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS NOT A DEMOCRAT.
HE RAN FOR MAYOR AS A REPUBLICAN THEN AS A INDEPENDENT.
YET HE CAME TO THE NDN TO WARN EVERYONE ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.
MY FRIENDS, IF A MAN WITH $40 BILLION IS WORRIED ABOUT A
TRUMP FUTURE THEN MAYBE THE REST OF US SHOULD BE.
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]