♫♫
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to "Corrections."
Let´s get started.
This was
the most problematic thing
I said during last week´s "Corrections,"
based on the amount of feedback I received.
I said that I did something
"on" accident
instead of "by" accident.
People were outraged.
This is a good sample comment
that someone wrote.
"You said that we are,
on accident, doing jokes that are good.
I cringe when I hear someone say ´on´ accident
instead of ´by´ accident,
although in this case, you probably should have said
´accidentally.´
To try to better myself, I found my wife and asked her.
´Seth said on accident instead of by accident.
is that worthy of a correction? Or should I leave him alone?´
She responded, ´Yes, it is.
That´s despicable.´"
So here we are.
So to that man, uh...
to his wife,
to everybody else who was so upset,
I apologize, and I promise,
I did not do it by purpose.
[ Laughter ]
I said "invariably" instead of "inevitably."
I think I often do that.
And I am optimistic...
There will be a future opportunity
for me to say it the right way,
because I believe that that...
is certain to happen.
Everybody said -- I talked about the fact
that I rented a Ford Festiva, and a lot of people said,
"I can´t believe how many times he said Festiva wrong."
And I was like, "It´s got to be Festiva."
Is it Fest-iva?
It can´t be Fest-iva. It´s Festiva.
And then I realized a lot of people thought
I should be saying Fiesta, a Ford Fiesta.
There were both.
There was a Ford Festiva.
And then there is a Ford Fiesta,
and that seems like something
you should maybe take up with Ford.
[ Laughter ]
Maybe Ford should be a little bit less worried
about what Ferrari´s doing.
[ Light laughter ]
The other thing about that is,
I was talking about how when we rented,
when my brother and I rented that Ford Festiva,
we would play Randy Newman,
"I Love L.A."
I did a few lines.
A lot of people said I have a terrible Randy Newman.
That is incorrect.
It´s very good.
[ As Newman ] Look at that bum, down on his knees.
Look at those mountain,
look at old trees.
[ Normal voice ] And I want all of the jackals to know
you do not [As Newman] got the friend in me.
Renting the Ford Festiva is not the worst car rental story
I´ve ever had in L.A.
Shoemaker and I were in L.A.
We were staying in a hotel, and we had --
we were there --
I can´t even remember what we were there for.
Maybe we were out there for the Emmys or something.
We had rented like, let´s say, a Kia Optima.
Something along the lines of a Kia Optima.
We were leaving our hotel,
and we gave the ticket to the valet,
and they were going to get the Kia Optima.
And then Jason Statham walked out
and gave the ticket to the valet.
And I just remember my heart dropping.
´Cause all I hoped was,
"Please don´t have my car come before Jason Statham´s,
who I´m sure has the coolest car
known to man."
And his car did show up first,
Do you remember? -Yeah.
-And it was...
A Kia Optima.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, souped up, no.
It was the lowest car that I´ve ever seen,
and he got into -- he like --
It was like when you have --
It was like a lie-flat seat on an airplane.
Like he needed a periscope to drive it.
And he was with --
I think he was with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
-Yeah, I think he was.
-And I mean, if you already feel bad,
imagine if the guy standing next to you
is with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
and you´re with...
Mikey "The Shoe."
[ Laughter ]
Who´s already problematic in L.A.
I mean, if you think he´s in a bad mood in New York City,
you should see this guy in L.A.
And people know, you know --
They know he´s a big-shot producer,
and he´s so --
You know, kids come up to him,
and they´re like, "Hey, Mikey,
I´m a young actor. You have a tip for me."
And he´s like, "Learn a trade."
[ Laughter ]
Never -- I was -- And that was back --
When those "Fast Five" movies started,
I was still --
I was still an actor.
Never asked...
to be in any of those films.
I don´t -- I think if I was in one of those movies,
I´d be one of those guys, like, carrying --
on one side of a plate of glass,
you know, in the street, like, "Whoa, steady, John."
And then it, like, cuts to...
Or I´d be like a guy with --
like, trying to hail a cab with a coffee,
and then, like, a car would go...
and my coffee would be gone.
And they would just, like, cut to Vin Diesel being like,
"[Bleep] latte."
And I said I implied
that the last Blockbuster
closed in 2019.
There is one Blockbuster left in Bend, Oregon.
Bend, O-- And I guess there´s been a Netflix documentary
about the last...
the last living Blockbuster in Bend, Oregon.
Again, crazy how many corrections
we´re getting from the state of Oregon
that are cinema related.
You know, because we´ve talked a lot about Astoria
and how there is also an Astoria in Oregon
and, you know, how they have a film museum.
And now we know that the last Blockbuster is in Oregon.
And the one thing, though,
is every time I mention Astoria, Oregon,
I keep forgetting to say this, is people there say,
"I don´t know how you call it in New York,
but we call it Ass-toria."
But I´m reluctant to buy into that...
´cause it feels like a prank,
especially because they write the "ass" part in all caps.
Also, they say it´s pronounced "organ."
Bend, Organ.
Do you know how you get to Bend, Organ, Shoemaker?
You run into a brick wall with the boner.
[ Laughter ]
Someone said, "Hey, this is from last night´s ´Closer Look.´
I have a note for the correction --
Sorry, I have a note for the graphics department.
You got a graphic of a -- of a tornado
on a New Jersey highway,
but graphics forgot to put any bicycles on the highway,
and there -- there must --
there must be bicycles on that highway
because Seth called it
the New Jersey Turn-bike."
Now I don´t want to spend a lot of time correcting --
I´ll correct facts.
But flubs are just a thing that happens.
That´s just the thing that happens in life.
We´re not going to correct all the flubs.
Plus, I found it unlikely that I said New Jersey Turn-bike.
So I went back and took a look.
Let´s see.
But it could´ve been a lot worse
if they hadn´t been stuck in turn-bike traffic.
Let´s hear it again, a little slower.
Turn-bike traffic,
Okay. I said turn-bike.
So I´m not gonna blame the graphics department for that,
but we did get a little more flak on a graphic.
We talked about...
how the flooding in New York
has led to a lot of steps being taken,
up to and including pigeons wearing snorkels.
Can we show what graphics came up
with the pigeon wearing a snorkel.
Now if you´re watching this right now,
can you guys jump to the issue here?
Okay, the issue here is
the snorkel doesn´t cover the nostrils.
The mask...
If the mask doesn´t cover
the nostrils, Graphics...
The pigeon dies,
[ Laughter ]
and that´s not the joke.
I was so bummed last week
because I mentioned Fine Young Cannibals,
and it was on Thursday,
and Andy Samberg was here because we did
a "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" reunion show,
and I didn´t realize he was still here,
I thought he´d left to catch a flight,
and I wish I´d known he was here
because Andy does an impression of Roland Gift,
the lead singer of Fine Young Cannibals,
and I would´ve had him come out,
So I don´t -- but I didn´t.
So then I just thought,
Well, I´ll just FaceTime him now and see.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Give me a second. He does not know I´m doing this.
Hey, I´m filming "Corrections" right now.
Will you just do --
sing "She Drives You Crazy"
like Roland Gift from Fine Young Cannibals.
-♫ She drives me crazy ♫
[ Laughter ] ♫ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♫
♫ Like no one else ♫
♫ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♫
♫ She drives me crazy ♫
♫ And I can´t help myself ♫
-Great. Thank you. I love you, buddy.
So...
[ Laughter ]
I feel like we cleaned that up.
We talked about how a horse would smoke
and it would hold a cigarette,
and there was a lot of talk about...
it couldn´t hold it with one hand,
so it´d hold it like this.
A lot of people said, actually,
their hooves are like fingernails,
which I don´t quite know
how that was supposed to be helpful.
People said, really, the issue is, like,
just it´s a joint issue.
Their arms don´t bend like that.
So, it wouldn´t matter how they´d hold a cigarette.
They could never get it to their mouths.
And then someone said, you know,
at the end of the day...
any animal who smokes
is gonna end up a little hoarse.
You know, I´m pretty disparaging
about a lot of the things you jackals say...
But that´s the worst one.
We were missing an "L"
in Cauliflower Doritos graphic.
Can we take a look at that again.
As you notice, it´s not how you spell Cauliflower.
And --
And we also talked about how I have a bad Tom Brokaw.
Those both came up in corrections,
and a couple of people...
pointed this out, and I got to say,
this is some real good work by the jackals,
and you know how much I hate to say that.
They said you really miss an opportunity
because I feel like cauliflower with only one "L"
is how Tom Brokaw would say it.
[ As Brokaw ] "Cauiflower."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Not wrong.
[ As Brokaw ] Big news in the chip community.
[ Speaks gibberish ]
We talked about Wally.
That cue cards are a part of Wally.
And that he was born with the cue card,
and I held up the cue card he was born with.
That said, it´s a boy.
And someone said, so you amputated his cue card.
And I did not, and here´s the thing.
Part of -- When a cue card professional was born,
part of the tradition --
This is something that I don´t think
Wally will be upset that I´m saying --
eight days after it´s born,
there is a ceremony...
[ Laughter ]
...wherein a mohel comes to the home
and just snips off the cue card.
Um...
Oh, I have really --
I have something really exciting...to announce.
A little emotional.
I got a new sweater.
And this sweater was a gift
that was sent here last week
from my one time nemesis,
Patty Lyons.
Patty is one of the members,
a vocal member, of the knitting community
who has taken a great amount of issue
with errors I have made over the past three months
when I talked about knitting,
and I have been apologetic enough
that Patty,
in an effort to bury the hatchet,
sewed me this beautiful sweater.
[ Laughter ]
And my favorite thing about it --
and there´s a lot to like about it --
You can wear it anywhere.
[ Laughter ]
Formal. Casual. it just goes great --
It´s just great.
That -- That´s an Emmy,
and "Corrections" did not take home the Emmy,
finish tied for second.
Not too shabby for our first time out.
And I will say
that Emmys...
are a dime a dozen.
And to get an Emmy
on a homemade sweater
from your one time nemesis,
Patty Lyons, is a great deal
more valuable to me,
and so I would just like to say
to Patty...
did you think for one second
I didn´t know how this was going to end?
I walked into Shoemaker´s office three months ago and said,
I think I´m...
going to get a new sweater.
[ Laughter ]
And he said sweaters can be expensive,
and I said, Oh, I think I´ll...
be getting my sweater for free.
[ Laughter ]
Because there are three things
that are true about the knitting community.
They are foul mouthed.
They are sensitive.
And they are predictable.
So, I´m pretty sure if I poke them...
someone will inevitably...
[ Laughter ]
...knit me a homemade sweater
and send it my way.
And Shoemaker said, you can do all of that in three months?
I said, buddy,
I´ve been working on this for a decade,
when I took this photo
of me knitting what is clearly
a crocheted blanket.
That was the first...
piece of the trap.
[ Laughter ]
So, Patty,
I guess what I´m trying to say is,
sometimes in life, you´re the knitter,
and sometimes you´re the yarn.
This has been "Corrections."
Come back next week, won´t you?
[ Laughter ]
I´ll be here.
There´s a moth eggs. She put [bleep] --
There´s [bleep] moth eggs! Patty!