You may remember,
the reason that I'm shooting the show in my apartment
is not because I forgot to pay the utility bill at the studio
but because coronavirus shut down the planet.
And although the coronavirus devastated the globe,
some countries managed to beat it,
which gave the rest of us hope, right?
Countries like New Zealand, the Canada of Australia.
They had been celebrating, because they had
completely gotten rid of coronavirus.
But then this week, they discovered
that even they can't go back to normal just yet.
After more than three weeks
of no new cases of COVID-19 in New Zealand
with authorities believing the country
had managed to eliminate the virus,
the Ministry of Health today announced two new cases.
They are both women who had traveled
from the U.K. via Australia.
It's a major blow for the country
that has aggressively tackled the virus.
Only last week, New Zealand lifted
almost all domestic coronavirus restrictions.
Oh, no. New Zealand,
you made the classic zombie movie mistake.
When you're in the house and everything is fine
and someone knocks on the door, you do not let that person in!
'Cause when you open that door, it's gonna be a zombie.
Or a Jehovah's Witness. Either way, don't open the door.
That said, it is crazy that two cases
is described as "a major blow" to the country.
And that's how differently New Zealand is taking this
to other places, 'cause, I mean, if that's a major blow,
America is taking in corona
like the guy in old wind tunnel experiments.
And, I mean, this just goes to show how hard it's gonna be
to defeat coronavirus without a vaccine, right?
'Cause all it takes is one little slipup
for all your work to collapse.
It's kind of like the game Jenga
in the sense that it's not fun at all
and I wish it was over.
"Are you looking to spend ten minutes nervous
"but also bored?
Try Jenga."
Now, while New Zealand is racing to contain these two cases,
in the country where this all started,
they're looking at an outbreak that could be a lot worse.
China is racing to contain a new outbreak of COVID-19.
After reporting no new infections in Beijing
for more than 50 days, the virus has returned.
NEWSMAN: Parts of Beijing under lockdown again,
officials there calling it wartime mode.
Schools closed,
transport in and out of the city shut down.
There are now more than 100 coronavirus cases
linked to Beijing's Xinfadi wholesale market.
Health officials scrambling to quickly contact trace,
testing an estimated 200,000 people,
from market workers to recent visitors.
Near the area, images seen of hundreds of military police
deployed to freeze the flow of people.
Okay, wait a minute.
China is shutting down Beijing
because of a hundred cases?
Either China takes this
way more seriously than everyone else
or there's something they're not telling us again.
Now, look, China,
I know it's embarrassing to have more corona,
especially when everyone in the world
is blaming you for this thing.
But you need to be honest with us about what's happening.
Because you saw what secrets did the last time.
One minute, it was a few cases in Wuhan.
And the next thing you know,
we were all making face masks out of our roommate's underwear.
Now, there is some good news in the battle against COVID-19.
Researchers at Oxford say that a common steroid
that's been around for 60 years
can dramatically reduce the risk of death
in severely ill coronavirus patients.
Basically, scientists have now just started doing
the same thing that you do at home,
you know, when you get sick
and you just go through your medicine cabinet,
trying random stuff to see if it'll work.
"Uh, does Pepto-Bismol cure herpes?
Well, it's worth a shot."
And in another big research development,
experts are now confident
that the virus mostly isn't spread
by touching surfaces or brief outdoor contact.
Instead, they're saying that there's now a consensus
that most spreading comes from "close-up,
"person-to-person interactions for extended periods"
and "crowded events where people are talking loudly."
So, basically, this is good news for us.
We're understanding corona. You know?
Like, now we know. The total nightmare scenario
for catching coronavirus would be, like...
like, I don't know, like, a--
like, a big crowded, indoor event, you know,
where thousands of people are packed together,
screaming and chanting about locking someone up.
But, luckily, no one would do such a thing.
Speaking of no one,
President Trump and his administration
have come under fire for not encouraging Americans
to take this pandemic seriously,
which is unfortunate,
because the pandemic is still taking America very seriously.
REPORTER: This morning, record-breaking
one-day increases.
Arizona, Florida, and Texas
all reporting their largest one-day increases
in new COVID cases.
They are among 20 states
that have seen the number of newly reported cases grow
over the last two weeks.
REPORTER 2: Both President Trump and Vice President Pence,
however, are yet again downplaying
the seriousness of the outbreak,
blaming testing for the climbing numbers.
And I can tell you, on, uh, COVID or... coronavirus
or whatever you want to call it--
plenty of names-- uh...
(stammers) tremendous progress is being made.
A lot of cases that other countries
who don't even test don't have.
If you don't test, you don't have any cases.
If we stopped testing right now,
we'd have very few cases, if any.
Okay. Okay. Technically, Trump is right.
If you don't test anybody, then you don't have any cases.
The same way if black people stopped recording the cops,
we would have zero cases of police brutality.
Ah. Ignorance is bliss.
You know what the problem is here--
the problem is that Trump thinks of coronavirus
as a PR issue
and not as a pandemic.
He's less concerned with fixing coronavirus
and more concerned with fixing
how coronavirus makes him look,
which probably explains those pictures he brought
to yesterday's press conference.
I mean, yeah, it looks better,
but it doesn't help.
Now, look, if all of this seems a little like déjà vu to you,
you're not losing your mind.
China is saying that the virus is completely under control,
but, at the same time,
they're shutting down one of their largest cities.
And the U.S. is seeing a surge in many states.
Yet Trump is claiming that everything is fine.
So, the bad news is
the world might be going down a path
that we've already been down.
It's happening all over again.
The good news is
that means that I know the winning lottery numbers.
Hmm.
I'm gonna go play that shit now.