- Are we starting?
This is the problem.
This helped fuck the show over.
But, you know what, I can't stay mad at this little spore.
It's kind of cute.
Looks like a Nerf or a dog toy,
you know what I mean? (squeaking)
Get it, get it, get the ball!
(barking)
(panting)
Favorite jokes yesterday.
Oh, most of the people said, show should keep going.
That was nice.
I'll get a Spade network going.
I'm on it.
They liked head of Viacom being Carole Baskin,
and the iceman chomp, where I bit my teeth, it hurt
because I'm a colossal pussy and its been proven.
So my comments, beep bop bop bop bop.
I'm an ER nurse and this
is the worst news I've heard all week.
Okay, that's good, I like that.
'Cause they, I don't know if you know about this,
but there's a whole virus going around.
Okay...
Tekashi69 insinuated to the mayor of LA
that he would snitch out anyone who blatantly broke
the city-wide stay at home order, who?
We know he's got loose lips but,
now this dude's gonna have Brentwood moms coming
at him to shiv him on the corner of Bundy,
with a filed down flat iron, "Hey, aren't you Tekashi?
'Cause I know the first,"
(whooshing) (grunting)
(sizzling)
That's the worst part at the end.
Long extension cord.
A 500-year-old poem containing
the first known use of the f-word
was found in a vault in Scotland.
The poet's name?
Samuel McJackson.
(gibbering)
Conor McGregor.
I miss that old, Gregor. (grunts)
A stay at home order's affecting lottery ticket sales.
I guess people are getting enough of a rush,
gambling with their lives, walking into a grocery store.
It's like a scratcher every time you stumble into Ralphs.
Hey, whoa, one at a time.
Two Utah kids were hospitalized
after eating pot gummies from a food bank.
First of all, that's probably a lie.
No one has the heart to tell these Mormons
that those are regular gummies,
and they're just acting crunked.
Let me tell you something, I bought, I didn't touch.
I bought gummies from a weed store,
and the guy's like, "Don't take it all, man.
Just take the ear off, they're fucking strong."
I go, "It's an inch of food, I'll be taking it all."
"Hey, these pot cookies."
That's 100 hits dude, each crumb is one.
So just, I go, "It's a fucking cookie, dude.
I'm gonna woof it down and I'll be like, kazoom!"
An anonymous donor bought $82000 worth of gift cards
and distributed them throughout his town in Iowa.
People all over the city woke up and went, "Awe.
Is there a Spencer's Gifts in this town?" (pants)
Well, it was nice anyway.
J.K. Rowling revealed she has fully recovered
from Coronavirus, that was more of Cardi B.
You can make anything happen with a little magic,
a little imagination, and 700,000,000 dollars in your bank.
(clicking)
Speaking of cash-eesh, Adele's request to keep details
of her $170,000,000 divorce secret
have been granted by an L.A. court.
That's smart because not everyone can divide by two!
I'ma need a napkin.
(spitting)
(gibbers) Carry the three.
(gasps)
That's a lot.
Sex therapist, Dr. Ruth, is telling parents to stop fighting
in front of their kids during the pandemic.
She also reminded couples the importance
of sanitizing their anal beads.
Just a little squirt.
(squirting)
I'd put Purell in a squirter, then-
(squirting) (squeaking)
(sniffing)
These aren't ready to go.
(sniffing)
Do they smell to start?
I haven't even done anything with them yet.
(sniffing)
It's actually a fun neck, take it off, okay.
Heather's tough today.
Tim Cook says Apple will soon
be producing 1,000,000 face shields a week
for medical workers.
But you know what?
The charge cords for the old face shields,
of course don't work on the new ones.
They have to buy a whole new fucking situation.
Actress, Funke Akindele,
was arrested for throwing a birthday party
after being the spokesperson
for Nigeria's stay at home campaign.
She immediately attempted to use the race card,
and then was like, "Oh wait, this is Nigeria."
(quacking)
(laughing)
Who cares, we're canceled.
A new smart toilet recognizes your bunghole
and analyzes your poo for diseases.
The pelican from the Flintstones said,
"It's a living, and you have lupus."
(camera woman laughing)
That's what I used to say, "It's a living."
Now I go, (groans).
Tyler Perry gave 42 Houston's Restaurant employees
$500 each in tips.
That's sweet, they were actually $500 vouchers
to go see his next movie "Madea got da 'Rona."
Got da 'rona.
It was a nice gesture though.
(crinkling)
All buh-bye!
(huming)
Buh-bye, buh-bye!
Do the bye-bye!
(whistling)
Do the bye-bye.
(whistling)
(upbeat music)