(upbeat music)
- [Speaker] The media accurately portrays
mental health and suicide.
Three, two, one, go.
- I don't think it does all the time,
especially because there's so many things
that can happen with any sort of mental illness,
which makes it then a problem
when you're trying to explain it to someone
because they think, "Oh, like in "13 Reasons Why."
And it's not always like that.
- [Speaker] At all.
- Sometimes they romanticize.
- Yes.
- Suicide and depression in media
and it's kind of like a weird balancing act
because there's some
mental illnesses that are like seen as trendy or attractive,
like anxiety or depression.
- And like especially with Twitter and stuff like that.
- Yeah.
- Everybody's like talking about it.
Everybody's be tweeting about it.
It's not a trend.
It's an actual issue that people live with every single day.
The media doesn't portray like people like myself.
I am a black lesbian woman
and I've dealt with depression for a very long time.
I've had suicidal thoughts, I've attempted it.
So for me to not have that representation,
it's kind of hard for me to relate to it.
- Well I think that the media
it doesn't portray it correctly,
but I also think that they're on the way up.
It's not good now, but it's getting better, I think.
- [Speaker] My family understands
why I wanted to end my life.
Three, two, one.
- The first time I attempted
was in middle school and that was kind of understandable
for my mom and my sister.
¡Cause at that time we were going
through a really nasty divorce.
So when that happened in middle school,
they kind of understood that that's what led to it.
And then two years ago I was drugged
and assaulted and that morning after I'd been found,
it was such a traumatic experience that my mom walked out
and I was just leaning over the balcony
and I remember breaking down crying because of the fact
that I thought I was gonna throw myself off of it.
- Oh, come here.
- Give me a hug.
- So I think I was fortunate enough to have a family
that was very understanding
of everything I was going through.
- I feel like my family didn't really understand.
A lot of people still don't know like what's happened
in my past.
I was assaulted and attempted and I was roommates
with my best friend.
She didn't even know.
No one knew.
So I was handling it all internally.
And now that they kind of know more or less like I wish,
I just wish they would've talked to me.
They would've asked questions.
'Cause I was in college just all alone
dealing with it by myself and no one knew.
- In my family.
My parents are both immigrants.
My mom was a refugee,
so everyone in my family struggled with severe mental health
and PTSD and we just never spoke about it.
I think the focus was make sure you assimilate,
make sure you get a good job,
make sure you're surviving.
Make sure people see you as you an American.
- My family had a really hard time
even understanding that I was struggling
with mental health because they thought I would
was doing so well in school.
And I have all these friends,
I'm hanging out with them all the time.
How could you have depression?
- I mean, just don't talk about it with my family.
I mean, when I told my sisters that I was coming
on here, they're like, oh, what's it about?
I was like, oh, it's called suicide survivors.
And they're like, wait, did you, I was like.
- [Speaker] I didn't actually wanna die.
Three, two, one, go.
- Every time I go through a depressive stage
I just want someone to hold me back.
And that's why I don't think I actually want to die.
I want to, I want to.
It's more I wanna live.
But it's really hard to do that.
- Every moment that passed by,
I was like more and more ready to like meet my maker.
I saw it as like the easiest way out.
Go somewhere where no one can find me
and then I'll be all right.
I don't know how I was found,
like somehow some way my friend like had a gut feeling
and then all of a sudden
like cops were like knocking on my window in my car.
- I went above and beyond when I was trying to attempt.
Me and my sister,
she was begging me to go to the doctor to tell someone
and I was very insistent like I don't want to.
So in those moments, yeah definitely I did wanna die.
But it was only because I didn't know any other solution.
- I definitely wanted to end it all,
at the moment that I was at.
I was ready to end it and I made sure
that I was in a place where nobody could find me.
Thinking back to when I was sitting
in that creek and everything that was going on,
I'm really happy that I got up and walked away.
I had kind of an epiphany when I was down there and going
in and outta con consciousness that my life is valuable.
- [Speaker] Suicide is selfish.
Three, two, one.
- I think it is pretty selfish.
It's a decision that you're making on your own.
You're also not putting much consideration
into your family members, your friends.
And I think the effects of you killing yourself
and leaving your friends and family
behind could potentially lead to maybe one of them doing it.
My mother,
she was going through a divorce right
around the time when I tried
to kill myself.
And she told me that she thought
about it too and that she wanted to,
but she knew like when she saw me go through it
that she couldn't.
Killing yourself could be selfish
because of the other people that would be affected.
- See, I get where you're coming from, but I also, for me,
the first time I attempted in my mind that was
gonna be the option that would make things easier
for my family.
And even the second time,
for me, it was what was gonna make things easier,
because in my mind
my family didn't want somebody that had just
been drugged and assaulted.
Like that's a huge burden to be carrying.
And so I didn't wanna place that burden
that I was gonna have to go through
and the financial burden of that on my family.
- But I mean, look at all of us.
I mean, we all thought that was our option.
We thought that that was the way to go.
And afterwards we saw the benefits
of actually surviving and not having to be dead.
- And that's why I moved,
is because I agree with everything that you said.
And then I also agree with you about the family situation
and about how thinking about your family
and thinking about the people that love you.
I recently just got reconnected with my biological father.
If I would've ended my life at 16,
that would've never happened.
He would've found me
and he would've got the horrible news like, oh yeah,
your daughter committed suicide at 16.
So that aspect of it does make me feel like, yes,
that is selfish because there are still people
who I don't even know who love me.
- I agree with you saying that suicide can be selfish
because it's such a huge trauma to a lot of people.
But for people going through that actual moment,
what I felt most frustrated about was,
okay, people don't want me to die.
People want me to live,
but I don't know how I'm going to live.
Because at that time,
I didn't know if I could even start medical transition.
I didn't.
And I know trans people in Korea are not even employed.
So how am I even gonna get a job?
I need some kind of support to continue living.
But that was so hard to find.
- [Speaker] I am a happy person.
Three, two, one. go.
- I think I once was like very unhappy
and very dark on the inside.
And I always portrayed being that friendly, outgoing person.
Now I'm genuinely happy
on the inside cause I've worked so hard,
equally as hard as I do all my physical fitness
with my mental health and being happy to me is feeling
at one with yourself, which is sometimes just being alone.
Which is okay.
And I feel like people make that like, oh,
you're alone all the time.
You're excluding yourself.
No, it's not that I'm taking that space
for myself to be happy.
- For me, I feel like happiness is a lot of pressure.
Like I don't wanna measure myself on one emotion.
I feel like there's the spectrum
of different things you can feel.
You can feel upset
you can feel happy, you can feel depressed.
And for me it's just,
I don't need to be in a constant state of it.
So I think when we talk about happiness, it gets confusing.
'Cause I think generally we're just saying, are you okay?
And to me that's different.
- It really saddens me that I am standing here,
because I know it will disappoint a lot of people around me,
because they all all want happiness for me.
And sometimes I feel like I need to be happy
because I need to fulfill those people's wishes.
But it's not actually that it's supposed to be
for my own sake.
And it's also like every day I struggle with a lot
of things like being trans,
being a non-US citizen who is trying to immigrate here,
having family issues.
- It's okay to not be okay.
- Yeah.
- Like don't feel like you
have to be forced to be happy.
- And that's the thing,
like if you had asked me a month ago,
I would've been standing over there with you.
It's such a wave.
But like the past week, it's been a good week for me.
But I mean, a month ago I would've been right over there.
- [Speaker] It gets better.
Three, two, one.
- I think in terms of the statement, it gets better.
There's kind of a little tagline that comes after it,
but it does take time.
You don't heal right away.
Sometimes you're gonna be in that dark place
and you have to ride it out
and you just have to find that willpower inside yourself.
And it's very hard sometimes.
- I feel like something that I was told a lot growing
up was that it doesn't get better
and that life gets worse and all those things,
like it totally gets better.
Everyone was wrong.
Take those risks,
like have faith in your own abilities,
like push yourself as far as you can go.
That's what I've been doing for the last three years.
And it gets better.
- I feel like for me, I'm in a position
of privilege because it did get better for me.
I had access to resources.
I had health insurance so I could see a therapist.
I have a job, so I have financial stability.
I don't think that everyone gets that.
I don't think that everyone is dealt the same hand.
- I'm on the side of agreement here.
I think that time heals all.
Earlier I said I wasn't happy, but compared to where
I was when I tried to kill myself, tremendously improved.
I'm not in that deep, dark state of mind.
And I do want to live.
There's not, I mean, I still struggle with it
but I don't want to die.
- And I think that's all that matters.
- Our society is so adamant about
making it a point that,
well, you have to get better quickly.
- Instant gratification. - Instant gratification.
- Right, you have to get better quickly
or you have to act like you're at least better quickly
and you don't.
It's okay to act like you're not okay for that time being,
but as long as you get out
of it and get there and take your time
and do what you need, that's all that matters.
- Can I get a hug?
- It gets better everyone.
- It does.
- [All] Group hug.
(upbeat music)