♪♪♪ >> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> HI. GOOD EVENING EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP THE MANCH WHO
SAID HE WOULD OWN THE SHUT DOWN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE PEOPLE
WHO ARE UNPAID WHO CAN'T AFFORD FOOD.
HE'S AIR BILLIONAIRE WHO CONTROLS ALL THE HAMBURGERS IN
THE WORLD. AFTER HE WAS THROUGH HOSTING HIS
BURGER ORGY, HE MADE A NEW PROPOSAL TO END THE SHUT DOWN
AND THAT WAS BASICALLY YOU GIVE ME $5.7 BILLION AND I WILL GIVE
YOU BACK THE DREAMERS. AM I THE ONLY WHO THINKS IT
SOUNDS LIKE A HOSTAGE PROPOSAL? HIS PROTECTIONS ARE NOT EVEN
REAL LAWS. THEY ARE VAGUE PROMISES HE'S
MAKING. I TRUST A PROMISE FROM DONALD
TRUMP AS MUCH AS R KELLY IN A CLAIR'S BOUTIQUE.
>> I AGREE. THAT SPEECH SUCKED.
FIRST OF ALL, HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY HI.
HE JUST STARTED TALKING LIKE WE WERE ALREADY TALKING.
THEN HE SAID HE WOULD STOP HALF THE CRIME WITH THE SLATS.
THAT'S A WALL WITHOUT ALL THE WALL.
HEAR THAT, MEXICO. GOOD LUCK TRYING TO CRACK THIS
CODE. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, PASS
YOUR DRUGS AND SMALL CHILDREN THROUGH THE SMALL SLATS?
IMAGINE YOU AIR COAST GUARD OR TSA OR ANY OF THE THOUSANDS OF
WORKERS ACTUALLY STOPPING CRIME FROM DRUGS FROM GETTING INTO
THIS COUNTRY AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PAID IN A MONTH.
THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T SAY SORRY OR DOESN'T EVEN SAY HI AND SAYS
WHAT Y'ALL THINK ABOUT SLATS? >> THE OTHER BIG NEWS IS BUZZ
FEED PUBLISHED A STORY THAT SAID ROBERT MUELLER HAD EVIDENCE OF
TRUMP COMMITTING AN IMPEACHABLE CRIME.
THE DETAILS WERE SO SKETCHY EVEN MUELLER'S TEAM WAS OKAY, FAKE
NEWS. HOW DISAPPOINTING WAS THAT.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY SUBURBAN MOMS HAD TO RETRACT THE PARTICULARS
SAYING WE GOT HIM? THE WHITE HOUSE IS NOW
CELEBRATING THAT MUELLER DISPUTED THIS WHILE THERE ARE
LIKE 100 OTHER CRIMES ON THE TABLE.
IF YOU GOT TESTED FOR EVERY STD AND YOUR DOCTOR SAID THE GOOD
NEWS IS YOU DON'T HAVE CHLAMYDIA, YOU WOULDN'T SAY
THAT'S ALL I 92ED TO HEAR. NO CONDOMS FOR THIS GUY.
>> THAT'S GOING TO BE A MEME. >> BUZZ FEED, I THINK IT'S
GREAT. WE THINK IT'S GREAT THAW WANT TO
HELP, BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT WE NEED FROM YOU.
Y'ALL AT BUZZ FEED, YOU DO MEMES AND LISTS.
EVERYBODY HAS AN AUNT WHO HAS ROACHES AND EVERY THANKSGIVING
SHE SAYS WHAT SHOULD I BRING AND WE ARE LIKE UM, ICE.
YOU BRING THE ICE BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO PICK RAISINS OUT
OF THE TURKEY. THAT'S YOU, BUZZ FEED.
YOU BRING THE ICE. AS DR. KING ONCE SAID, DON'T GO
CHASING WATER FALLS. STICK TO THE RIVERS AND THE
LAKES YOU ARE USED TO. KIDS COME UP TO ME AND SAY I GET
ALL MY NEWS FROM YOU. I SAY DON'T DO THAT.
I BRING THE ICE. >>> ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI WHO
SERVED AS WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR FOR TWO
WEEKS IS JOINING CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER AND SEAN SPICER IS THE
POODLE. FRESHMAN REPRESENTATIVE
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ WILL BE GIVING LESSONS TO HER FORMER
DEMOCRAT ON HOW TO USE TWITTER MORE EFFECTIVE FOLLOWED BY CHUCK
SCHUMER TEACHING ZUMBA.