What's up everyone?
Welcome back to Ask Dan Anything I'm Dan Munro, confidence coach and co-founder of BROJO and
today I'm going to be answering a question from the audience so to speak.
So I got an email from a young woman who's just lost her virginity to a guy and they
don't have any sort of established label on their relationship and she wants to know what
I think she should do about her current dilemma.
So I'm going to read out the question and I'm gonna go through my answer and we'll see
what everyone thinks of this.
So she says "I need advice, I don't know where this guy that I'm dealing with head is at"
t(hey're both under 20) "So I've known this guy for two months now.
He's taken me on several dates.
We don't have a title yet but we ended up having sex" (I'm gonna skip the next bit because
it shows some specific details that might give away who these people are).
But anyway, the sex went well but because he's shy and he knows that he took her virginity,
she feels that he doesn't know how to talk to her now, he doesn't know how to how to
come at her.
She wants to have sex with him again.
She also wouldn't mind pursuing an emotional connection with him, but because they don't
have a title, they don't have an official relationship she doesn't feel like she has
the right to kind of push him or challenge him about this.
She's saying "We could pursue an emotional connection but is it too late because we've
had sex now?"
So basically this guy's kind of gone a bit cold and weird it sounds like, since you guys
had sex, and you'd like to see him again but because you're not officially boyfriend and
girlfriend you don't feel like you can have the right to ask for what you want.
That's what I'll be addressing today.
So there's a couple of things to look at there.
Before I go into that, just to remind you that for those of you watching this, if you
want to get lots of confidence building videos and you want to develop your social skill
mastery, make sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel.
You'll be able to do it below or you can click the BROJO logo that comes up at the end of
the video.
So we've got a few things going on in this question that I want to try and see if I can
apply to people generally as well as answer the specific person who wrote this in.
First and foremost, we'll get one option out of the way which is the "tap and gap" kind
of guy.
So for girls out there who have had sex with a guy and he suddenly sort of goes cold and
disappears, there's a hook-up culture type thing (this isn't what's happening in this
situation I'm sure) but if it was what I suggest is that this is actually about a preventative
measure.
If you're worried about guys just kind of using you for sex and then moving on - just
notching up the bedpost sort of thing - just hold out for a couple of dates, that's all
it takes to get rid of the old tire kickers you know.
And avoid online dating apps like Tinder and all these like quick-hookup apps.
Go meet people in real life, through your hobbies, through your circle of friends - it'll
be much less likely that you'll come across the kind of more predatory guys.
So let's get that out of the way coz that's not what this situation is.
Short answer: directly discuss what you're feeling or what you're thinking with the guy
okay.
Don't wait for permission.
Don't sit around waiting for a title to be formed or waiting for him to make the next
move.
Go to him and be direct.
Be willing to lose him rather than try to play it safe and not do anything that might
scare him away okay.
If he's gonna be scared away then scare him away - get it out of the way early.
If he's good for you, you won't be able to do that with honesty - being honest will just
draw him in.
So you can't really lose either way, it's already kind of predetermined.
Don't ask for what you want - tell them what you want, and then give them a chance to respond
and reciprocate, and a clear path they can follow.
Now what I mean by this is rather than saying to someone like "I want to be your boyfriend"
or sorry saying something like "Are we boyfriend/girlfriend?
What are we now?" or "Where's this going?" or "Can we see each other again?"
You can just say what you want.
which is "I'd like to see you again.
I'd like to take this further.
I want to have sex with you again."
You should be very direct with them, preferably in person if you can or on the phone - not
by text!
I know I sound like an old man for saying that but honestly text is just the worst form
of communication - it's just a cowardly, really like insecure form of communication.
But even if text is the best you can come up with, with your level of courage, go for
it.
Just say "Look, I want this" and give them clear guidance as to how they can show you
whether or not they're on board with this.
So rather than saying "Can I be... you know can we be girlfriend and boyfriend?"
You can say "Look I'd like to get into a committed relationship with you, if you're on board
with this call me back."
You know or "If this is what you want too, let me know.
" Just as kind of like I'm gonna give you this offer and here's how you show me that
you like this offer, and if I don't see that from you I'm gonna assume it's a No and I'm
gonna move on with my life.
And you can kind of give them this out - it's like either you're keen and here's how you
would show me how you're keen, or you're not and I'm gonna continue on, I'm not gonna chase
you."
Okay chasing is the worst because if someone's like scared and they're on the fence about
you, chasing them just makes it guaranteed that they're gonna run away.
Whereas if you say "Look this is what I want, here's all my cards on the table.
If you want the same thing get in touch" they're kind of free to decide.
There's no pressure or obligation.
They can just do nothing if they want, and you'll leave them alone.
The question you really asked "How can I ask for something if I don't have a title?"
Well no relationship actually needs a title.
A connection between two people is just a connection.
Those titles that we give it are just bullshit we make up to feel more secure about loyalty.
In reality, it's just connections and every connection needs boundaries and clear expectations.
You need to know what each other wants from the connection, and if the other person isn't
giving it then go first, lead, say "This is what I want and you need to tell me what you
want or we can't go any further."
There really needs to always be this option on your side that you will call it off if
certain respect is not paid to you.
If the other person is not reciprocating and not investing equally to you, you will end
the whole thing okay.
If you don't have that option available or you're not willing to take that option, then
you're powerless all right.
And then you'll always be doomed to like poor-fit connections.
Does sex cut off emotional availability?
Once you have sex is it all over?
Is the chance for emotional connection done?
Actually I think it's the opposite.
I think having sex often enables an emotional connection, especially with emotionally repressed
guys.
There's an old joke really that guys are they're most honest right after they cum, and it's
so true because it's the one time where we don't give a fuck how we're seen.
That's why some guys cry after sex I'm sure.
But actually having sex with someone is such an emotional event and it's such a vulnerable
event that it can be the gateway to a deeper connection.
I've always wondered how sexless relationships, like people waiting for marriage or whatever,
how deep their connection can be without it.
I know I can have deep connections with people without having sex with them, but it doesn't
mean that once you have sex, that's the level of emotional depth that you're gonna get to,
you just cut it off.
Actually you're just beginning okay.
Now you've seen each other naked, you've been inside each other, what's left to hide?
Your may as well let all the other stuff out too, you may as well talk about your secrets
and your relationship with your parents and how you really feel about each other and your
boundaries and your beliefs.
That gateway has been opened by sex, not closed by it.
The key thing - I've already said this but I really want to make the point again - never
leave a relationship in someone else's hands.
Never be the one waiting for their decision.
Always have this kind of independence where if somebody else isn't playing ball - they're
not respecting you, they're not reciprocating, they're not investing - you've got an option,
and that option is to move on with your life.
Never put yourself in a position where you're hoping somebody else will behave in a certain
way.
Ask for what you want, tell them what you want, however you want to phrase it, tell
them what they need to do to show you that they're going to deliver that and then move
on with your life okay.
If they're good for you they will come back in and say "No wait, I'm ready" and you won't
have to do anything extra.
You won't have to chase or pressure or manipulate or you know - what do you cal it, I've forgotten
the word - ultimatum!
You won't have to do any of that okay.
Now that was my answer for the general audience, but for you specifically - the girl who sent
this question in - you're both young and you're both inexperienced, so you can relax a little
bit.
You're not going to know the answers to all of this stuff, you have to figure it out.
You're actually going through the process of figuring it out.
It's not like you're lacking something.
You're both kind of shooting in the dark here.
He's as confused about this as you are, and his response isn't like - he probably isn't
being cold and hostile, it's more likely he doesn't know how to act.
He doesn't want to hurt you, he doesn't want to screw things up, so he's scared to do anything
at all.
He's kind of just playing it passive, hoping that something else kind of moves this forward
without him needing to take a risk.
There's no "right" way to deal with this.
It's a myth that people get like more mature as they grow up, really!
People my age and older are just as confused about these matters as you are!
There's no right way to do this you're gonna have to figure it out, the right way for the
two of you, not the right way in general.
But you and him just need to sit down, have a vulnerable conversation, like "What are
we doing?
This is what I want.
What do you want?
Let's figure this out one way or the other" and nobody can really tell you the right way
to do that because it's your connection with him.
It's nobody else's business - not mine, not anybody's okay.
You two get together, sort it out - your own unique solution to this between the two of
you.
So thank you for watching, I really appreciate feedback so leave your comments below, I love
to hear from you, and don't forget to subscribe so that you're the first to receive all our
latest social mastery and confidence-building tips, and if you enjoyed this video and you
would like me to answer one of your questions email me dan@brojo.co.nz for more support.
I respond to everyone, even though there's a bit of a waitlist, I'll get to you eventually.
Hope you enjoyed that see you next time.
Cheers