- By the way, Renaissance fair people are never this hot.
- No.
What a pleasure and what a privilege
I believe it to be, to be the son of the devil.
- I love Christians in small towns because,
"You can't have the baby!"
"but if you're gonna have it, it has to be a bartender".
(suspenseful music)
(soft chiming)
I bet you she takes him for a haircut eventually.
- Well, if this were real true to life, mama,
she'd be taking him to cosmetic dentistry.
'Cause he shouldn't have these brown fucking
wooden slats hanging out of his mouth.
- Yes.
He's a really great guy,
so I'm getting him top and bottom veneers.
(Katya laughs)
- And also, "Tina, I'm calling it quits".
- The B.O. - Yeah.
- You know in this movie,
- Everybody smells like the cat's ass.
- That this man, the real Vanessa Hudgens
in real life would be like, "Oh my God"
- [Both] "Did you shit yourself?"
(both laugh)
(soft chiming)
- Aren't you a little young to be bartending?
- Okay, I gotta update you.
Stop, I gotta update you on the child bartender.
Now we're not gonna laugh.
It's very sad, but you guessed it.
The young bartender, the precocious young girl,
was hit by a car.
(Katya laughing)
(soft chiming)
- We were on our way to the cemetery
so she could leave flowers on her mother's grave,
like every Christmas.
- [Trixie] Whoa, is that her blood? That's a lot of blood.
- My baby girl.
- Who hit her with the car? That's what I wanna know.
Regina's car has blood all over the hood,
she's trying to wipe it off.
"I can't believe who's done this!"
Would you gag if that car just kept driving
through that crowd of people?
- (laughing) Yes!
Slowly, slowly.
- Slowly, so slow!
- That's my new year's resolution,
to get my license, buy a car,
and drive very slowly into festivals (laughing)
- You're not even reacting,
you're listening to like,
♪ I don't wanna wait for ♪
or like, even better, you're listening to like,
"The universe is yours."
"Say it."
"I am a success".
Like a self-help tape.
- With giant earphones on.
(Trixie laughing)
(soft chiming)
- Who are they stealing keys and a baby from?
- Oh, the baby's alive.
- Is that baby climbing a ladder?
Are you trying to tell me that that baby is
That baby said, "See ya at gymboree, bitch".
(Katya laughing)
(soft chiming)
And today's episode is brought to you by the letter G,
as in "Girl, get out of there".
- Girl, what the (beep) you doing in there?
- Girl, don't run up the stairs, run out the front door.
- Girl, you've done it again. (Trixie laughing)
Constantly getting murdered, and doing it flawlessly.
(soft chiming)
- I'm sorry I can't keep you, Alyssa.
- This little peanut pecker?
Oh, you better believe Ms. Lawrence is gonna
(beep) cash him outside.
You better work, come on. - [Trixie] Get up, Julia.
- Bam, bam, nail gun, nail gun. (gunshots firing)
Oh, regular gun.
(suspenseful music)
- Oh, I don't like it!
I don't like it.
You'd be flash lighting around and it would cut to me
and I'd be like
(both laughing)
(soft chiming)
- This rock, once you touch it, you'll know.
- He sounds like a used car salesman.
"You gotta trust me on this,
five little fingers on that rock"
"your life's gonna be changed, whoa!"
- Would you touch the rock?
- Absolutely, I would.
Both hands, and my titties.
- You'd be already nude, pressed against it.
- Not even halfway through his speech,
my titties would be sliding down that rock.
- We'd blink and you'd be gone,
and we'd push the rock over and you're under it.
- You roll the rock and I'm like, "vibe check".
(both laughing)
- Vibe check!
(soft chiming)
(gasps) Lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
(Trixie screams)
(soft chiming)
I don't know who, back in the day,
thought you could cure anything
by stabbing someone in the brain through their eye.
- I just watched this on "Ratched".
They were curing lesbianism, neuroticism,
homosexuality, compulsive behaviors,
by twisting a knife into your frontal lobe,
through the soft bone of your skull.
- You can't un-gay me with an ice pick.
You could stack 20 of those in my brain,
and I'm gonna come out (squeals).
- I'm back! (laughing)
- The second you pull that out, I'm gonna,
(Trixie clicks fingers and makes percussion noise)
They'll be like, "Look at this, read the letters".
And I'll have one eye covered, I'll be like,
♪ I may be dry but at least I'm alive ♪
The more things you put in me, the gayer I get.
(soft chiming)
- Use the lighter!
- [Trixie] Oh my God, this is truly rotten.
- I want spookies.
- Damn it, girl, hurting yourself for money,
we do drag.
- Yeah, I tucked my penis so
it has no sensation in it anymore.
(Trixie laughing) (soft chiming)
(Man grunting) (Woman screaming)
- Wouldn't you want to be the son of Satan
if you got to do that?
- Abso-(beep)-lutley, I'd go back to my high school
and be like, "Y'all ain't ready".
(Trixie laughing)
What did you call me? I believe it started with an F.
Did you want to say that again to me?
(Katya making explosion sound effect)
- Let's say it to the microphone.
Let's see what the audience thinks.
Girl, I'd be over there at the auto value
trying to get my breaks re-did.
And they would say, "It's $695"
I would say, "How much is it?" and snap my fingers.
Rita, who works at the front counter
would be floating around upside down on fire.
I'd say, "You better do it for free".
And you know what else?
Satan's not gonna make you get up for 8:00 AM service.
- Thank you.
- Satan's gonna be like, "Oh yeah,
On Halloween at midnight, go to this bar."
"It's BYOB, we're doing tapas".
Chill vibes only.
- Just vibing with the devil.
- Just vibing with the devil (laughing)
(soft chiming)
- Remove your shoes!
- Square feet.
- All the witches have square feet.
This is us taking off the shoe to reveal
the six pairs of Capezio killing the toes.
- This is--
- Getting out of drag com.org,
- Getting out of drag.
- Now some of you ask what Ru Paul's really like.
- (laughing) Yeah.
- And the wigs coming off, and everyone's bald with sores.
This movie is amazing.
- You're a disgrace.
- This is BeBe Zahara Benet to me
when I don't share one of her music videos.
- (laughing) You're repulsive worms!
I remember when I was watching this,
I was like, a little offended because I was like
(both laughing)
because what I thought is, I was like a full on witch,
and I'm like ugly hands, gnarled feet, no hair.
I was like, "Can I have at least one redeeming quality?"
(both laughing)
- Well, you get to have magic.
Would you wanna have witch powers
if it means you have to wear a wig,
have square feet, ugly hands, all that?
- Oh, so just business as usual plus magic?
Wonderful. (both laughing)
(soft chiming)
- You stay right there, dog.
- [Trixie] Is that a dog?
- Oh yeah, dog is eating the dead guy.
Eating his face right off.
- [Trixie] She's been in this bed for a while.
- She needs to get her hand out of the cuff.
And, as you might be able to imagine,
it turns a little bit disgusting.
- Couldn't be me.
I'm so thin, I would've gone,
"I'm stuck! Oh." (both laughing)
(soft chiming)
- [Trixie] That mom is so glam.
- She is so glam, ah!
In a football jersey, beautiful flawless legs crossed,
just "Ugh, what in the world is happening"
"on this bed tonight?"
- My kids are being murdered down the hall,
but look at this hair cut, such bangs!
- Oh god, I just don't know what to do with this hair!
(Katya laughing)
- Brian! (screaming)
- Oh yeah, it's the ghost sex of your dreams.
Crazy. This shit is crazy.