Are you dealing with a narcissist and suspect that you might be a victim of one of their
seven deadly sins?
Stay tuned to find out what the seven deadly sins are and what you can do about it.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% divorce attorney, and the bestselling author of the books, Negotiate
Like You M.A.T.T.E.R and Breaking Free: A Step-by-Step Divorce Guide.
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So let's talk about narcissist and their seven deadly sins.
One of the things that you should know is that narcissism is a legit personality disorder,
and it causes people to have no sense of inner value, zero sense of inner value.
They have to get all of their value from the external, and it causes them to have a complete
lack of empathy or care for anyone else.
There's just something that's broken inside of them that they just can't.
They can't feel a capacity of care for the other person.
So understand that there are three different types of narcissist in general, which are
the covert narcissist, which I call the wolf in sheep's clothing.
That's the one that I was actually a victim of two of them, not husbands, but people in
my life.
And so I have my own serious disdain for covert narcissist, but these are the people that
look really nice.
They appear to be wonderful, kind, good people.
Oftentimes they're psychologists or lawyers or doctors or clergy or people who have a
lot of respect in the community.
So that's covert narcissist.
The second type of narcissist is your grandiose or overt narcissist is sometimes what they're
called.
And that's more of what I call the garden variety narcissist.
The one that you normally think of when you think of narcissist, that's the kind that
goes around telling everybody how great they are all the time.
And the funny thing for me is that when I discovered that the two people that I was
dealing with were covert narcissist, when it was brought up to me that that's what they
were.
I thought, Oh no, I don't think they're narcissists.
I think that might be insecure, but that's because they're covert.
The overt or a grandiose narcissist goes around telling everybody how great they are.
They're very boastful, braggadocious.
They really stand out as narcissists and people will often say, Oh, they're narcissist.
Which to me, those people are actually less insidious than the covert because you can
see them coming a mile away.
The third type of narcissist is what we call the malignant narcissist.
And this is the type that can to be pretty dangerous and really pretty evil.
This is the kind that might tend to engage in stalking or violence or threats of violence
or something like that, or they have no problem calling the police and falsely accusing people
of horrible things like child molestation when they know for sure that that's a complete
lie.
That's just so evil and awful, and that's a malignant narcissist.
And you can have different types of narcissists that are in combination as well.
Like you can have a malignant-covert narcissist, that sort of thing.
So those are the three types.
So now let's talk about the seven deadly sins.
So the first deadly sin is shamelessness.
Narcissists are openly and proudly shameless, especially the grandiose and the malignant
type.
They're not bound by the emotional needs of others so they're just shameless in the kinds
of things that they go after.
And actually let me amend that and just say, I've seen covert narcissist be shameless in
the kinds of things that they think that they're entitled to as well.
And that they'll go right after.
They loath criticism.
They consider criticism to be toxic and any hint, smell, whistle, tone of criticism, they
will take very, very personally because it implies that they're not perfect and need
to change.
Number two is magical thinking.
Narcissists want to project that they are perfect and so they distort everything through
that lens.
And so part of this magical thinking piece is they project their faults and flaws through
others.
This is part of the whole gaslighting thing.
So if you say, Hey, you drop the ball on that deadline to a co-worker or an employee, then
they're always going to have some excuse as to why it was somebody else's fault.
Number three is arrogance.
They are extremely arrogant.
And oftentimes they have to feel like they need to inflate their ego by deflating others.
So this is where you will see them deflating, devaluing, degrading, cutting down others,
because they need to feel like they are superior to everyone else.
Number four is envy.
Oh, my goodness.
Narcissists are so envious of everyone else and they're envious in every possible way.
Life is just not fair for the narcissist.
So if someone else has more money than they do, has a better position than they do, got
something that they didn't, got attention that they didn't receive, even if it has nothing
to do with them, absolutely nothing to do with them at all.
And most of the time, it doesn't, they are extremely jealous of other people.
So this is where you'll find them maybe devaluing somebody else's contribution or not valuing
it at all, or poo-pooing it or saying that it really didn't matter, or it didn't actually
contribute to anything.
They are contemptuous and minimize other people's accomplishments.
And they're so jealous of them that they just constantly want to bring them down.
Number five is entitlement.
Narcissist hold an unreasonable expectation of special treatment.
They think that they should get the best parking spaces or the best places in the restaurant,
or they shouldn't have to wait for anything.
They think that everyone should see them as entitled and special.
And if you don't fall in line with that, then you're going to be subject to their ire.
Failure to comply with this entitlement piece is considered to be an attack because with
a narcissist you're either for them or you're against them.
You can't just be neutral.
You can't just walk away from each other like two normal people or just decide you don't
want to work together anymore or you just don't want to be in a relationship anymore.
You can't just wish each other well and move forward.
No, no, no.
Can't work that way.
You're either for them or it's an attack on them.
And defiance of their will is something that inflames their narcissistic injury, which
will trigger their narcissistic rage.
If you have seen any of these deadly sins so far, give me a "I've seen it" in the comments.
Number six is exploitation.
And what this means is that narcissists will use people for whatever they need to use them
for.
They exploit others.
So the thing about narcissists that you have to remember is that you really have no value
to a narcissist other than what you can bring to them.
Narcissists need an endless amount of what we call supply and supply can be negative,
or it could be positive.
And what I mean by that because really no supply is good in a sense, but what I mean
by that is that narcissistic supply is anything that feeds their ego.
So it could be having the biggest house, the biggest job, the biggest bank account, the
best friends, the most high in the highest places, the most recognition, things like
that.
But narcissistic supply can also come in the form of treating people badly, degrading,
debasing, cutting people down, some of the other deadly sins that we just talked about.
So once you decide you don't want to be in a relationship with a narcissist anymore,
then you no longer have any value to them.
And as I said before, you're either for them or you're against them because they're exploiting
you, they're using you.
So this can take many different forms, but exploiting others always involves using others
without any regard for their feelings or interests.
And number seven, drum roll, please, number seven is no boundaries.
Narcissists have no boundaries.
That's part of being a narcissist.
And the interesting thing that I always think about boundaries, because I've had to deal
with this with the covert narcissist that were in my life is that you're supposed to
respect their boundaries.
They don't have to respect yours.
That's how that goes.
And so, they'll show up at your work, they'll show up at your office.
They'll break into your computer, they'll read your email, they'll read your mail, whatever
they feel entitled to do.
That's part of the entitlement as well.
And this is where if you're talking about a malignant narcissist, you might see stalking,
something like that.
So if you are dealing with a narcissist and you have been a victim of one or more of these
seven deadly sins, then you need to protect yourself.
And the first thing that I would say is put up very steel boundaries and go no contact
if you possibly can.
Make sure that they understand that you're no longer there to be used by them or abused
by them.
And honestly, because narcissists really can't be rehabilitated.
I mean, they can learn what better behavior is, but I'm not convinced that they can really
ever be rehabilitated to the point where they can actually feel something for another person.
I would just say, move on and you know, bye Felicia.
Move on to find somebody who's actually going to care about you and your best interests.
Thanks so much for joining me here today.
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