I give tips throughout the show.
I swear to God.
North Dakota is our 39th state.
(audience laughing)
You know what happens to me all--
Does this ever happen to you guys?
You ever ask someone if they know
someone and then they tell you
another name?
How's that possible?
That happens to me like once
a month.
I go, you know Mike Anderson?
He goes, "I know a Flip Gunderson."
(audience laughing)
Did you hear me say Flip Gunderson?
(audience laughing)
Sometimes they don't even have
the right sex.
I go, you know Mike Smith?
He goes, "we know Denise Smith."
I go, yeah, that's the guy.
(audience laughing)
What, you got a plate in your head?
What's the matter with you?
(audience laughing)
You folks are going to have kids,
don't give them weird names
because then they do weird stuff.
You know that?
Yeah, names are important.
You know Hitler, if that guy's name
was Chip, none of that stuff
would have happened.
(audience laughing)
Who'll take a guy like that serious?
Little, little Chip Hitler.
(audience laughing)
You know?
Like all the nazis they're having
a meeting.
They're like, "guess who wants to be
"our leader?"
And they're like who?
"Friggin Chip."
(audience laughing)
They're like, what?
Little Chip with the mustache?
(audience laughing)
Got to have a good name.
It's like my brother.
My brother, he goes-- "oh, we're
"just having one kid
"and we're calling it quits."
I'm like, that's a weird name
for a kid.
(audience laughing)
These are the idiots I hang out
with.
(audience laughing)
I think when people meet me
they think they're giving me
a compliment, you know.
They go, "so that's your name, Rocky?"
And I go, yeah.
And they go, "I got a dog named
"Rocky."
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Like that's a compliment?
(audience laughing)
What if I did that to you?
You seem like a nice lady.
What's your name?
- Jan.
That's a nice name.
Are you married there, Jan?
What's going on?
- No.
- Never been?
- No.
- Oh, good for you.
Well, I mean, you know--
who's been divorced here before,
by applause?
That's a-- come on.
You didn't get remarried?
Oh, you did?
Oh, your tolerance goes way down,
though, right after--
yeah, women, they don't put up
with nothing a second time.
(audience laughing)
You're like,
hey did you see my socks?
And you're like, hey,
I'm out of here.
I don't need this crap.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
I had to get divorced.
My ex-wife-- she used to talk to me
like I'm an idiot.
Everything she'd say-- like,
everything I'd say she'd correct me
and I couldn't take it no more.
I'm like, Lisa, quit correcting me.
She's like, "my name is Sheila."
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
It was stuff like that every day.
(audience laughing)
And she'd argue with anybody,
you know, people like that, they
argue all the time with people.
Yeah.
We went to a psychic one time
and he was telling her stuff she
didn't want to hear.
She gets in an argument with a guy--
who argues with a psychic, first
of all.
They don't even--
He goes, "your wife's a lunatic."
I'm like, this guy's good.
(audience laughing)
Wow.
I know, and I didn't tell him
nothing.
He knew, it was spooky.
I had the chills.
(audience laughing)
But you're like me, Jan.
You're trying to date there
and there's all those crazy people
out there.
I read that book, that "Men
"are from Mars and Women
"are from Phoenix."
You ever read that?
(audience laughing)
No, Jan?
I like being divorced.
I get to do different things now,
like talk and stuff.
Yeah, it's a true story.
(audience laughing)
We went out to eat before the show
and the restaurant,
they had those heart-healthy meals.
Like they show a salad and then
they put that little heart
next to it.
They should do that for bad food
too, don't you think?
Like maybe, on a side of fried food
there's a picture of a guy clutching
his chest.
He's, like "holy crap."
(audience laughing)
Or like on spicy Mexican food
there's a picture of a guy
like running to the bathroom.
It's like, ooh-- flames coming out--
you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
You ever eat so much food you start
sweating?
That ever happen to you?
You know, like, I got to cool off
and then you shove ice cream
down your--
(audience laughing)
it's crazy.
You ever go to a drive-thru
and you order so much food when you
get up to the front to pay,
they're shocked there's only one
person in the car?
(audience laughing)
We eat too much.
That's what they said now--
2/3 of Americans are overweight.
You know a good thing about that,
if you are?
There's not a lot of people left
to make fun of you,
you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, we're the majority.
The odds are now if somebody comes
up and they go, "hey, you're
"fat"-- you're like, so are you.
Oh, yeah.
(audience laughing)
Hey, let's have a zoo.
(audience laughing)
My buddy talked me into doing one
of those half marathons.
It's like 13.2 miles, or whatever.
Yeah.
Winner did in two hours.
It took me six.
Yeah, who's the endurance athlete
here?
(audience cheering)
People were throwing up.
I didn't break a sweat.
(audience laughing)
It's hard working out, though,
ain't it?
You ever go into a gym
and look around and like start
crying.
Do you ever do that?
(audience laughing)
They had a sign in my gym
that said, go heavy or go home.
And I went home.
(audience laughing)
I like my home.
I got snacks there.
I got jujubes.
I love jujube.
Then they always go, join the gym,
it's only $30 a month, right?
Who's going to work out
for a whole month?
(audience laughing)
How much is it for like 20 minutes?
(audience laughing)
Then when you join a gym they always
go, what are your-- what do they
always ask you?
They go, "what are your goals," right?
"What are your goals?"
I'd like to be able to button
my pants.
That would be nice.
(audience laughing)
I was working out with my buddy
the other day.
He goes, "you got a nice tan
"on your face."
I'm like, I'm having a stroke.
(audience laughing)
The UFC is real big now too, right.
The UFC-- yeah.
They have the UFC training in my gym
and the guy goes,
"you want to sign up for UFC?"
I'm like, no I'm already just signed
up with KFC.
And yeah, I got two years
of the extra crispy.
(audience laughing)
I just started lifting weights
because I wasn't getting the results
I wanted from eating pizza.
(audience laughing)
You know what's sad?
I exercise and I weigh this much.
I got to work out just to stay kind
of fat.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
That's not funny.
(audience laughing)
My brother, he don't work out.
He eats junk and he's skinny.
You know people like that?
Yeah, you want to punch him
in the neck.
(audience laughing)
He eats corn dogs.
Who invented a corn dog.
Like a hot dog ain't bad enough
for you, right, like with all
those nitrates.
Somebody looked at a hot dog and go,
I can make that worse.
(audience laughing)
And they do, right?
They fry it in grease,
and they bread it and they jam
a stick in there
and people line up to buy that junk.
He eats baloney, who the heck eats
baloney anymore?
You don't eat baloney, do you, Jan?
No.
That was like 10 years ago, that stuff.
I had a baloney sandwich one time.
A homeless guy came up to me,
he goes, "don't eat that crap."
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
A marsupial is a kangaroo.
(audience laughing)
Remember those tests they used
to give you?
Those ones they go, if Bob is half
of Betty's age and in two years,
he'll be 2/3 Betty's age--
they go how do you find Bob's age?
And I go up to him and I go, hey,
Bob--
(audience laughing)
so how old are you now?
(audience laughing)
Teacher was asking around.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
How old is Betty going to be in case
it comes up at a later date?
(audience laughing)
You remember that stuff?
Then they go, show your work.
And then I draw a picture of me
walking up to Bob.
You know, hey.
(audience laughing)
I hated school.
My kid was asking me what an adverb
is.
I go, it's when you get a verb
and then you add another one.
(audience laughing)
That's it.
(audience laughing)
So you get a verb, like cat.
(audience laughing)
And then you get another one,
like lack.
You put it together-- freaking
Cadillac.
(audience laughing)
Come on.
That's-- Thank you.
(audience applauding)
That's a compound adverb, right?
(audience laughing)
My friend-- I guess, she was
a librarian and she told me she had
to go--
I think it was like two years.
It was called library science
and information.
I'm like, what science is there
to be librarian, you know?
People come in, they go, like, "hey,
"where's the books?"
You're like--
(audience laughing)
and, hey, no talking.
(audience laughing)
Two years of that.
I could have taught that like 10
minutes.
You're in, you're out.
I remember one time I bring
my report card home.
I go, hey, pop, I got a B
in reading.
He goes, "that's a D, you idiot."
(audience laughing)