FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I'M KIND OF A BOG PERSON.
AND EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT A FULL MOON, I'M ALSO A DOG OWNER,
WHICH IS WHY I LOVE A SEGMENT WE DO ON "THE LATE SHOW" CALLED
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE A CELEBRITY GUEST AND I HELP FIND
ACTUAL RESCUE DOGS A HOME BY TELLING EXTREMELY FLATTERING
LIES ABOUT THE PUPPIES.
AND I'M SO PROUD TO SAY-- THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE-- WE HAVE A
PERFECT TRACK RECORD FOR FINDING HOMES FOR THESE DOGS.
WHO'S A GOOD BOY?
I AM.
( APPLAUSE ) SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, FOLKS?
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ME LIE ABOUT SOME PUPPIES TO GET THEM
ADOPTED ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT!
THEN IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER "RESCUE DOG RESCUE"!
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WE'VE GOT AN ADORABLE BATCH OF DOGS BACK THERE, AND HERE TO
HELP ME OUT IS A HUMAN PUPPY HUG HERSELF, ELLIE KEMPER,
EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP "P" HEY, NICE TO SEE YOU.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
>> ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
YAY!
>> Stephen: WELL, ELLIE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS?
>> HECK, YEAH, STEPHEN!
LET'S!
EAT!
SOME!
PUPPIES!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT IS
DEFINITELY NOT HOW IT WORKS.
>> ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST FOLLOW YOUR LEAD THEN.
>> Stephen: GREAT!
A REMINDER TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE:
ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE ACTUAL ADOPTABLE
DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
LET'S BEGIN.
HERE WE GO WITH THE PUPPIES.
HERE WE GO.
THIS IS LILLY.
IN ADDITION TO BEING FULLY HOUSEBROKEN, LILLY IS AN OLYMPIC
MEDAL-WINNING HIGH JUMPER.
SO YOU MAY BE WONDERING, OLYMPIC MEDALIST, WHY IS SHE UP FOR
ADOPTION?
SHE ONLY TOOK HOME THE BRONZE.
WHO DO WE HAVE NEXT, ELLIE.
>> HERE WE GO.
THIS PUPPY HERE IS LUCKY.
YOU KNOW THOSE PSYCHIC ANIMALS THAT PREDICT SPORTS WINNERS,
LIKE THE OCTOPUS FROM GERMANY WHO ACCURATELY CALLED EIGHT
WORLD CUP GAMES IN A ROW?
AMAZING, RIGHT?
WELL, LUCKY ATE THAT OCTOPUS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
>> GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: NEXT UP, THIS IS BUCKLEY.
BUCKLEY MET TOM SELLECK ONCE AND WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
HE'S FUN AT PARTIES, BUT IF "OF "BLUE BLOODS" COMES ON THE
TV, BUCKLE UP.
>> OH, I'D KNOW THIS LITTLE GAL ANYWHERE.
THIS IS CALLIE!
SHE'S A RARE SWISS ARMY DOG.
HER TEETH CAN OPEN BOTTLES, HER LITTLE FINGERNAILS ARE A
COMPLETE SCREWDRIVER SET, AND THERE IS A U.S.B. CHARGER IN HER
BUTT!
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: COMES IN HANDY.
COMES IN HANDY.
OH, HERE WE GO!
THIS IS CHASE.
THIS IS CHASE, EVERYBODY.
CHASE IS PART TERRIER MIX, AND DUE TO A MISHAP AT THE NUCLEAR
PLANT, PART MUTANT.
FAIR WARNING: HIS SUPER POWER IS FLIGHT, SO WHEN YOU TAKE HIM OUT
TO PEE, BRING AN UMBRELLA.
>> ALL RIGHT!
BURT, HERE, IS THE REINCARNATED SOUL OF AUSTRO-
HUNGARIAN EMPEROR, LEOPOLD I.
THAT'S RIGHT.
LEOPOLD WAS KNOWN FOR HIS CONFLICTS WITH THE OTTOMAN
EMPIRE, BUT YOU'LL KNOW BURT FOR HUMPING YOUR OTTOMAN!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THIS
GUY IS A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.
EVERYBODY PLEASE SAY HELLO TO TITUS.
THERE YOU GO.
FUN FACT ABOUT TITUS: HE'S ALSO A FULLY FUNCTIONING CELL PHONE.
"HELLO!?
( PHONE RINGING ) HELLO?
I'M LOSING YOU.
I DON'T HAVE ANY BARS.
HELLO?
I'LL CALL YOU ON MY LAND-DOG.
>> OKAY, OH, MY GOODNESS.
THIS IS-- UH-OH.
AM I THE FIRST PERSON TO DROP A PUPPY?
THIS IS CHLOE.
CHLOE IS EXTREMELY WELL-TRAINED AND NEVER BARKS AT SQUIRRELS--
UNLESS THOSE SQUIRRELS HAVE TIES TO ALT-RIGHT HATE GROUPS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
.
( CHEERS ) YUP.
THAT'S GOOD.
CHLOE BITES NAZIS.
DON'T YOU, GIRL?
>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
MEET PERRY.
PERRY IS A SWEET LITTLE GUY, VERY LOVING AND PLAYFUL.
AND GOOD NEWS-- WHEN YOU'RE HAVING SEX, PERRY WON'T SIT IN
THE CORNER OF THE ROOM AND STARE, OKAY.
BUT HE WILL HIDE IN THE HALL AND LISTEN.
AND HE WILL JUDGE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE
DOG RESCUE."
HEAD TO "THE LATE SHOW'S" WEBSITE,
www.colbertlateshow.com, FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS
FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
ELLIE KEMPER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!